Pixie's Chronicle: Embarrassing Myself

Is it just me that felt like July lasted forever? Normally it's one of the quickest months, but this year, it felt never ending. Maybe it's because my mental health was playing up so much? Time usually does tend to slow down when I'm the midst of depression episodes. Though I've been better than I have been, my mental health is still a little on the rocky side. But still, a slight improvement is better than no improvement at all. I guess it helps that I've had so much support, and I'll always be eternally grateful to everyone who stands by me during these horrible times. Because I know how much of a nightmare I can be. I think my manager finally realised just how serious my issues were two weeks ago after an incident work, so now I'm receiving in-work help for my mental health. I've been assigned a 'mental health first-aider', people services have been made aware, and I'm going to be receiving special counselling that will help me cope better at work. 

Anyway, I suppose I'm going to talk about the incident that triggered all of that to take place. Basically, one of my worst nightmares came true in the middle of one of my shifts: one of my past abusers walked in. I was on my own downstairs, standing at my computer when I spotted her. I'm not too sure if she recognised me. I hope that she didn't. I mean, I have changed a lot since I've last seen her. I'm no longer a scrawny teenager for one thing, my hair is a lot shorter, and I now have to wear glasses full-time. I also thank my lucky stars that I had forgotten to wear my name badge that day. Why do you have to wear name badges at work a lot of the time? I personally find it creepy, especially since someone can easily use it to stalk you. 

Paranoia aside, I, of course, proceeded to freak out. I had to do a double take when I first saw her, but she really hasn't changed a bit. Seeing her was very jarring for numerous reasons. Firstly, we didn't exactly part on the best of terms since my best friend had essentially told her to 'f**k off' before whisking me away; she truly is my hero. I never ended up getting the courage to stand up to her. It was my best friend that got the both of us out of there, and I will always feel guilty for not chipping in. I was a coward. I couldn't even protect my own best friend who is like a sister to me. I was too scared to. I can't help but think about how drastically different our lives would have been if I had listened to her in the first place, or stepped in when things started to go south. I'm not going to go into too much detail of what happened, but basically, we got messed up pretty badly. My best friend got the worst end of it, especially since this psychotic girl seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with me. I'm guessing that I have the word 'idiot' tattooed on my forehead, because I always attract the psychopaths of the world. 

Secondly, I hadn't seen her in, like, nearly ten years. Not since I left secondary school and started college. So yeah, I was 16 the last time I saw her. I also could have sworn that she would have moved away with her mother as soon as they could, since that was something she always threatened me with if I put one toe out of line. Guess that was just a bluff like her other threats. But the last I had heard news of her, she was on some grand adventure in Australia. I felt safe knowing that she was at the other side of the world and that I would never see her again. Alas, she has returned. Why couldn't she just stay in Australia?! Her being sent to the other side of the world seemed very apt. 

Once I had realised that it really was her, I froze up. She kept trying to get my attention to get some advice, but I quickly grabbed hold of my phone and called my manager who was upstairs at the time. I simply asked her if I could get something from upstairs, and bless her, I think she could probably sense that something was wrong. I was barely holding it together, but I usually manage to put on a pretty decent show. I think it was the fact that I was so vague that it got her attention. My colleagues and I all know each other very well at this point. We're all like sisters. Well, sisters and one non-binary sibling. I hovered by the stairs until she came downstairs and then I flung myself past her, briefly yelling something about not revealing my identity to anybody before I went and hid. 

I don't really have much of a memory of what happened next, but I'm pretty sure I collapsed and had a panic attack in the corridor. I have no clue how long I spent upstairs crying my eyes out and rocking backwards and forwards. All of my memories from that time smacked me hard in the face. I haven't had a panic attack that bad in a long time, and I really felt like I was losing my mind. Finally, my manager found me and gave me a cuddle. I explained everything to her, and she was gobsmacked, because low and behold, that girl had on her saccharine façade when my manager went to help her. She appears so sickly sweet that it makes me want to puke. How did I not see through it in the first place? She's just too... nice...when you first meet her. But in reality, she is Joffrey from Game of Thrones. 

Still, I hated that I had to re-live all of that and tell my manager about it all. It's embarrassing. Afterwards, I think I was more angry than anything. I hated seeing her getting on with her life without a care in the world, as if she hadn't totally destroyed me or anyone else. I still have nightmares about her. My best friend was secretly suicidal for the longest time because of her. Because of her controlling behaviour, I had no personality anymore. I was just a shell. It's taken me years to come back to myself. To re-discover who I am, what I like, what I dislike, because all of that was chosen for me. I had no say in anything. I had been isolated so far from everybody else.

So yeah, I'm now working to try and make sure I don't have a breakdown like that at work again. Hopefully if she ever comes in again, I'll be able to switch off and pretend that I have no idea who she is. That will probably be the best form of revenge against her; not giving her any reaction at all. Plus, if she does start harassing me, my manager said that she won't hesitate to ban her from the premises. Luckily, I haven't seen the psycho since that incident, but if she does ever come in again, I need to be prepared. Honestly, anyone would think I'm some sort of ex-secret agent with the amount of people that would happily stalk me and harm me. Again, it's embarrassing. Especially because it seems like I'm exaggerating when I tell people. I literally just know so many crazy people (my family being most of them). 

Traumatic events aside, I have been managing to somewhat function as a normal human these past few weeks. Work has overall been entertaining with some of the people that I've been dealing with. I had a little kid who asked me if he could use the CBD oils to make potions, which was hilarious. Then there was a customer, who when I recommended him some d-mannose tablets, proceeded to then take them off me and balance them on my head. Yeah, I have no idea either. I also got my hand stuck in a shelf which was both embarrassing and hilarious. This is why I'm known as the disaster prone one at work. 

I've also been working a ton of overtime again since we're STILL short staffed. It's beyond a joke at this point. A supervisor in another branch ended up having to work 14 days in a row. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Poor guy was exhausted. But we just don't seem to be hiring anyone at the moment, which is stupid, because with the current unemployment rate, filling roles would probably be very easy. Yet people are always relying on my team to bail them out. They really do take advantage of us, and it's not fair. I've really started putting my foot down now, especially since I've been in such poor mental health lately. I don't mind working overtime, because hey, more money, but it does get to a point of ridiculousness. No pay-check is worth dying of exhaustion over. 

Despite being super busy with work, though, I've actually shocked myself with the amount of writing that I've been able to get done. Double Trouble, Amicus, and Reflection have all been updated, and I've even managed to upload my character profiles for Lily and Luna onto my blog. I've also uploaded playlists for Go and Conquer, as well as Double Trouble. Click here for Go and Conquer's playlist, and here for Double Trouble's. I'm also working on creating blog posts consisting of playlists for my other stories. Music is always such a huge inspiration for me, and I've also been on a general music binge lately. It certainly helps with my depression and anxiety. I might go over and re-do some previous playlists I've uploaded and update them to the new format that I've created for them. I think actually having the music/music videos on my blog can slow people's webpages down a lot. I know it does that to mine. Then again, my laptop is getting super old at this point.

As for my Miraculous fic works, well, that's still a slow process. I had another knock back when I received another entitled review which just made me think, 'what's the point?' But then I also received so many heart-warming stories from some readers about how much my work has comforted them and distracted them that it gave me the courage to fight through it. I really am hoping to get back to work on them soon, though I really am thinking about giving up on Chat Vert. I've reached a complete dead end with it. If anyone wants to adopt that story, please feel free. I'll probably be putting an author's note up on that story soon and explain the ending that I had in store for the story. I just could never get around to figuring out most of the middle part of the story. 

Speaking of Miraculous, avoiding spoilers is like walking through a minefield. I've decided that I'm not going to watch season 4 until most of the episodes have been released since they're still being aired out of order. It's clear that watching the episodes in order is becoming more and more important, and I don't want my enjoyment of the show to be ruined by spoilers and confusion. It was becoming a problem during season 3, and season 4 is a lot more plot heavy than that one it seems. It's made me realise just how much I hate TV show distribution these days. I remember when new episode airings were consistent and usually always in order. Now you have to wait months on end for each new episode in a show, and order no longer seems to matter. It ruins the pacing. 

When I've not been writing, I've been of course mostly playing Animal Crossing. I'd finally bullied Jowy into picking up the game again so that I could head to his island and pick up some supplies. His flower curse remains, and his island looks like Persephone had a sneezing fit. So... many... flowers... He had this exact same problem in New Leaf, and I would always have to visit his town in order to help him clear up, only for it to become a disaster zone again within a few days. Fixing the flower mess is even worse in New Horizons since you actually have to dig the flowers up with your shovel in order to move them around. As cool as it use to use flowers in DIY projects, I do miss just being able to simply pick them up when I wanted to move them. I also miss collecting badges. I know the Nook Miles are a similar thing, but collecting proper badges felt like more of an accomplishment. 

Oh, and I FINALLY caught a mahi-mahi fish! My white whale! Now Jowy can no longer tease me about it! I also finally caught a golden stag, a giant stag, and a scarab beetle. Like I said, my old island was cursed and I could never catch those bloody critters. The only things I'm still struggling to catch is a giant isopod and that giant blue clam. I still need to upload the latest island layout to the dream world so that you guys can have a nosy if you want to. It's still a bit of a mess, but it's coming together nicely if I do say so myself. I still need to visit LycoRogue's island, and also get some blue roses off her husband. 

I also tried playing some more Terraria again as well. I'm terrible at the game, but it's just so much fun. I'll never forget the time I fell down Jowy's elevator to hell. That will always be one of my funniest moments. I just love exploring in that game and I wish that I could still play it on my laptop. The PC version is the best version of the game, and it's so much easier to play. Unfortunately, I couldn't really concentrate too well on Terraria for the moment. Plus, the game is also more fun when Jowy plays with me. Though he hates entering the jungle biome with me, since I'm forever accidentally summoning the queen bee battles. That and I tend to wander off and get lost a lot. I'm often designated the task of holding the light since I can't be trusted with anything else lol. Just like in real life. But you can't deny that I make things entertaining. Which reminds me, I'm home alone for an entire week this week, so here's hoping that I don't burn things to the ground. Then again, when have I ever needed to be alone for that to happen? But the peace and quiet will be much appreciated. 

Overall, I'm just mainly glad that the stupid heatwave is over at last. Pixie doesn't like hot weather! My medication makes body temperature regulation extremely difficult, so that added to hot weather, plus no air conditioning, equalled one very grumpy Pixie. In my place of work, it was 30 degrees celsius INSIDE. I was dying. I was often melting into a puddle on the floor. It made my hayfever also react very badly since the pollen count was so high. The heat also meant we also got extra stupid customers. For some reason, heat just seems to bring out the stupidity in people. I had customers asking for advice on staying hydrated... without having a drink anything. They really thought there was a magic pill they could take to keep them hydrated. The answer really is obvious: drink plenty of water. 'BuT i DoN't LiKe DrInKiNg A lOt!' Then your kidneys will shrivel up like raisins, you moron. I also had lots of people going on and on about electrolytes because they'd seen it online (of course). Unless you're exercising a lot and consuming very large amounts of water, you usually don't have to worry too much about balancing your electrolytes. Your kidneys are pretty efficient on their own, leave them be. That, and they tend to be natural minerals found in water anyway, and they'll certainly be in your diet if you're eating properly. 

It reminds me of this whole vitamin B12 fad that's going on at the moment. Tiredness and fatigue is something a lot of people experience everyday, and I have so many people coming to me wanting strong B12 supplements because (again) they read about it online. Unless you're a vegan, you're probably fine for B12. If you're genuinely concerned you have a deficiency, then get a blood test. Unless you're sure, I'm not going to recommend them because they're fat soluble and excess is stored in the liver where it can reach toxic levels. They're always so shocked and confused when I explain this. Yeah, I bet your hippie internet article didn't tell you that. Could be worse though. They could be asking for B17. There's rumours going around it can help cure cancer, which isn't scientifically proven. I soon scare people straight when I explain B17 releases *drum roll* cyanide! Yep. It's poisonous. The internet is full of such dangerous rubbish sometimes. 

There I go ranting about customers at work again. 

To distract myself more from my anxiety, I've also been trying to get into drawing and painting again. I've been a little more active on DeviantArt, posting my random paintings, which are usually just scene re-creations from my favourite TV shows, anime, manga, and comics. I need to try and get some of my doodles for my stories up on there too. So yeah, feel free to follow me on there if you want to see my painful attempts at drawing lol. But I find it very calming. A lot of the time I tend to put a Lazy Masquerade video on in the background and get to work. 

As for what's going to be happening in the next few weeks, I'm definitely hoping to get more writing done as always. Double Trouble, Amicus, and Reflection will almost certainly be updated. I'm going to be trying to concentrate on Amicus a little bit more as there's only a few chapters of that story left. Castles In The Air is still winning in my poll, so I suppose that I better get to work on that at some point soon. Not to mention I got inspiration for another Hellsing story idea from Amicus. The muses still won't leave me alone. I'm bursting with ideas and I'm so excited to write them all that I don't know where to start. I need to seriously calm down. So yeah, I'm hoping to get Amicus finished within the next couple of weeks. Keep an eye out for me releasing more playlists in the meantime as well.

However, there might be a bit of a gap at some point due to me needing to get my second COVID vaccine. Everyone I know seems to get sick after their second dose, so that probably means that I'll get sick too. I'm not looking forward to that. But I'd rather that than risk spreading the virus or getting complications from it. My aunt now has heart issues that were likely brought on by the virus. It's scary how something so microscopic can cause so much damage. I'm just super grateful that we have so many amazing scientists and doctors working hard to help protect us against such things. I just wish that governments would listen to them more, then maybe we wouldn't even be in this mess in the first place. 

I hope that you guys are also doing okay. I've had a few people checking up on me, which is really sweet of you. I really appreciate all of your support! Remember to stay safe, wear a mask if you can, wash your hands regularly, and get yourself vaccinated if it's safe for you to do so. If your mental health has also taken a hit like mine has, there is plenty of support out there for you, and that includes me. I'm no expert, but I'm always willing to listen. Take care!

Reviews of the Month:

"You are honestly my favourite FanFiction writer ! You’re storytelling is beautiful, this story and Madness Within are two of my all time favourite fics and I’ve read them both more then once.

You absolutely inspire me." 

- ZebraDance, Destiny's Dance, FanFiction

"This is absolutely amazing, I can't wait to read what actually caused Alucard to banish Seras like that. I also am really intrigued by Anastasia's teaching methods & can't wait to see Seras blossom into a badass vampire! I really enjoy your writing style & I couldn't help but read it all in one sitting!" 

- StellaGates, Go and Conquer, FanFiction

"Your black butler story is by far the best one I’ve read on here! So far every other fic I’ve read has copied the manga or anime almost word for word which gets boring after awhile but your story is original and well written which I love. I look forward to reading more about your character Flora and how you write Sebastian demonic sexiness." 

- weirdunusualchick, Reflection, FanFiction

"The attention to detail in the Victorian London setting is amazing and so well researched. It's so rare to find this in a fanfic. Also love how you have kept Ciel and Sebastian in character. So many fics try to make Ciel noble/protective when he's really just an entitled arrogant jerk (my opinion only haha) or fanservice Sebastian to the point where he becomes a nice guy. You appear to have the dark Book of Circus anime portrayal of Sebastian here which fits right in! Can't wait to read more." 

- YEB, Reflection, FanFiction

"Hello.

Awhile back I've found this story on Fanfiction and I've got to say-HOLY COW-what an emotional roller coaster. It's been awhile since I read it as life got in the way, I noticed it's been updated and I'm not quite sure where I left off at. So I'm going to reread over this entirely while getting settled with college cause this story has helped me through some rough times with the content.

Last year one of my relative's who I took care of deteriorated fast from cancer. She went on hospice, was with her at the last moments and it really left me messed up for some time as she had a big impact on my life. Whole and light stories just...didn't sit right for a time. So I binged on Madness. It frankly made my days better, as I needed well written angst that kept me on the edge of my emotional seat as the journey with Marinette and Adrien went forth. The mystery of things unfolding and slowly being revealed gave me something to focus on as I slowly healed and got my own life in together.

To put it simply, this story helped me a great deal for a very long time and my apologies for coming away from it. So I plan to start at the very beginning, slowly reading my way through and enjoying things once more and look forward to reading your other stories.

I'm not sure if it means anything, but you're an amazing writer and absolutely awesome Pixie. Thank you for writing it.

Kitty." 

- BlueKittyKnitting, Madness Within, Archive Of Our Own

"i can't tell you how excited i am for the next chapter. this fic is amazing, by the way, thanks for writing it! you're definitely one of the best authors in this fandom" 

- whshs, Amicus, Archive Of Our Own