Pixie's Chronicle: Asdfghjkl

As you can probably tell by the title of this blog entry, my brain isn't exactly working properly, especially at the moment, so forgive me if this blog entry is a little weird and sporadic in places. It's been a hell of a week that just seemed to drag on and on and on, and it felt like I just couldn't catch a break. I feel like I've had no free time to myself this week, which can make me very grumpy. I always need time to re-charge, and when that doesn't happen, I can become very stressed, weird and grouchy. So strap yourselves in guys, this is going to be a long one.

The weekend didn't exactly get off to the best start. Remember how I said there was family drama going on? Well, it got worse. So I was very angry and hurt that day, and it lead to me having my first depression episode since I have been on my medication. Both my mum and I were incredibly down that day, so we just ended up spending a lot of time together to try and distract each other. We mainly just hung out in the sunshine, and I took some pretty cute pictures of my dog which I always look at when I need cheering up.

She is beauty, she is grace, she will lick your face

But the events of that day did lead to me making a very important decision.

F*** family.

After reading a comment from kidakame, and after talking to one of my closest friends about the situation as well as my boyfriend, I finally made up my mind. Everyone had come to the same conclusion that I had come to: cut all ties.

So I did.

I went back onto Facebook and did a huge purge of family that I hate, have nothing to do with me, as well as people in general on my friends list that I have nothing to do with. Facebook is just going to be my private thing now, with my friends list now only containing just my close friends and a few family members that I actually get on with. So that means I now have like just twenty-five friends or something. But damn it felt good. I can stay on Facebook now without getting depressed over my family's drama and shenanigans. I never want to have anything to do with that lot again. I'm just done. They're all so toxic.

This leads me onto something else that's been stressing me out for the past few years. This is something that's going to be difficult for me to talk about, especially because it's so personal. If you don't want to read about all of my family drama and issues, then feel free to skip ahead to the other stuff, but if you do decide to read this section, then I would greatly appreciate your help and advice. I'm in a very difficult situation at the moment, and I want to gather as many people's opinions as possible so that I can try and make the right decision for everyone involved.

Long story short, I have a long-lost sister. We both grew up apart due to long and complicated circumstances that I won't get into here. To this day, we still haven't met each other. We started talking through Facebook about two years ago, and I finally thought that this was it, that I can finally have my sister in my life, a sister who I have loved from afar for so long now.

But life is never that easy, is it?

We've been talking on and off for the past two years, but nothing seems to be moving forward, and not from a lack of trying on my part. Before taking to her, I sent her a message asking if she would be interested in finally talking and getting to know each other. She was fine with this and seemed just as excited as I was to finally be talking. This was really short lived though.

It's always me that starts conversations and always me that has to carry the conversation. She never seems interested in me, only messaging me for the first time once just to try and get some gossip out of me it seemed, then after that, she just completely ghosted me. I'd send her messages and she'd see them but wouldn't reply. She ignored me on my birthday. Yet she seems fine with the rest of the family, getting close with them and meeting up with them. But with me, it's like she's not interested, and I often get mixed messages off her.

The biggest mixed message came on Saturday. Before I did my Facebook purge and disowned most of my family, I decided to message my sister and finally ask her what exactly she wanted from me. I asked her if she really wanted to have a relationship with me, and if she wanted to get to know me and meet up properly some day. She took a while to answer, but she eventually said yes, and that it was something she would like. I thought "great, we're finally communicating and I'm starting to know where she stands with me."

Alas, that wasn't to last.

Afterwards, I sent her to long message, wearing my heart on my sleeve (something difficult for me to do), and I explained all of my worries and how I want to do all of this properly and not hurt anybody's feelings. I also asked about my adoptive brother, since I don't know whether he would be interested in getting in touch, or if he was still too traumatized by everything that had happened to have anything to do with me, or if he even views me as family like I view him. I don't know if my mere existance upsets him.

She saw the message and then...completely ghosted me again.

I'm now at a complete loss over what to do. I was hoping to ask you guys for some advice. Is this all my fault? What do you think I should do? I'm just feeling so confused and lost right now, and I really don't know what to do for the best. I don't know whether her behaviour towards me is intentional, but whether it is or isn't, it's still upsetting me and causing me a lot of stress. It's all really starting to have a huge negative effect on me. Please help?

So...errr...yeah...that was my weekend.

Consequently, it meant that I didn't get that one-shot finished that weekend as I had originally planned. I was too busy rocking backwards and forwards in a corner. Because I didn't do any work over the weekend, this led to me being incredibly busy on Monday. I had cracked my knuckles, sat down at my laptop and was prepared to write, when all of a sudden, I could hear the distant sound of someone calling for help.

I dashed outside (in bear feet) to see what was going on to find my neighbour collapsed on the ground and screaming in pain. My other neighbour came to help, and it was clear that she was in a bad way. She was complaining of chest pains which immediately set alarms bells off, so I quickly called her an ambulance. I've never had to dial for emergancy services in my life, and they never prepare you for just how terrifying it is. I was desperately trying to keep my neighbour calm, make sure she stayed conscious, as well as trying to control my own anxiety on top of that.

I could bearly hear the woman on the end of the phone because the traffic was so loud, which made the situation a lot more complicated and drawn out than it needed to be. Then my other neighbour collapsed, but luckily I managed to catch him before his head hit the ground, so now I'm calling an ambulance for two people at the same time.

Luckily, my other neighbour eventually snapped out of it, and I got him a chair while I went back to attending to my other fallen neighbour. The ambulance took forever to arrive though, but the paramedic was really nice and helped get my neighbour safely to the hospital. I walked my other neighbour back home as he's going slightly senile now and keeps getting confused and lost, which he took great enjoyment from, flirting with me the whole time. Bless him.

My other neighbour turned out to be completely okay, she was just really badly bruised from the fall. But when checking up on her, I found out that before I had arrived, someone had seen her, stopped and stared at her as she pleaded for him to help her, and then just casually walked off without saying a word. Like...WHAT?! How can someone just be that cold? I could never live with myself if I did something like that, not that I would anyway. So yeah, my faith in humanity is officially gone.

Because of the day's excitements, it meant that I was exhausted and rushing to get the latest chapter of Chat Vert up and running, which you can read by clicking here if you haven't already. This unfortunately led to a poorer quality chapter. People seemed to really enjoy the content, but the chapter had a lot of typos and errors in it that I had missed, which was frustrating, but I knew was bound to happen. I'll get it cleaned up soon, especially as I'm hoping to post the story on AO3.

Ugh, and don't get me started on my AO3 adventures this week, but more on that soon.

Tuesday was another tough day. It was really hot outside, always fun for me, and we have this new girl at work who I don't exactly get along with. As soon as I met her, I got a funny feeling about her, but I just put it down to me being petty and jealous, as I'm not comfortable when I feel like people are trying to force their way into my life. She was getting way too obsessed and familiar with one of my best friends which makes me stupidily insecure as I have a lot of experience of being pushed out due to situations like this.

I was nice and polite to her, but I got the sense that she was likely going to annoy me. I figured I was just being hastily judgemental and scolded myself before strugging it off. She got under my feet a few times and wouldn't move out of the way when I politely asked her to, but she hadn't done anything serious. I got the sense that she might be a bit dense and just dismissed the incidents.

But then I was tasked with organising the books that day, and the new girl got sent in to help me. She ends up walking up to me and then started patronising me and telling me how to do my job. I just looked at her blankly before saying, "I know, I've been working here for a while now." Then she just walks off and leaves me on my own, despite being assigned to help me. So yeah, that confused and annoyed me.

That was really the only incident that I had with her on Tuesday. I mainly just decided to try and keep out of her way as much as possible since my gut feeling about her seemed to have been proven correct so far. Though I did notice that a lot of the stock was a mess, and I kept having to clean a lot of things up and correct a load of mistakes. But at the time, I thought nothing of it, figuring that it was just a busy day and that people were doing half-assed jobs of stuff as a result.

Apart from this, it was an average day, though I did get to witness one of my supervisors discover hentai for the first time which was hilarious.

On Wednesday, I suddenly had this weird burst of energy. It felt weird to be properly motivated again. It also made me realise just how much of a mess the house was. A switch was flicked in my brain and EVERYTHING needed to be spotless. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then got ready to sit down and do some work before I got an important phone call that I needed to deal with. After this, I was so incredibly tired and stressed, resulting in me having a complete breakdown on ChibiRinni, harassing her with messages about how sorry I was that her one-shot kept getting delayed. It must be so much fun to be friends with me *cringes*.

However, on the plus side, the wheels in my head seem to be turning for Immortal Bond again. I'm debating now about whether I should rate the story M, because I certainly have some dark ideas for it. I'm beginning to wonder if that's why I'm having so many problems: I'm restraining myself too much. What do you guys think? Would you be interested if the story was rated M? Or do you think I should keep it to a T rating? I value your opinions a lot.

Thursday. Thursday thursday thursday. Thursday was just...hell. I think it probably felt as bad as it did because I was really tired as I hadn't slept properly and had to be up really early for a meeting. The guy I was supposed to be having the meeting with ended up showing up late, which annoyed me, because if that had been me, I would have gotten into huge trouble, no matter what my excuse was. I really hate double standards like that. So yeah, I wasn't happy.

I made it back into work, and joy of joys, the new girl was trying to get in my face. I put it down to her just being the overly friendly type that had little to no respect for personal boundaries, but that still didn't mean it didn't make me uncomfortable, especially since I was trying to get on with my work and didn't want to get into trouble. I don't even know what she was supposed to be doing, she was just kinda following me, not doing anything. I wondered if she had some sort of mental condition, and if that was the case, then I could certainly understand and deal with it. But it turns out, she doesn't.

While I was busy doing another task, she came in to ask me where some equipment was stored. I pointed to the railing behind her, and she then proceeded to start just dumping them all there and not organise them. I tried to tell her that she needed to organise them as we have a special system that we need to stick to so we make life easier for others, but she either didn't hear me or purposefully didn't listen. But what I heard afterwards convinced me that it was most likely the latter. It turned out that it wasn't just me that had a problem with her. Everyone else did too. They also found her arrogant, annoying and lazy. It was a bit of a relief to know that it wasn't just me. I thought that I was just being stupid. But nope, she's been annoying everyone else too.

She's been ignoring instructions, kicking off and blaming other people when people point out that what she was doing is wrong, lazily just dumping things everywhere, getting other people into trouble for stuff that she's done, causing safety hazards as well as bossing people around. An all around nightmare. It looked like it was a good job that I stayed away from her. The issues I mentioned having on Tuesday were all caused by her. You could blame it on her being new, but she's had full training. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, fair enough, but with her, it's all the time and she refuses to take responsibility for them. That's what ticks me off the most.

By the end of the day, I was just not in the mood for anything. It was hot, I was tired and fed up of other people, so I was already on a very short fuse.

That's when I saw something that made me snap.

An...shall we say interesting, review on one of my stories. I'm not going to name any names, and I highly doubt they're reading this blog, but if you are, sorry if you didn't mean to be...let's say rude...but, well, you were. The review came across as very arrogant and snobbish, an attitude I was already tired of dealing with that day. I can handle constructive criticism, but the key word there is constructive. This person sounded like they were criticising for criticising sake. They came across as very arrogant when they tried to point out that something I had written was grammatically incorrect (it wasn't). Then they said that my story was surprising good considering English likely wasn't my first language.

SNAP.

I'm sorry...what? WHAT?!

Enter Pixie rage mode.

What kind of backhanded compliment is that? Dare I say it almost sounds borderline racist? I normally ignore snobby, bossy and arrogant sounding people when I come across them on FanFiction and AO3 and stuff like that, but I had already reached the end of my tether. I ended up writing a little bit of a passive aggressive reply to them. Was that immature of me? Definitely. Did I overreact? Probably. Freedom of speech and all that jazz.

But that remark just got under my skin so much. So yeah, I basically thanked them for the advice, pointed out that my grammar in those moments was actually correct, then hit them with the fact that English was my first language and that I have two college qualifications in the subject. I know I probably shouldn't have, but damn, this comment just woke up the sleeping bear inside me. I didn't say anything nasty, but it's probably easy to tell that I was being passive aggressive.

It should be interesting to see if they reply. I mean, I know my stories can have some typos in them and that they aren't perfect, but damn, I know I'm not that bad. Especially considering this was the heavily edited and polished version of the story they were talking about. Who just assumes by fanfiction that English isn't the writer's first language? Dude, I'm from England, and you'd know that if you checked my profile instead of just assuming. We bloody invented the language.

I apologise if I come across as really ranty and bitchy in this blog entry. I've just had such a long week and different people have just tipped me over the edge. I'm just an angry ball of angst at the moment, and I've never claimed to be perfect. I need to vent. If I was in a normal mood, a lot of this stuff probably wouldn't have gotten to me as I'm usually a laid back and chill person. But you know that feeling when you're tired, in a bad mood, and subsequently every little thing annoys and irritates you? Yeah, that was basically me this week. Especially yesterday.

Because of how stressed and tired I was, all of my work kept on piling up. I was still struggling with the one-shot, which has now been renamed as Afflicted Amour by the way. I had some help from my boyfriend to try and organise the ideas a little bit more, but darn it, writing is incredibly difficult when you're exhausted and in a foul mood. The story will almost definitely be uploaded tomorrow! Now one of my friends, who is a huge rock to me, has now had to go off the grid for a bit, which upset me a bit as I'm going to miss her a lot until she comes back.

Though on Thursday, I did manage to watch and catch up on all of the latest episodes of Miraculous Ladybug, so that's definitely helped cheer me up a little bit. The English dubs for those just seemed to be dropped out of nowhere, but oh well, I'm not complaining. So over the course of the coming Miraculous Mondays, expect to see my reviews for the episodes Silencer, Onichan, Bakerix and Miraculer. 

After editing chapter 14 of Destiny's Dance a day later than I should have, I just kinda ended up passing out Thursday night because my body and brain were just done with everything. I slept for twelve hours last night, so yeah, I really must have needed my rest.

Today I did wake up feeling a little bit more refreshed. It was daunting knowing that I had so much to do and catch up on, but I just kept telling myself that it was all worth it to finally be on top of everything again. It was great that the lastest chapter of Madness Within was easy to write since I had the whole chapter planned out down to the last detail for over a year now. There was a huge reveal in the chapter, and I hope that people enjoyed it. You can now read the latest chapter by clicking here if you haven't already.

I really am hoping for a much more quiet week next week, but meh, I know that probably isn't going to happen. I hope that you guys can offer me some advice with my problems lately as I would greatly appreciate it. I'm sorry to get all personal, heavy and ranty in this entry, but I was reaching my breaking point this week and needed to get some thoughts out of my system. Here's hoping that I can completely calm down and relax soon.

Pixie out.