Pixie's Chronicle: History Nerd Alert

Hmmm, writing my latest entry while I have hiccups probably isn't a smart idea, but let's give it a shot anyway hahaha. I can't believe that we're half way through the year already. Where has the time gone? It's actually pretty scary when I sit down and think about it too hard. As if I'm not already dealing with heightened anxiety enough lately. Yeah, that's still causing me some major issues. In fact, I think it might actually be getting worse. I'm just counting down the days until my mental health review, which I'm super nervous about. LycoRogue has encouraged me to be my own advocate, but I'm not very good at being assertive. Especially since the appointment will be over the phone which will make everything ten times worse; I'm scared of phone calls. 

So yeah, mental health wise, I'm still not too great. Work has been really overwhelming, especially with how busy we've suddenly gotten again. It's also football season in Europe, so hooligans out and about everywhere aren't helping either. I actually had to lock myself in my office at one point, I was that afraid. And then there are other times where I'm apathetic and have a "try anything with me and I'll rip your head off" kind of attitude. Apparently that's pretty normal for trauma victims, though, so yay on actually exhibiting normal behaviour with something for once? I'm still having nightmares too, which isn't fun. Though most of the time now they've morphed from my PTSD ones to just typical ones. Like the dream I had the other day where all of my teeth broke apart in my mouth. Worryingly, I've also been acting out my dreams lately as well. The other day, I woke up to find myself waving, and then just a few days ago, I woke myself up by punching my bedside table. Yeah, I have no idea either. I can't even remember what I was dreaming about on those nights. But still, I guess it is pretty funny. 

Speaking of which, I think that's the first time I've done anything major in my sleep for a while. I'm a notoriously... annoying?... sleeper. I talk in my sleep, laugh in my sleep and have been known to sleep walk. Just ask my boyfriend. He still never lets me live down the time that I began climbing on top of him in my sleep and just chilled on his back. Good thing I'm so small. But then again, he's one to talk. He sleepwalks and talks in his sleep too. According to the asleep version of Jowy, I was created on the back of a toilet. 

I just wish the nightmares would end and I could get some decent sleep! My tiredness is further worsened by having to take my antidepressants in combination with my antihistamines, both of which carry the common side effect of tiredness and fatigue. Go figure. So I've been wandering around like a zombie these past few weeks. It's hayfever season! Yippee! I love not being able to breathe! I get every single symptom: itchy eyes; itchy throat; irritated nose; sneezing; watery eyes; itchy ears. Ugh. I hate summer. It's too hot, too many bugs, and I can't even look at a blade of grass without my body trying to sneeze my own brain out. The only thing I really like about summer is the light mornings and the higher chance of thunderstorms. Oh, and you can eat ice-cream without people looking at you weird. Everything else about summer can piss off. 

But hey, it's Pride Month! Woohoo! *waves rainbow flag* Of course this also means companies suddenly pretending to care lol. However, for all its faults, the company I work for is actually pretty good when it comes to LGBTQ+ issues. They're very accepting and have lots of things in place should anyone be discriminated against or bullied etc. My supervisor has officially come out as non-binary, and has another preferred name to the one given at birth. The company were very supportive of this, allowing them to go by their preferred name/gender identity, and we've all adapted really well to the change. Even the customers are supportive, which I think shows that most people in the world are genuinely decent at accepting sexuality and gender identities. Sure, there's a lot of stuff still ingrained in people, but I think we can also appreciate that we've come a long way.

However, maybe I have a more sheltered view on the issue. I've grown up with gay family members, so sexuality was never really something that hit me out of nowhere one day. My family never tried to hide it from me, and I was always accepting. So my uncle has a boyfriend? Okay, cool. I, myself, am a bit of a sexual enigma myself. What is my sexuality? The best, shortest answer I can give you is... I'm not 100% sure? I know I'm not straight; I've had crushes on men, and I've had crushes on women. I'm currently dating a guy. But at the same time, I think I'm also somewhere on the demisexual spectrum? I just know that I don't feel attracted to someone unless I have an emotional connection to them. I can appreciate if someone is pretty, but it doesn't mean I'd happily sleep with them or just be attracted to them in general. I mean, I guess that does make me pretty much demisexual. So yeah, there we go: my name is Pixie and I'm demisexual. 

I'm lucky to have been born in the UK though. Homophobia can still be a problem, but any such expression of homophobia is illegal. In the UK, you can marry whatever gender you want, and I can freely admit without being arrested/killed that, yeah, I've had crushes on other women before. Furthermore, 99% of my family don't give a shit (apart from that one extreme Catholic aunt and uncle I have), and all of my friends certainly don't care. My boyfriend is super supportive over my identity as well. In fact, he was the one who helped me come to terms with what I am, and was that final reminder that it's okay to just be who you are. I really can't thank him and all my friends enough for being so accepting of me! I'm a lucky one. But other people are not, and that's why Pride Month is so important. Being gay can still carry a death sentence in a lot of countries, and discrimination is still a huge issue. Awareness of this needs to be raised. I've always said that my blog is a safe space for everyone, regardless of sex, gender, and sexuality. Be proud of who you are! Of course, I couldn't mention all of this without my favourite quote from Daniel Howell: 'We're here, we're queer, we live in existential fear.' That is a mood right there. 

Moving on and checking back in with the grumpy side of me, one of my wisdom teeth is coming through and GAH it hurts like hell! No wonder babies are crying all the time if this is what they have to deal with throughout their whole mouth. I can just feel it poking its way through my gum. I just hope they don't ruin all of that orthodontal treatment I had to have done years ago. But I also don't want them to be removed either. I hate anything to do with the mouth and eyes. The last time I had a tooth extracted was not a pleasant experience. It shattered in my mouth and I ended up choking on it. If they want to take my teeth out, they're going to have to knock me out again with whatever that yummy, mushy green stuff was that they used on me one time. It took three nurses to pin me down and squirt it into my mouth, but daaaaaaammmmmnnnn, I have never felt so zen in all my life. Why can't they make my anxiety meds out of the same stuff? Though to be fair, it did make me as high as a kite, so probably maybe not the best idea. 

Despite my grumpiness with everything that's been going on though, I've still been an idea machine. Even though I haven't had time to write properly thanks to more overtime (again), my brain has just not shut up or ceased in throwing ideas at me. Thanks a bunch brain. It leaves little room for anything else. I'd like to sit some more exams soon to further increase my qualification levels, but I'll never be able to do that if my brain is constantly in la la land. How can I even think about the chemical make-up of hormones, along with proteins, amino acids, and diagrams of internal organs when I'm fantasising about vampires, demons, French superheroes, and girls that turn into weird fairies. 

When I have had some free time, I've been mainly playing video games, nothing unusual or too exciting. I've been working hard on my island in Animal Crossing: New Horizons (I've updated my dream again lol), and I've been determined to catch a mahi mahi. I swear to god, I'm cursed when it comes to that fish. It's the only one I have left to catch to complete my fish encyclopaedia, and I can't freakin' get one! It's my white whale! Jowy just loves to tease me about it. My game hates me! But it can help keep me nice and distracted. I also had a sneaky dream of LycoRogue's island, which looks amazing! She has so much cool stuff and I'm so jealous. I still need to get some blue roses off her husband, which he has an abundance of, because I just can't seem to grow any. Another reason why my island is cursed I guess. 

I'm still pretty addicted to 51 Worldwide Games as well. Especially now that Jowy also has the game! Our chess matches are legendary! It's so nice to finally have someone who will play chess with me, and someone who actually gives me a challenge! We're currently tied in the little league board that I made. Honestly, he's probably only won so many matches against me because I've been really tired when we have been having matches, no matter how much he insists otherwise lol. Speaking of Jowy, it's his birthday in a few weeks, so happy birthday to the most wonderful man in the world! You truly are one in a million! 

Writing wise, naturally I haven't gotten much done. I did, however, manage to catch up on some editing work on Madness Within with keysmashcharlie. They even wrote their own little mini fanfiction of my story within the editing notes, which was amazing. I'm just waiting for them to get back to me on permission to share it with you guys. Plus, some of my chapters are way too long apparently, and I need to split them lol. That's gonna be some hard work. But I'm pleased that I'm still getting so many wonderful reviews on the story! In fact, I think at the end of every Pixie's Chronicle, I might share some reviews that particularly stood out to me, made me smile, or made me think deeply about my work. 

Reflection was also a story that I suddenly received an influx of nice reviews on. Many people were praising me for creating a Kuroshitsuji fanfiction that was as historically accurate as possible, which was super nice of them to say. Like I've said before, I am a history nerd, and the Victorian era of Britain was always one of my favourites. I still have a bunch of contemporary sources from when I was doing my dissertation in university, so that helps me out a lot. I got into a cool debate with writer A. S. Oswald over depictions of the Victorian era in fanfiction, and in media in general. It was super cool talking to a fellow history nerd. RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley is also a fellow history nerd that I've had a few debates with. As well as having awesome Miraculous Ladybug fanfiction, she is also a Ricardian, just like me! This means we're both of the belief that King Richard III of England was not the evil tyrant that he is often made out to be. There's so much evidence that suggests this. But I don't want to bore you guys with too many history rants lol. 

Unfortunately, I'm not too sure when my next story updates will be, since everything has been so chaotic lately. Work is draining me, as well as my awful mental health. All I can say is that I'll try my best to write when I can. What I do know is that I have so many Hellsing fanfic ideas that I'm not too sure which one to publish next, so I've set up a poll on my FanFiction profile so fans of my Hellsing work can vote on whichever story they want to see next. You can see the descriptions/summaries of the stories on my page 'Hellsing Fics', to which you can access by clicking the link I provided there. It should be interesting to see which one receives the most votes. 

I just wish that work would give me a bloody break so that I can actually sit down and write properly. Even writing this blog post was an arduous task due to how tired I am. Make it stop! But I hope that you guys have all been doing okay and taking care of yourselves. I'm hopefully going to be finally getting my COVID vaccine soon, so that's a relief. Make sure to get your shots, guys. Vaccines are always crucial for saving and protecting not just your own lives, but the lives of others. I know people can be scared of the side-effects, but if you feel ill after getting your shot, it is merely because your immune system is responding to and learning to recognise the disease. See you guys again soon!

Reviews of the Month:

"Only one chapter in and I already really like this! The whole Sebastian's mate story arch isn't new, but the fact that you are writing this with attention to historical accuracy makes it stand out from the other stories with the mate theme!

I also like the fact that you didn't make Flora immediately fall head over heels in love with Sebastian and pay more attention to the fact that he is dangerous, rather than gush about how handsome and "perfect" he is.

The fact that you mentioned the smog over London as well as the cholera outbreaks are just an added touch to immerse the reader in a Victorian London which I think is often overlooked in other fanfiction, even some movies and the anime itself has its inaccuracies which as someone interested in the Victorian era is something I have personally always found quite irritating.

Also, I appreciated your mention of Booth. The research of Charles Booth was really important at the time!"

- A. S. Oswald, Reflection, FanFiction.

 

"Awe hell yeah! A realistic take on Black Butler is something I didn’t know I needed. I really appreciate your portrayal of Sebastian so far. A lot of the time fanfictions focus a lot on his human persona of Sebastian the Butler and not so much on his true demonic self. I also appreciate the obvious effort you’ve put in to being historically accurate! I’m very interested to see where you go with this!"

- An Echo In Time, Reflection, FanFiction.

 

"This may be the number one best written story on FanFiction... and I’ve been on here for 10 years. The intricacies of plot and deepness of feelings is just astonishingly beautiful. Your writing style is phenomenal. Take all the time you need, as a fellow writer I understand discouragement from a cluster of fans. It really sucks that some people are like that. Just work on you and when you’re ready your adoring fans will be here to read what you have next!"

- Reader011118, Madness Within, FanFiction.

 

"This is a really interesting story. I love how much effort you are putting in to make it more historically accurate.

Sebastian’s character is very well written- not too soft/human like many others are where they leave out his more demonic nature, which I really like.

I’m excited to see how their bond will effect them further on and how she will deal with it😊"

- ElisabettaRomano, Reflection, Archive Of Our Own.

 

"I LOVE IT! I LOVE YOU! This is the first fic that actually made some sense, that its not always rainbows and unicorn for the big reveal. the hurt and betrayal is so real, I couldn't stop reading. IM SOOOOO LOOKING FORWARD FOR THE NEXT PART OF THIS TRILOGY. <3 <3 Looking forward to more of this and more of YOU!!"

- GRACEYou, Madness Within, Archive Of Our Own.

 

"So I have to admit I have read this story in its entirety like twice within the last month because I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm pretty new to this fandom, but this is hands down one of my favorite stories I've read, possibly ever. It does what many good stories do where it takes a logical premise and takes it to the extreme, and I feel like your characterization is spot on for the situation that's been laid out.

I saw on your blog that it's going to be a book?? If I read that right, then I am so excited to purchase it when it is released. Will the updates for that be posted on your blog or here on ao3?

I'm also very excited for the next installments in the story. This ending was both satisfying and unsatisfying in that I can't wait to read the next part (but I can and will). I understand that juggling all of your responsibilities as a person is difficult already, so I will gladly wait as long as it takes for you to create the next part of this masterpiece. I subscribed to the series so I get your updates :)

Also, I have to say the plot point around the ladybug miraculous being damaged and tikki being missing is just SO GOOD and heart-wrenching. I just have so many good things to say about this fic! You and your beta readers have put so much work into this and it really shows, the dedication to the art is one factor that makes this work such a pleasure to read.

Genuinely, thank you for putting this out into the world. I have thoroughly enjoyed the work thus far and I'm sitting on the edge of my seat cramming popcorn into my mouth waiting to see what happens next."

- Warriorpigeon, Madness Within, Archive Of Our Own.

 

"Still, the mother's instinct took over Seras, that on the one hand fascinates(especially the moment with her dream), but on the other-scares. So now I have some idea of what this "nest" is. Good intrigue about the disappearance of records of the appearance of vampire children.🤔

And perhaps I'm imagining it, but I have a strong suspicion that someone is manipulating Seras' mind. I hope I'm mistaken.

Well, I'm curious how Alucard will handle this situation, because I think Seras' action did not leave Alucard without attention. Poor girls, I can imagine what it's like to see Integra and Walter try to stop Seras by resorting to radical measures. Scared and confused.

I also greatly enjoyed the way you described the inner conflict and the changes in Seras. It was as if the present and the future were all mixed up in Seras' mind. A very good chapter! I look forward to the next chapter!😁👍

P.S. Pip, of course, is a good guy who loves black humor, but I would give a slap on the head for such jokes. (I'm kidding) Go ahead, Alucard! It's time for you to show up and meet and come meet these adorable twins. I hope there won't be a fight, though... anything can happen, haha. *I imagining this situation well in my head*😄🤔

I wish you a good day and a good mood!😉"

- Sailor28, Double Trouble, Archive Of Our Own.