Ugh, my poor body and brain. This week has just felt like being lost in a huge fog and everything has been feeling really surreal. For most of this week, I've been on the ill side, suffering a little bit of a relapse that has made things really difficult for me. I've powered through though, but that doesn't mean it wasn't awful to experience. I feel like I could just sleep for ten years now.
For starters, I'm still having really weird and vivid dreams that have now morphed into nightmares. This meant that my sleep was very disturbed this week, and I've often been feeling really tired as a result. Plus I kept having a few anxiety and panic attacks in the middle of the night, so that was fun. I don't know why my anxiety has been so high this week. While my medication has sort of worked in helping me with my depression, it hasn't really eased a lot of my anxiety. I'm still that weird person that can't function normally, but luckily, my behavioural therapy will be starting soon, so hopefully I'll finally be learning how to act more normal and not freak people out.
Despite all of this though, I did somewhat manage to stick to my new schedule this week. I managed to get the next chapter of Chat Vert out on time, which was probably a huge first for me. If you haven't read the latest chapter and would like to, then you can do so by clicking here. I'm so glad that my writer's block is now pretty much gone for that story, because honestly, I could have finished that story by now. I've got so many projects waiting in the wings and they're all starting to back up because of the delay with Chat Vert, and my writer's block with Immortal Bond.
I was actually surprised that people were still reading and were interested in Chat Vert, given the huge delay between the last chapter and the new one. I was expecting only about one or two reviews if I was lucky, but I ended up getting really lucky and getting nine reviews as of the moment of writing this blog entry. So, phew, people are actually still interested in that story.
Sadly though, my usual Miraculous Monday blog post was delayed by a day. I could have probably powered through and finished both the chapter and the blog post that day, but I was so tired by the time I had finished editing the chapter, that the idea of spending another hour writing and editing just didn't sit well with me at all. Not to mention I had to be up early for work the next day. So yeah, it ended up getting delayed, but only by a day though, and I guess with my track record, that's actually not that much of a delay.
I don't think it helped that I was just in such a lazy mood on Sunday. On Saturday, I had sorted out my entire room, getting rid of loads of my old clothes and stuff that I just don't use anymore. It was the first clear out that my closet has had in years. I actually found some clothes in there that were child sizes, that's how long it's been since I sorted it out. As tiring as it was, I always find cleaning to be incredibly satisifying. There's just nothing better than seeing a job well done in my opinion. I ended up dusting and vacuuming every nook and cranny as well, which ended up in me having a huge sneezing fit. I never understand where dust comes from. It's so annoying.
So yeah, that resulted in me being completely burnt out by Sunday which led to my lack of motivation. That, and the fact that I treated myself to some Chinese take-out which put me into a food coma. I was just so excited to use my new chopsticks. Oh yeah, and I FINALLY ended up finding a new town on Animal Crossing: New Leaf. A perfect map, as well as apples as the town fruit, so yaaay! My pickiness has been satisfied. I just hope that this town isn't a glitchy one either.
Wednesday was definitely an...eventful...day to say the least.
I had a doctor's appointment that day to check up on how I'm doing mental health wise, and let's just say that it didn't exactly do well. My anxiety was sky high that day and I was freaking out over every single little thing. Traffic in my town was also at a standstill due to the motorway that passes through my area being closed, meaning that all of the traffic had to come through town. This gridlocked everything, which obviously meant that there was no way that I would be able to catch the bus. So I had to walk all the way to the doctors...which was a few miles away...a lot of it uphill...in the pouring rain. I was not a happy pixie.
My boots had started rubbing my feet by the time I was halfway there, and my umbrella also broke, so no more added protection. I got drenched, and I can only imagine how much of a mess I looked when I finally arrived. I then ended up having an anxiety attack in the waiting room which resulted in me developing a painful stomach ache and having to resist the temptation of running out the building and all the way home. But luckily, my name finally appeared on the screen before things could escalate.
This did mean however, that I ended up walking into my doctor's office babbling like some insane moron. I don't remember that much of it, but I'm pretty sure I was rambling about needles at one point, which caused my doctor to start to worry that I was doing drugs. He pretty much took one look at me and decided that I needed some stronger medication. I was going to ask anyway, but in the end, I didn't need to. My freak out in his office spoke for me. So yeah, I was sat there shivering, wide-eyed, soaking wet, babbling about needles and cancer, and oh god, my public freak outs are so embarrassing. Luckily it was in front of a doctor, and I'm sure they're used to it, but still...
Ugh! Why am I like this?
The day didn't really get much better either. I got drenched on the way home as well, and I ended up getting blisters on the back of my feet thanks to my boots, which made walking painful. Then some family drama kicked off in the afternoon to a point where I'm just so done with my family at this point. I really want to just freakin' delete my Facebook account, but it's the only way I can communicate reliably with some of my friends, so I'm stuck.
Despite deciding that I've washed my hands with most of them, my cousin's (one that I actually get along with) 18th birthday is next Saturday and I've been invited to her party. So I'm really nervous that a lot of other family members are going to be there. Of course I'm still going to go, because I care deeply for my cousin and aunt (the only people who actually asked if I was okay and wanted to help when I had a mental breakdown), but I'm still freaking out because I know how weirdly the rest of my family are going to treat me when I'm there. They look at me like I'm some sort of disgusting creature from another planet. I really have no idea what I've done to spark such a reaction out of them.
I'm just going to try and stay away from them all night, not that they'll probably want to come near me anyway. I am mentally ill after all and they probably won't want to catch it.
I just ended up having a mini breakdown on Wednesday afternoon thinking about all of this. That, and it seemed like a lot of them were making a point to purposefully exclude me from family events. It keeps making me feel like some sort of dangerous freak, or that I've done something to offend them. I mean, I've always been the black sheep of the family, but years ago, we used to be a close family, but now all of a sudden, my brother and I just keep being ignored and excluded from everything. It's been getting progressively worse over these past few years. Even my sister seems to be ignoring me now, not sending me any birthday wishes or anything. She just blanked me.
So I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself. It's a good job I have been prescribed stronger medication now, as it looks like I'm going to bloody need it.
But Wednesday wasn't a totally wasted day, as I...drum role please...actually started working on Immortal Bond again! I could feel some tiny embers beginning to burn inside my brain, and I'm actually starting to prepare myself for that story again. Though I haven't quite solved the issues I've been having with that story, I did actually manage to come up with a playlist for it. So hopefully that's going to greatly help me with inspiration when making notes. Sometimes I often wonder about talking about my playlists on this blog, revealing what music inspired certain stories and certain moments. I guess it depends on whether you guys would be interested or not.
I had hoped that Thursday would be a better day, but unfortunately not. As soon as I woke up, I knew that I was in for a rough day. I felt awful. I was exhausted, and I had pretty bad stomach ache. I just wanted to throw my alarm across the room as soon as it woke me up. The walk to work was hell, as I literally felt the moment that my blisters popped as I was walking. It...hurt...so...bad.
This made walking almost impossible for me. Each step was like someone was stabbing the back of my feet. But I did manage to make it in. It wasn't to last though, as everyone could instantly tell that I wasn't right. I showed up drenched and miserable, kept doubling over because of my stomach ache and kept almost falling asleep at my work station. Then I had another anxiety attack, convinced that I had missed some sort of appointment, even though I knew that I hadn't. But nope, my brain just kept insisting that I needed to check my emails right that very second, so I ended up high-tailing it out of the room and to my locker. It earned me a few odd stares.
Eventually one of my supervisors just told me to go home and get some rest, which I reluctantly agreed to. I always feel really bad when I'm sick and have to go home or can't make it to something. I know it's something that can't be helped, but I still feel really awkward and like I'm letting people down.
I called into the store on the way back to pick up some anti-septic cream and some painkillers, but damn, the rest of the walk home felt like it took forever. Each step was like torture, and I was literally walking at the speed of a snail because my feet were hurting so much. I finally made it home though, completely drenched and freezing cold, feet and stomach in agony, and feeling like I was about to pass out at any moment. I cleaned myself up, changing into some cozy pyjamas, ate some nice hot chicken soup, and then just slept for the rest of the afternoon. So that meant that I didn't get any work done that day. I was just so exhausted and done with everything.
Today I have been feeling a little bit better. I still have a bit of a stomach ache and a headache, but surprisingly I actually managed to power through and not only finish this blog entry, but also the latest chapter Madness Within, which you can read by clicking here. I'm a little nervous about how this chapter will be recieved given how dark it gets and the themes that are present, but I guess I'll see soon. If anyone looks at my search history when I was writing this chapter, it will certainly raise a few questions, that's for sure.
I actually wrote that chapter a lot quicker than I thought I would. I thought that it would take forever, but I ended up sailing through it. I suppose it helps that this is a chapter that had a lot of very careful and meticulous planning. That, and it wasn't filler like the last chapter, so that made things easier. I always hate writing filler, but sometimes it is necessary to help establish the base of what's about to happen next. I'm so close to 600 reviews as well which is really exciting! I'm hoping to hit that threshold with the new chapter that has been uploaded today. I really can't thank you guys enough for all of your amazing support! I never dreamed in a million years that my story would get this much attention and helpful feedback!
I'm still shocked that I also managed to get so much work done this week despite feeling really bleh. But I think it's safe to say that I'm definitely back into the swing of things now. This new schedule seems to be working really well, and I really look forward to writing again unlike just before I went on hiatus. I'm super determined to stick to this schedule. I really hate randomly updating because I get confused.
Tomorrow, or Sunday by the latest, I'm hoping to have finally finished the one-shot that was supposed to have been a birthday gift for ChibiRinni. Now it's a really late birthday present. I'm still not sure what to call that one-shot yet. On my FanFiction profile I have it listed as 'Alone Together', but I don't know if I'm one hundred percent happy with that name idea. I'll probably brainstorm it with my boyfriend since he's always really good at coming up with names. So keep an eye out for any one-shot published by me this weekend.
I kinda feel like this blog entry has been a bit of a downer, and I really do apologise about that. I feel like it's been a 'woe is me' entry, but I've honestly just been describing what happened to me this week. I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself, but I'm trying to look at the postive side now in that I managed to get all of this work done, despite feeling as low as I was. That in itself is a huge achievement for me. Staying motivated is almost always impossible when you're having some sort of episode or bad week.
I just hope that next week cuts me some sort of slack.
Pixie out.
For starters, I'm still having really weird and vivid dreams that have now morphed into nightmares. This meant that my sleep was very disturbed this week, and I've often been feeling really tired as a result. Plus I kept having a few anxiety and panic attacks in the middle of the night, so that was fun. I don't know why my anxiety has been so high this week. While my medication has sort of worked in helping me with my depression, it hasn't really eased a lot of my anxiety. I'm still that weird person that can't function normally, but luckily, my behavioural therapy will be starting soon, so hopefully I'll finally be learning how to act more normal and not freak people out.
Despite all of this though, I did somewhat manage to stick to my new schedule this week. I managed to get the next chapter of Chat Vert out on time, which was probably a huge first for me. If you haven't read the latest chapter and would like to, then you can do so by clicking here. I'm so glad that my writer's block is now pretty much gone for that story, because honestly, I could have finished that story by now. I've got so many projects waiting in the wings and they're all starting to back up because of the delay with Chat Vert, and my writer's block with Immortal Bond.
I was actually surprised that people were still reading and were interested in Chat Vert, given the huge delay between the last chapter and the new one. I was expecting only about one or two reviews if I was lucky, but I ended up getting really lucky and getting nine reviews as of the moment of writing this blog entry. So, phew, people are actually still interested in that story.
Sadly though, my usual Miraculous Monday blog post was delayed by a day. I could have probably powered through and finished both the chapter and the blog post that day, but I was so tired by the time I had finished editing the chapter, that the idea of spending another hour writing and editing just didn't sit well with me at all. Not to mention I had to be up early for work the next day. So yeah, it ended up getting delayed, but only by a day though, and I guess with my track record, that's actually not that much of a delay.
I don't think it helped that I was just in such a lazy mood on Sunday. On Saturday, I had sorted out my entire room, getting rid of loads of my old clothes and stuff that I just don't use anymore. It was the first clear out that my closet has had in years. I actually found some clothes in there that were child sizes, that's how long it's been since I sorted it out. As tiring as it was, I always find cleaning to be incredibly satisifying. There's just nothing better than seeing a job well done in my opinion. I ended up dusting and vacuuming every nook and cranny as well, which ended up in me having a huge sneezing fit. I never understand where dust comes from. It's so annoying.
So yeah, that resulted in me being completely burnt out by Sunday which led to my lack of motivation. That, and the fact that I treated myself to some Chinese take-out which put me into a food coma. I was just so excited to use my new chopsticks. Oh yeah, and I FINALLY ended up finding a new town on Animal Crossing: New Leaf. A perfect map, as well as apples as the town fruit, so yaaay! My pickiness has been satisfied. I just hope that this town isn't a glitchy one either.
Wednesday was definitely an...eventful...day to say the least.
I had a doctor's appointment that day to check up on how I'm doing mental health wise, and let's just say that it didn't exactly do well. My anxiety was sky high that day and I was freaking out over every single little thing. Traffic in my town was also at a standstill due to the motorway that passes through my area being closed, meaning that all of the traffic had to come through town. This gridlocked everything, which obviously meant that there was no way that I would be able to catch the bus. So I had to walk all the way to the doctors...which was a few miles away...a lot of it uphill...in the pouring rain. I was not a happy pixie.
My boots had started rubbing my feet by the time I was halfway there, and my umbrella also broke, so no more added protection. I got drenched, and I can only imagine how much of a mess I looked when I finally arrived. I then ended up having an anxiety attack in the waiting room which resulted in me developing a painful stomach ache and having to resist the temptation of running out the building and all the way home. But luckily, my name finally appeared on the screen before things could escalate.
This did mean however, that I ended up walking into my doctor's office babbling like some insane moron. I don't remember that much of it, but I'm pretty sure I was rambling about needles at one point, which caused my doctor to start to worry that I was doing drugs. He pretty much took one look at me and decided that I needed some stronger medication. I was going to ask anyway, but in the end, I didn't need to. My freak out in his office spoke for me. So yeah, I was sat there shivering, wide-eyed, soaking wet, babbling about needles and cancer, and oh god, my public freak outs are so embarrassing. Luckily it was in front of a doctor, and I'm sure they're used to it, but still...
Ugh! Why am I like this?
The day didn't really get much better either. I got drenched on the way home as well, and I ended up getting blisters on the back of my feet thanks to my boots, which made walking painful. Then some family drama kicked off in the afternoon to a point where I'm just so done with my family at this point. I really want to just freakin' delete my Facebook account, but it's the only way I can communicate reliably with some of my friends, so I'm stuck.
Despite deciding that I've washed my hands with most of them, my cousin's (one that I actually get along with) 18th birthday is next Saturday and I've been invited to her party. So I'm really nervous that a lot of other family members are going to be there. Of course I'm still going to go, because I care deeply for my cousin and aunt (the only people who actually asked if I was okay and wanted to help when I had a mental breakdown), but I'm still freaking out because I know how weirdly the rest of my family are going to treat me when I'm there. They look at me like I'm some sort of disgusting creature from another planet. I really have no idea what I've done to spark such a reaction out of them.
I'm just going to try and stay away from them all night, not that they'll probably want to come near me anyway. I am mentally ill after all and they probably won't want to catch it.
I just ended up having a mini breakdown on Wednesday afternoon thinking about all of this. That, and it seemed like a lot of them were making a point to purposefully exclude me from family events. It keeps making me feel like some sort of dangerous freak, or that I've done something to offend them. I mean, I've always been the black sheep of the family, but years ago, we used to be a close family, but now all of a sudden, my brother and I just keep being ignored and excluded from everything. It's been getting progressively worse over these past few years. Even my sister seems to be ignoring me now, not sending me any birthday wishes or anything. She just blanked me.
So I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself. It's a good job I have been prescribed stronger medication now, as it looks like I'm going to bloody need it.
But Wednesday wasn't a totally wasted day, as I...drum role please...actually started working on Immortal Bond again! I could feel some tiny embers beginning to burn inside my brain, and I'm actually starting to prepare myself for that story again. Though I haven't quite solved the issues I've been having with that story, I did actually manage to come up with a playlist for it. So hopefully that's going to greatly help me with inspiration when making notes. Sometimes I often wonder about talking about my playlists on this blog, revealing what music inspired certain stories and certain moments. I guess it depends on whether you guys would be interested or not.
 |
| My Immortal Bond, and also sometimes Madness Within, playlist |
I had hoped that Thursday would be a better day, but unfortunately not. As soon as I woke up, I knew that I was in for a rough day. I felt awful. I was exhausted, and I had pretty bad stomach ache. I just wanted to throw my alarm across the room as soon as it woke me up. The walk to work was hell, as I literally felt the moment that my blisters popped as I was walking. It...hurt...so...bad.
This made walking almost impossible for me. Each step was like someone was stabbing the back of my feet. But I did manage to make it in. It wasn't to last though, as everyone could instantly tell that I wasn't right. I showed up drenched and miserable, kept doubling over because of my stomach ache and kept almost falling asleep at my work station. Then I had another anxiety attack, convinced that I had missed some sort of appointment, even though I knew that I hadn't. But nope, my brain just kept insisting that I needed to check my emails right that very second, so I ended up high-tailing it out of the room and to my locker. It earned me a few odd stares.
Eventually one of my supervisors just told me to go home and get some rest, which I reluctantly agreed to. I always feel really bad when I'm sick and have to go home or can't make it to something. I know it's something that can't be helped, but I still feel really awkward and like I'm letting people down.
I called into the store on the way back to pick up some anti-septic cream and some painkillers, but damn, the rest of the walk home felt like it took forever. Each step was like torture, and I was literally walking at the speed of a snail because my feet were hurting so much. I finally made it home though, completely drenched and freezing cold, feet and stomach in agony, and feeling like I was about to pass out at any moment. I cleaned myself up, changing into some cozy pyjamas, ate some nice hot chicken soup, and then just slept for the rest of the afternoon. So that meant that I didn't get any work done that day. I was just so exhausted and done with everything.
Today I have been feeling a little bit better. I still have a bit of a stomach ache and a headache, but surprisingly I actually managed to power through and not only finish this blog entry, but also the latest chapter Madness Within, which you can read by clicking here. I'm a little nervous about how this chapter will be recieved given how dark it gets and the themes that are present, but I guess I'll see soon. If anyone looks at my search history when I was writing this chapter, it will certainly raise a few questions, that's for sure.
I actually wrote that chapter a lot quicker than I thought I would. I thought that it would take forever, but I ended up sailing through it. I suppose it helps that this is a chapter that had a lot of very careful and meticulous planning. That, and it wasn't filler like the last chapter, so that made things easier. I always hate writing filler, but sometimes it is necessary to help establish the base of what's about to happen next. I'm so close to 600 reviews as well which is really exciting! I'm hoping to hit that threshold with the new chapter that has been uploaded today. I really can't thank you guys enough for all of your amazing support! I never dreamed in a million years that my story would get this much attention and helpful feedback!
I'm still shocked that I also managed to get so much work done this week despite feeling really bleh. But I think it's safe to say that I'm definitely back into the swing of things now. This new schedule seems to be working really well, and I really look forward to writing again unlike just before I went on hiatus. I'm super determined to stick to this schedule. I really hate randomly updating because I get confused.
Tomorrow, or Sunday by the latest, I'm hoping to have finally finished the one-shot that was supposed to have been a birthday gift for ChibiRinni. Now it's a really late birthday present. I'm still not sure what to call that one-shot yet. On my FanFiction profile I have it listed as 'Alone Together', but I don't know if I'm one hundred percent happy with that name idea. I'll probably brainstorm it with my boyfriend since he's always really good at coming up with names. So keep an eye out for any one-shot published by me this weekend.
I kinda feel like this blog entry has been a bit of a downer, and I really do apologise about that. I feel like it's been a 'woe is me' entry, but I've honestly just been describing what happened to me this week. I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself, but I'm trying to look at the postive side now in that I managed to get all of this work done, despite feeling as low as I was. That in itself is a huge achievement for me. Staying motivated is almost always impossible when you're having some sort of episode or bad week.
I just hope that next week cuts me some sort of slack.
Pixie out.
Sorry to hear about your shitty week. If you ever go on reddit you should check out justnofamily if you ever want to vent about your shitty family. I've always said family isn't blood, but those who choose to stay with you through the good times and the bad times. My best friend has been more of a brother to me than my actual brother. So if your family decides to ignore you, get a new family lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd just remember, your mental health is more important than anything else. I'm sure your bosses will understand if you have to call off. And you really did accomplish a lot even feeling the way you do! Good job!
I did try and join reddit a few years ago, but I never really got the hang of it and just gave up. But I do love listening to stories from the different subreddits. I've never heard of that one though. My god, my family issues would probably over the entire subreddit. I'd be there for eternity telling all my stories of how shitty my family is.
DeleteBut I agree. Family isn't everything, and that just because you share genetics, it doesn't mean anything. That's certainly something that I've learnt over these past few years. I literally hate 95% of them. It's nice that you're so close to your best friend. I'm closer to my friends than my own family.
Yeah, luckily my bosses are very understanding. They're so good to me. Hahaha, thank you!