Hey guys!
Did you miss me? I know that I certainly missed all of you, and I missed writing and blogging so much. But still, that break was much needed and now I'm certainly feeling a lot better and ready to slowly ease myself back into things again. It's been a long and bumpy road, but I'm getting there, and it definitely probably won't be the last mental breakdown that I'll ever have in my life, that's for sure. But I always manage to pick myself back up and keep going.
So yeah, a lot of bad things were happening, and my mental health, confidence and self esteem had hit rock bottom. I was in huge financial and employment problems, there was a lot of family drama going on, and my family and I were in huge danger from a few people, and I was just all around in huge trouble with loads of other things going on. I got home one day and just collasped and couldn't stop crying, blubbering and mumbling to myself for hours until my boyfriend managed to somewhat calm me down.
I had really truly scared myself that day, because while I have always had some suicidal feelings, I had never once thought that I would act on them. But that day, I had accidentally stepped out in front of a car, and for a few agonizingly long seconds, I honestly thought about not moving and just letting it hit me. Luckily I managed to snap out of it though, and that's when I realised that something was seriously wrong. So yeah...that was worrying. I needed help. Some serious help.
For a few days, I had been struggling to write and update due to my mental state, and I had often used writing fanfiction as a way to distract myself from my problems so that I wouldn't have to face them. While it's nice and healthy to have an escape, I was using mine as an excuse not to deal with anything and was becoming obsessed with writing just to make sure that I didn't have to think about other things. So I knew that I would have to go on hiatus while I forced myself to deal with things. I was so worried about making that decision, especially with some of the messages and reviews I get nagging me to update sometimes. I convinced myself that I was going to start some sort of riot or something and that people would misinterpret and think I was abandoning my work.
But I really couldn't believe the overwelming amount of support that I got. You guys were amazing and really helped me find the strength to get better. Your words of encouragement meant everything to me, and in my darkest moments, I always thought about them and they helped pull me through. You are all so lovely and I really can't thank you all enough. I don't know where I would be without you. Sometimes when you're depressed, it's easy to forget that people do actually care and can be nice, and the fact that I had a lot of support coming from almost total strangers really humbled me and helped me heal.
One of my first steps was obviously seeing a doctor. I really didn't want to do it as I knew they would put me back on medication which I had often had unpleasant experiences with, but I knew it was probably the only way to help me start feeling somewhat better. Low and behold, the doctor immediately wanted to get me back on medication.
I already knew the side effects that I would most likely get. I can never have injections or take medications without experiencing at least some of the side effects. I'm just unlucky like that. And some of the side effects of anti-depressants can be really weird. Once I started taking them I felt super weird. Like super super super weird. Everything felt like a dream and like nothing was really real. I remember walking my dog and feeling like I was on the verge of hallucinating or something. The way I was behaving almost reminded me of Sokka from Avatar the Last Airbender when he drank that cactus juice. It was so weird.
Luckily that wore off, but it wasn't long before the teeth grinding started. That's definitely one of the most bizarre side effects I've ever had while on medication. I ended up giving myself tooth ache it got that bad. I also kept having hot flushes which had a lot of people teasing me over being 'menopausal', so yeah, that was embarrassing and annoying. And of course, as is the side effect of most anti-depressants, I was extremely tired all the time. I had just managed to fix my sleep schedule and now these stupid pills were threatening to ruin it. I kept having to take naps which was annoying.
But the side effects of the medication seem to be wearing off now and my body seems to be getting used to them at long last. I'm now getting that delicious, juicy serotonin that my brain has long been starved of, and it's giving my body and brain that little bit of help that it needs to get better.
I got some more therapy and ended up having to take some more tests to make sure my diagnoses were accurate and what not. One thing that was really embarrassing and eye-openening was when they were testing me for social anxiety disorder. Apparently to be diagnosed with the disorder, you need at least a score of 19. Guess what I scored? 60. Like...damn. I kinda just burst out laughing when my therapist told me that because I didn't really know what else to do or say. I mean...60?! Holy cow, I had no idea I was that bad. I also apparently had one of the most confusing cases of post traumatic stress disorder they had ever seen. Trust me to break the system and cause everyone to have a meeting about how odd I am. Yep, the whole department ended up having to actually have a meeting about me because I was such a unique case.
Go figure.
Apparently in cases of post traumatic stress disorder, those suffering from it struggle to process the memories, however, I apparently appear to have processed the memories, yet still experience most of the other symptoms of the disorder, like flashbacks and nightmares etc. So yeah, my therapist had no idea what the heck was going on with me and needed to talk to her superiors about me. It was kinda embarrassing, but meh, at least it meant I might finally get the proper help that I needed. So now I'm going to be having cognitive behavioural therapy to help me cope better.
I also got myself a new job which has greatly helped me increase my confidence and helped me in feeling a bit more secure. I really love working there and have already become good friends with a few people and my boss is absolutely amazing. Considering I rocked up to the interview having a hot flush (thanks medication), I still got the job which was awesome. It's exhausting work though as I'm used to being on my feet for so long. I'm used to mainly working at a desk. So yeah, I'm still getting used to that.
Because I wasn't writing, I suddenly found myself with a lot of free time on my hands. Seriously, what did I do with my time before I started writing fanfiction? I really didn't know what to do with myself, but of course, I knew that I would have to focus on recovery and letting my brain rest. So when I wasn't job hunting and attending interviews, I was finally focusing on my other long neglected hobbies. I've been doing really well in my Spanish and French lessons, as well as starting reading books again. Right now I'm reading Six Wives by David Starkey. It's a huge read, but I'm slowly getting through it.
Of course, I also enjoyed watching the latest episodes of Miraculous Ladybug; they always certainly helped cheer me up. And of course I had my gaming as well. I'm still addicted to Animal Crossing: New Leaf, but a few days ago, I decided to look through all of my games and try and see what I hadn't played in a long time. I ended up finding my old DS copy of My Sims and shrugged my shoulders before popping it in to have a nosey. I got hooked. I was able to play the game way better than I ever could when I would play it as a kid. Right now I've just reached star level 4. I might try replaying My Sims Kingdom again next.
The rest and chill time certainly helped my poorly brain. I still have a lot of drama going on in my life, but now I'm in a much better mental state to deal with it, so I am hoping to get back into writing next week, starting with the long awaited one-shot that I wanted to write and post for ChibiRinni's birthday. It's a month late at this point, but I'm hoping that she'll love it and that it will help cheer her up as she's been going through a bit of a tough time lately too. At least starting with the one-shot will also allow me to get into writing again since I'm probably a little bit rusty at this point.
I am hoping to maybe update Madness Within at some point over the next coming week, with the most likely time of posting being next weekend. I need to go over my notes again just to refresh my memory since I haven't gone near anything writing related in a good few weeks. I have the next chapter already partially written, but no doubt I'll probably want to delete it and start again since I wrote that portion just before my breakdown, and I likely won't like it anymore or think it's of good enough quality. I'm also hoping to update Chat Vert very soon as well, hopefully not that much longer after the next chapter of Madness Within. As for Immortal Bond, well, I have no idea at the moment. All of my plans for that story are kinda up in the air at the moment, and I'm now not sure if I am satisfied with the current ideas that I have for it. I'll have to get back to you on that one. As soon as I'm back posting on FanFiction, I'll be back posting on AO3 too at my normal scheduled times.
However, I do have a brand new up and coming exciting project. I'll be doing a collaboration with my good friend and writing buddy LycoRogue. Apparently one of my episode reviews inspired the idea in her mind, so she thought she would ask me to collab on it, and of course there's the added bonus that I love history and am knowledgeable in it. I'm not going to include spoilers here, but if you're interested, then you can read more about it on LycoRogue's blog by clicking here.
For now though, I'm mainly going to be working on my episode reviews since I have now really fallen behind on them. That should also help slowly ease me back into writing as well, and I know a few of you have missed those and have been looking forward to reading my thoughts on the new episodes. So my Stormy Weather 2 review should be up on Monday 6th April and the next reviews will chronologically follow every Monday after that.
Of course, you can always make sure that you keep up to date with everything that I post and update by following me on Twitter which you can do by clicking here. I definitely recommend it if you like keeping up to date with what work I'm doing, if you want to interact with me a bit more, talk to me, and of course be notified of updates, delays and new work.
I will be going back to releasing a Pixie's Chronicle every Friday if you want a more detailed look at what I'm working on and have been up to. So to keep up with those, you can follow my blog or subscribe to my posts, meaning you'll get an email alert every time I post something on here.
Once again, I am so grateful for all of the amazing love and support that I've had over the last few weeks. I couldn't believe it when I would get messages and comments off people checking up on me and asking how I am. You guys are so wonderful and I really couldn't ask for more kind and considerate readers. You have no idea how much your words lifted my spirits and helped me climb out of that deep dark hole that I had found myself in. I'm feeling a lot more postive now thanks to all of you. You have no idea how much a simple kind message can help someone suffering from mental health problems, so keep being you, guys. You helped me get better. I wish that I could hug each and every one of you.
I look forward to getting back to writing again! I hope to see you guys there!
Pixie out.
Did you miss me? I know that I certainly missed all of you, and I missed writing and blogging so much. But still, that break was much needed and now I'm certainly feeling a lot better and ready to slowly ease myself back into things again. It's been a long and bumpy road, but I'm getting there, and it definitely probably won't be the last mental breakdown that I'll ever have in my life, that's for sure. But I always manage to pick myself back up and keep going.
So yeah, a lot of bad things were happening, and my mental health, confidence and self esteem had hit rock bottom. I was in huge financial and employment problems, there was a lot of family drama going on, and my family and I were in huge danger from a few people, and I was just all around in huge trouble with loads of other things going on. I got home one day and just collasped and couldn't stop crying, blubbering and mumbling to myself for hours until my boyfriend managed to somewhat calm me down.
I had really truly scared myself that day, because while I have always had some suicidal feelings, I had never once thought that I would act on them. But that day, I had accidentally stepped out in front of a car, and for a few agonizingly long seconds, I honestly thought about not moving and just letting it hit me. Luckily I managed to snap out of it though, and that's when I realised that something was seriously wrong. So yeah...that was worrying. I needed help. Some serious help.
For a few days, I had been struggling to write and update due to my mental state, and I had often used writing fanfiction as a way to distract myself from my problems so that I wouldn't have to face them. While it's nice and healthy to have an escape, I was using mine as an excuse not to deal with anything and was becoming obsessed with writing just to make sure that I didn't have to think about other things. So I knew that I would have to go on hiatus while I forced myself to deal with things. I was so worried about making that decision, especially with some of the messages and reviews I get nagging me to update sometimes. I convinced myself that I was going to start some sort of riot or something and that people would misinterpret and think I was abandoning my work.
But I really couldn't believe the overwelming amount of support that I got. You guys were amazing and really helped me find the strength to get better. Your words of encouragement meant everything to me, and in my darkest moments, I always thought about them and they helped pull me through. You are all so lovely and I really can't thank you all enough. I don't know where I would be without you. Sometimes when you're depressed, it's easy to forget that people do actually care and can be nice, and the fact that I had a lot of support coming from almost total strangers really humbled me and helped me heal.
One of my first steps was obviously seeing a doctor. I really didn't want to do it as I knew they would put me back on medication which I had often had unpleasant experiences with, but I knew it was probably the only way to help me start feeling somewhat better. Low and behold, the doctor immediately wanted to get me back on medication.
 |
| Nom nom happy pills |
I already knew the side effects that I would most likely get. I can never have injections or take medications without experiencing at least some of the side effects. I'm just unlucky like that. And some of the side effects of anti-depressants can be really weird. Once I started taking them I felt super weird. Like super super super weird. Everything felt like a dream and like nothing was really real. I remember walking my dog and feeling like I was on the verge of hallucinating or something. The way I was behaving almost reminded me of Sokka from Avatar the Last Airbender when he drank that cactus juice. It was so weird.
Luckily that wore off, but it wasn't long before the teeth grinding started. That's definitely one of the most bizarre side effects I've ever had while on medication. I ended up giving myself tooth ache it got that bad. I also kept having hot flushes which had a lot of people teasing me over being 'menopausal', so yeah, that was embarrassing and annoying. And of course, as is the side effect of most anti-depressants, I was extremely tired all the time. I had just managed to fix my sleep schedule and now these stupid pills were threatening to ruin it. I kept having to take naps which was annoying.
But the side effects of the medication seem to be wearing off now and my body seems to be getting used to them at long last. I'm now getting that delicious, juicy serotonin that my brain has long been starved of, and it's giving my body and brain that little bit of help that it needs to get better.
I got some more therapy and ended up having to take some more tests to make sure my diagnoses were accurate and what not. One thing that was really embarrassing and eye-openening was when they were testing me for social anxiety disorder. Apparently to be diagnosed with the disorder, you need at least a score of 19. Guess what I scored? 60. Like...damn. I kinda just burst out laughing when my therapist told me that because I didn't really know what else to do or say. I mean...60?! Holy cow, I had no idea I was that bad. I also apparently had one of the most confusing cases of post traumatic stress disorder they had ever seen. Trust me to break the system and cause everyone to have a meeting about how odd I am. Yep, the whole department ended up having to actually have a meeting about me because I was such a unique case.
Go figure.
Apparently in cases of post traumatic stress disorder, those suffering from it struggle to process the memories, however, I apparently appear to have processed the memories, yet still experience most of the other symptoms of the disorder, like flashbacks and nightmares etc. So yeah, my therapist had no idea what the heck was going on with me and needed to talk to her superiors about me. It was kinda embarrassing, but meh, at least it meant I might finally get the proper help that I needed. So now I'm going to be having cognitive behavioural therapy to help me cope better.
I also got myself a new job which has greatly helped me increase my confidence and helped me in feeling a bit more secure. I really love working there and have already become good friends with a few people and my boss is absolutely amazing. Considering I rocked up to the interview having a hot flush (thanks medication), I still got the job which was awesome. It's exhausting work though as I'm used to being on my feet for so long. I'm used to mainly working at a desk. So yeah, I'm still getting used to that.
Because I wasn't writing, I suddenly found myself with a lot of free time on my hands. Seriously, what did I do with my time before I started writing fanfiction? I really didn't know what to do with myself, but of course, I knew that I would have to focus on recovery and letting my brain rest. So when I wasn't job hunting and attending interviews, I was finally focusing on my other long neglected hobbies. I've been doing really well in my Spanish and French lessons, as well as starting reading books again. Right now I'm reading Six Wives by David Starkey. It's a huge read, but I'm slowly getting through it.
Of course, I also enjoyed watching the latest episodes of Miraculous Ladybug; they always certainly helped cheer me up. And of course I had my gaming as well. I'm still addicted to Animal Crossing: New Leaf, but a few days ago, I decided to look through all of my games and try and see what I hadn't played in a long time. I ended up finding my old DS copy of My Sims and shrugged my shoulders before popping it in to have a nosey. I got hooked. I was able to play the game way better than I ever could when I would play it as a kid. Right now I've just reached star level 4. I might try replaying My Sims Kingdom again next.
The rest and chill time certainly helped my poorly brain. I still have a lot of drama going on in my life, but now I'm in a much better mental state to deal with it, so I am hoping to get back into writing next week, starting with the long awaited one-shot that I wanted to write and post for ChibiRinni's birthday. It's a month late at this point, but I'm hoping that she'll love it and that it will help cheer her up as she's been going through a bit of a tough time lately too. At least starting with the one-shot will also allow me to get into writing again since I'm probably a little bit rusty at this point.
I am hoping to maybe update Madness Within at some point over the next coming week, with the most likely time of posting being next weekend. I need to go over my notes again just to refresh my memory since I haven't gone near anything writing related in a good few weeks. I have the next chapter already partially written, but no doubt I'll probably want to delete it and start again since I wrote that portion just before my breakdown, and I likely won't like it anymore or think it's of good enough quality. I'm also hoping to update Chat Vert very soon as well, hopefully not that much longer after the next chapter of Madness Within. As for Immortal Bond, well, I have no idea at the moment. All of my plans for that story are kinda up in the air at the moment, and I'm now not sure if I am satisfied with the current ideas that I have for it. I'll have to get back to you on that one. As soon as I'm back posting on FanFiction, I'll be back posting on AO3 too at my normal scheduled times.
However, I do have a brand new up and coming exciting project. I'll be doing a collaboration with my good friend and writing buddy LycoRogue. Apparently one of my episode reviews inspired the idea in her mind, so she thought she would ask me to collab on it, and of course there's the added bonus that I love history and am knowledgeable in it. I'm not going to include spoilers here, but if you're interested, then you can read more about it on LycoRogue's blog by clicking here.
For now though, I'm mainly going to be working on my episode reviews since I have now really fallen behind on them. That should also help slowly ease me back into writing as well, and I know a few of you have missed those and have been looking forward to reading my thoughts on the new episodes. So my Stormy Weather 2 review should be up on Monday 6th April and the next reviews will chronologically follow every Monday after that.
Of course, you can always make sure that you keep up to date with everything that I post and update by following me on Twitter which you can do by clicking here. I definitely recommend it if you like keeping up to date with what work I'm doing, if you want to interact with me a bit more, talk to me, and of course be notified of updates, delays and new work.
I will be going back to releasing a Pixie's Chronicle every Friday if you want a more detailed look at what I'm working on and have been up to. So to keep up with those, you can follow my blog or subscribe to my posts, meaning you'll get an email alert every time I post something on here.
Once again, I am so grateful for all of the amazing love and support that I've had over the last few weeks. I couldn't believe it when I would get messages and comments off people checking up on me and asking how I am. You guys are so wonderful and I really couldn't ask for more kind and considerate readers. You have no idea how much your words lifted my spirits and helped me climb out of that deep dark hole that I had found myself in. I'm feeling a lot more postive now thanks to all of you. You have no idea how much a simple kind message can help someone suffering from mental health problems, so keep being you, guys. You helped me get better. I wish that I could hug each and every one of you.
I look forward to getting back to writing again! I hope to see you guys there!
Pixie out.
*Hugs* glad you are feeling better! And congratulations on making your therapist office go "huh". Everyone is good at something lol.
ReplyDelete*hugs* Thank you so much! Bahahahaha, I know, only I can manage to break the UK's mental health system lol. It certainly makes me feel special and unique if nothing else lol.
DeleteThis is very happy news to hear, I am so beyond relieved that you are doing much better. I could barely get thru your post without letting a few tears out. You are such a fighter and I'm proud of you for not giving up. I have missed your reviews and your stories so much, they were the highlight of my day, but you need to focus on yourself first and foremost. I bet the newest episode of Miraculous Ladybug cheered up your spirits at least a little bit, I am looking forward to that review lol.
ReplyDeleteAs for the ppl who keep nagging at you to update, just know you don't owe us anything. This is your passion and healthy outlet, but it should not consume your life. I wish more ppl would understand that, used to upset me a lot when I was writing fanfiction in high school and instead of positive or constructive reviews, most ppl would put things like, "update tomorrow! Plz!" Or "update now update now!" And I'm over here like, "I have a life, I can't just drop everything and write." The pressure got to be too much that i just stopped altogether. So basicslly, I understand perfectly where you are coming from on that end.
Anyways, I'm happy to hear you are back Pixie and ready to take on the world. Congrats on getting where you are now :) It's no easy feat, so take your time celebrating you before you gift us with your talents again.
See you in the Stormy Weather 2 review, I will be looking forward to it. Oh, and just in case you're out of the loop, Silencer is supposed to air this Sunday. For my time, I live in Phoenix it will air 11:30 Saturday night and it will be French dub.
Thank you so much! Awww, and I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. Yeah, I probably do go through a lot, but like you said, I am a fighter, and I always refuse to go down without one. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're words mean so much to me!
DeleteI'm so glad that my work brings you so much joy! I will be taking things easy for a while so I probably won't be updating as frequently, it all depends on how things go. Yes, that episode certainly did cheer me up, and I've been dying to write a review for it! I can't wait for you to read it!
Yeah, I know, but I always put way too much pressure on myself to update, and people saying things like that always re-affirms my own nagging thoughts. But some people do get really bossy and it can get annoying. Us writers do have lives. I'm sorry that it made you stop writing though.
Awww, you're so sweet and amazing! Thank you! And yeah, I have heard about that episode being released. I often don't watch the French dub since I always watch the episodes with my boyfriend, who hates subtitles, so that means there won't be a review of that episode until the English version is released unfortunately.
Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry you hit such a low. :'( But I'm elated that you picked yourself up from it, got help, and are feeling better now. I hope your family is also safe. How scary that you were in danger! O_O God bless your boyfriend though. I'm glad you had him to help you through everything.
ReplyDeleteAs the Anon said, you don't owe anyone anything, so take all the time you need. I'd be lying, though, if I didn't say I was excited to see you writing again. Welcome back, indeed. Sorry the comeback had to come with some wonky side effects, at least, for a time.
And wow indeed on that anxiety scale! O.o But.. uh... yay that you have a "special talent" when it comes to confusing therapists, I guess. LOL. Maybe you'll be a case study in a book someday. How about THAT for a claim to fame? >3<
Anyway, I'm glad you're getting better and have a job that is helping you feel more secure and at ease. The on-the-feet part sucks, but you eventually get used to it.
Best of luck in everything. <3
Honestly, I'm used to hitting such lows. It wasn't the first time and it most likely won't be the last. But hey, at least I know that I can bounce back from them. It's just life I guess. Yeah, my boyfriend is one in a million. No idea how he puts up with me, lol.
DeleteAhahahaha, yeah, it was certainly hilarious when I scored 60 on that test. But it was eye opening as sometimes you don't realise how bad things are for you. That would be awesome indeed ahahaha.
Thank you so much! You're such an amazing friend! ^_^