Pixie's Chronicle: I Hate My Family

Hey! It's been a hectic month to say the least, so I think this entry will definitely help de-construct it from my brain. Especially since my brain has been literally feeling like it's about to explode. Oh the joys of stress and real life. Plus, I've had a few people express a huge amount of concern for me, even to a point where they were worried that I might do something stupid. Don't worry on that front. Yeah, I'm going through a lot, and yeah, it can get to me pretty badly sometimes, but I've been through and survived a lot worse. As difficult as it can be, and as horrible as depression and anxiety can be, I always keep pushing myself forward out of spite, if that makes any sense? In a, 'screw you, life, you cannot beat me!' kind of way. Now I'm worried about you guys worrying about me. Ack! See what you've done?! We can all form an anxious club... actually, that sounds like a terrible idea...

I suppose I should start where I left off from last time. Our new manager finally started... and... well... let's just say that my first impression of him was pretty accurate. The guy's a moron. Which says something coming from me. In fact, I think 'moron' is the wrong word. 'Arrogant' is probably more appropriate. It's weird having a guy on our team now, and it's definitely taken some getting used to. Especially since he's the typical, boring, everyday guy, if that makes sense? No offense to those sort of people; you do you. It's just we're a very quirky bunch, and the new boring atmosphere resulting from his arrival hasn't been fun. He's nice enough when having a conversation with him, but he's just so... normal. He's definitely not going to survive in this job. He's come from a boring office background, too. Here, we're always on the move and something is always happening (usually something going wrong), and we have to have a laugh about it otherwise we just go crazy. So yeah, overall, he's not exactly fitting in so far, as much as we try to include him. He in particular seems fed up with me and my supervisor since we're probably the weirdest of the group. Personality wise, we're just not on the same page. 

I could live with that, though, if it wasn't for his damn arrogance. He's one of those middle aged white men that thinks he's everybody's saviour. For example, he's convinced that any achievements we make as a team is all down to him; that the place was falling apart before he joined. He openly brags about how amazing he is at his job and acts like we're lost without him. In reality, the place is always falling apart because it's cursed. Spikes in sales have mainly been down to the fact that COVID restrictions are lifting, and because one of our competitors has now closed down. Yet he's convinced its all down to him. Well... his statistics say otherwise. In fact, they show that he's doing VERY badly. Which we're letting slide for now since he's still new. But one thing that's really rubbing us the wrong way is just his overall attitude to his job. He keeps bragging about how easy it is, but he's never actually doing any of the work. That's probably why he's finding it easy. He never does any of the paperwork, he falls behind on bank repayments, never actually checks anything, and, the worst of them all, he just downright pisses off early. He's scheduled in to work until five thirty, and as the manager, it's his job to close the store. But literally one day he full-on ditched me. He left nearly two hours early, leaving me on my own when a violent fight had broken out, and meaning that I had to close-up... for FREE, because that day, I wasn't being paid for that responsibility. He just... left. 

I had hoped it was a one off, but nope. He just kept doing it. When his own boss, the regional manager, came to visit, he could tell I was unhappy about something, especially when he asked what I think of the new manager. I can't lie about people to save my life. I always end up giving my honest opinion. I did manage to keep most of my thoughts to myself, but I did end up asking if he had a different contract to all previous managers, just in case I had the wrong end of the stick and there was some sort of agreement that I hadn't been told about. Of course, that immediately got the regional manager suspicious. I then revealed that he kept ditching me, much to the regional manager's shock. He reassured me that there is no contract difference and that he is breaking the rules by doing this, as well as putting me in danger. He then checked the CCTV to see what I was talking about, and low and behold, he got to witness the new manager ditching me when a fight had broken out. He told me he would investigate and to contact him if it happens again. 

Well, it did happen again. A few times, actually. The regional manager is convinced that it's something he has misinterpreted in training, but I'm not so sure. When I told the manager what his shift was supposed to be, he ignored me. In fact, any time I tried to give him advice to prevent us all from getting into trouble, he just ignored me. He kept doing the same to my supervisor too, and even ditched her mid-shift at one point. It's driving us up the wall. There was a point where he started counting cash before closing, in full view of customers, to which all I said to him was, "Do you wanna get stabbed?" He didn't take me seriously. He keeps thinking we're exaggerating when we tell him how dangerous the area is. I can't say I necessarily blame him on that front, since it all does sound rather unbelievable, but he finally got his first taste when a crazy lady started harassing him, and some guy stole a bunch of expensive creatine supplements. I just can't wait until he comes face-to-face with guitar guy. That'll be a show that I want front row tickets to. 

Honestly, looking after some arrogant man with no sense of danger is headache-inducing. Me and my supervisor have now just taken a step back and we're letting him get on with it. I guess he's one of those people that has to learn the hard way. At least he can't turn around and say we didn't warn him. That's if he lasts that long anyway. We're already placing bets that he's not going to last longer than five months. We'll be shocked if he does. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens in the future. 

But yeah, overall, these events had me downright near ready to have another mental break down at work. Customers were being especially annoying, which definitely didn't help. Most of them have been harmless entertainment, while others have been super difficult and picky. The lady who asked me if oats were vegetarian will be sure to go down as one of the stupidest questions I have ever been asked. I thought she was joking at first and awkwardly laughed, but it turned out she was dead serious. 

However, even those funny moments didn't help when I was feeling so overwhelmed. The real kicker then came when my grandma was rushed into hospital again. She had been going a bit loopy for a few days, which is usually a sign of an infection, but then one night, she suffered a fall and called herself an ambulance. Luckily, she was fine, just a bit shaken up. But it did start getting us thinking about the next stages of her care. She lives alone with no family nearby, so we've been relying on two family friends who live nearby to care for her (they're qualified carers and nurses). Why she thought moving 200 miles away from close family was a good idea at her age, I have no idea. But she refuses to move, and as much as we'd like to, we can't get the constant time off work needed to care for her ourselves. My mum visits when she can, but that can only be during school holiday periods since she works in a school. My grandma doesn't recognise me anymore which can be really confusing for her. She thinks I'm still a child. Her mind has really deteriorated these past few weeks. And my aunt and uncle just downright refuse to help her because they can't be bothered. Me and my mum have been trying to think of the best options for her, but she insists on staying where she is, that she doesn't want to go into a home, and that she doesn't want to leave my grandfather's grave. Which is fair enough, I guess, but when something goes wrong, it makes things a thousand times more difficult. 

It then all came to a head a few weeks ago when my grandma rang her carer in the middle of the night complaining of chest pains. We honestly thought that this was it. That this was the big heart attack that we had all been waiting for. Of course, the carer called an ambulance which took over an hour to get there - I wish I was joking. But finally, she was rushed into hospital, and when my mum called to find out what was going on, the nurse on duty simply said, "she has heart failure, see you later." and then hung up. Like... WHAT?! No further explanation. Obviously we were devastated and convinced that it was finally the end for her. When my mum finally managed to get back in touch with the hospital again, we luckily got a different nurse who properly explained things. Turns out my grandma has exacerbated heart failure, and that they've had to tweak her blood pressure medication in order to compensate for this as much as possible. She did indeed have another infection which was worsening her mental state. She was then declared medically fit to go home, but they wouldn't release her from hospital until better care was put in place. Fair enough. Me and mum kept talking and researching as best as we could.

Then we got a phone call because the hospital was convinced she was having issues swallowing. Turns out she had simply choked a bit on some toast crumbs because she had been talking with her mouthful *sigh*. It's a little bit worrying considering some of these nurses are supposed to be professionals. My mum was honestly on the verge of putting in a complaint, but then decided against it to instead fully focus on my grandma's wellbeing. However, it was still clear that her dementia was getting worse, and most of her bodily functions are shutting down. A few weeks later, and she finally was unable to properly swallow, so now she's restricted to meal replacement shakes, and has to have liquid forms of her medication. 

The specialists decided that my grandma needed full-time care, which my mum agreed to. Her current carer just wasn't enough anymore. It was really starting to look like that we would have no choice but to find a suitable care home for her, where she could be looked after twenty-four-seven. My grandma was that loopy by this point, that she already thought the hospital she was staying in was a care home. She was also convinced that she was living with her parents and that my granddad worked with tyres. A. They're all dead. B. My granddad was a butcher. She's completely losing her mind. It's horrific to watch happen. We still try and make a joke out of it, but it's getting harder and harder. Especially since my grandma is now barely responsive to anything. She's trapped in her own little confused world. Dementia can be so cruel. 

Me, my mum, my brother, my cousin, and my great-uncle all decided and agreed that it was for the best that she moved into a full-time care home; that she would be safer and better looked after. However, there's just one big problem: the cost. Well, it's actually not so much the cost that's the problem, it's my aunt and uncle. You see, here in the UK, if you need to be moved into a care home, if you own your own home then you need to sell it in order to pay for your care. It's an unpopular system, but one that we're stuck with for now. My grandma does own her own home, so of course, that's going to have to be sold in order to pay for her care. Buuuut, her house is where most of the inheritance will come from when she passes away. I think you can probably guess where this is going. 

Cue the rows. My aunt and uncle are now digging their heals in over this issue because they're money-hungry bastards. They want my grandma to stay in hospital indefinitely. But that's just not going to be possible. It's unfair to my grandma and unfair to the hospital that obviously need those resources for other patients. At least in a home she'll have stimuli to keep her occupied, and it'll be more comfortable. But they're not thinking about that. All they're thinking about is the money. So now, they're trying to contest this decision and drag things out as much as possible. Also, bear in mind that my aunt and uncle have had nothing to do with my grandma for over ten years at this point. They never visit, they hardly ever call, and they have done NOTHING to help since my grandma's health started to fail. Me, my mum, and my cousin just burst into tears together at one point because we weren't sure how much more we can take. My cousin and her wife have just had a little baby, so they're already super stressed. Not to mention, my aunt mocked my cousin (her own daughter) for needing a caesarean section to save her life and her baby's life. Yeah. Naturally, she hasn't spoken to her mother since. All I can say to my cousin's new wife is "welcome to the family! Where your mother-in-law will bully her own daughter for valuing her own life." I really f***ing hate my family. It's embarrassing writing this, but I really need to get it all out of my system. Plus, if you have similar issues with your family, you're not alone, believe me. 

We have no clue what my other cousin thinks. In fact, we doubt she even knows just how sick our grandma is since her mother (my aunt) has isolated her from the rest of the family. I certainly have no way of contacting her. So for now, we're stuck in limbo. My grandma is stuck in hospital for the time being, and the toxicity that is my family is about to burst like some sort of rancid boil. I'm pretty sure my grandma is not going to last another full year, so I'm trying to brace myself. Is it bad that a big part of me just wants it over with for her? At least then she won't be suffering anymore. I mean, she can't do anything for herself anymore and she has no idea where she is most of the time. She's in so much pain because of her foot, and it's only going to get worse for her. As morbid as it sounds, it also worries me that I'm seeing a glimpse into my own future. I know I'm practically doomed when it comes to dementia since it runs on both sides of my family. I'm even starting to dream that I have it myself. 

On the plus side, Jowy has literally been my rock through all of this. He's even turned my aunt into a meme in order to cheer me up. Basically, one night, when we told her that we'd had to call an ambulance for my grandma, my aunt replied, "on what grounds?!" all snobby-like. So now every time I say I'm going to do something, Jowy will jokingly pull that one out on me. My brother has now also joined in on it and took a picture of my aunt and placed that text underneath. I'd post it here, but doxing and all that jazz. Also, I wouldn't want to inflict her face on anyone. She's a prime example of the long-term effects of smoking and alcoholism. 

It was also Jowy's birthday last week (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOWY!), so that gave me something positive to celebrate and focus on. He showed me the Chrono Trigger musical which was... interesting to say the least. I know I definitely loved the 'bobonga' song. Skull smash! Lately we've also been binge watching a lot of stuff together in general. Since season two of Tiger & Bunny should be available soon, we re-watched the first season together. Hands-down, it will always be one of my favourite animes of all time! I relate to Kotetsu on such a personal level; always trying our best but somehow always screwing up. He will always be my favourite anime character. I just want to cuddle him so bad! We also finally watched the second Sonic the Hedgehog movie together. We both died laughing during that one. It's definitely better than the first movie which was already downright near perfect. My only criticism of the second movie is that they had the prime opportunity many times to reference the classic drowning music, but they never took it. Come on guys, it was right there! 

We're also planning on finally binge watching season four of Miraculous, now that we can thankfully watch the episodes in the correct order. Speaking of which, I've now had to block anything Miraculous related on my Tumblr and on Twitter thanks to that stupid leak that happened. Seriously, who does that?! I hope whatever reason they did it for was worth it. Because all they did was ruin things for fans of the show. Luckily, I managed to avoid it, but Jowy wasn't so lucky. He saw a few important spoilers, but I don't think he saw the whole thing. He was the one that managed to save me from seeing anything, so I thank you for your unfortunately sacrifice, Jowy. I feel so sorry for Astruc and the other show creators. Stuff is always being ruined in that fandom, whether it's by Zag or the toxic fanbase. I miss the days when Miraculous had first been released and the fandom was wholesome. Now it's become a cesspit. No offense to the actual decent fans of course. I'm sure you all know exactly what I'm talking about. 

To make my life even more awesome, Jowy also treated me to a few more Sims 4 expansion packs since they had another sale on. So I've got lots of new cool stuff to play with in-game. I'm definitely getting better at my landscape designing, and although I've improved my general building skills, I still need a lot more practice. It's mainly roofs. They can piss off. I watch speed-builds by YouTubers and they're talent makes me sick. Why can't I be more like you?! I have no idea how they come up with such amazing designs. My buildings always end up looking slightly weird. But at least now I can go ghost hunting. There's just a few more I'm hoping to get to unlock some more necessary things. So yeah, thank you so much Jowy for fuelling my addiction. I'm literally like a dog with a treat. I'm hoping to get back to my Alucard and Seras saga on that game very soon. I'm just trying to get some more building practice in first. 

Oh yeah, and Jowy also got me back into Stardew Valley. I mean, it's always been one of my favourite games, but I always have to be in the mood to play something. I go through phases. For a few months I'll be addicted to one game, then it'll be another, the another, and then it'll come around in full circle. I've kinda had the urge to play Stardew Valley for a few days, but Jowy ended up whispering in my ear like the little devil he is, and I ended up caving. Now I'm addicted to that game again. I decided to start up a new farm since it had been a long while since I last played (thanks to my previous laptop conking out). There have been so many updates since I last played. I had a hard time remember the controls at first haha. Nearly ended up destroying my first round of turnips. But I got back into the swing of things. 

This game seriously always makes me want to run away and start up my own farm. I have to remind myself that I'm not cut out for that kind of lifestyle. There is no way I could get up at the crack of dawn everyday and be responsible for so many different things. I can barely look after myself. Plus, you'd never get me down those mines. I'd be curled up in a corner before getting eaten by slime. Of course, in this playthrough, I'm gonna marry Sebastian like I always do. He's just my type, okay? He gets me. I get him. We're both super introverted. Plus, he reminds me of Jowy. Same behaviour and everything. In real life, you'd just never get me on the back of that motorcycle though. I don't think I've ever actually married anyone else in the game. It's always been Sebastian hehe. I think at one point, I did try to deviate and get with Elliot, but that man is so damn hard to please. Have you seen his 'love items?' Talk about rare and expensive taste. At least with Sebastian, I can just throw a quartz at him and he'll like me. Even better when you finally get deep enough in the mine to get frozen yeti tears. 

I'm also relieved that the developer didn't fix that Abigail glitch. The fact that she eats rocks has become such a classic meme that I think there would be actual riots if he fixed it. That was one of the first things I checked when I got back into the game a few days ago. Right now I'm still in my first year, but things are going quite well. It's just such a great game. 10/10. If you haven't played it already, I definitely recommend trying it out. It's so addictive. 

Writing wise, I finally managed to write and upload another chapter of Go and Conquer. I'm also currently half way through writing the next chapter of Reflection, which I'm hoping will be uploaded by either Tuesday or Thursday at the latest. By next week, I'm also hoping to have uploaded the next chapter of Double Trouble as well. I really am hoping to force myself to focus on writing more. Especially now that I'm working less hours thanks to the arrival of the new manager. I'm no longer constantly babysitting the place, which suits me fine. I feel like I've even been getting rusty with my writing skills, but no one has pointed anything out, so I'm hoping that it's just in my imagination. 

In other writing news, it looks like Amicus might be getting a Spanish translation that will be available on both FanFiction and on AO3. I think it might also be getting a French translation at some point as well. It all depends on if the translators manage to finish things and post them up. But don't worry, I'll be sure to provide links for you guys as soon as they're released. My Spanish, French and German are nowhere near good enough for me to do it myself. A prime example being when I was trying to have a conversation in German with my brother's Austrian girlfriend, I ended up saying 'good naked' instead of 'goodnight.' Yeah, that was a pretty embarrassing moment. She gave me such a weird look when she first heard me say it haha. But luckily, she saw the funny side and steered me in the right direction. But apparently, she was very impressed with my accent which shocked me. I thought she wouldn't be able to understand me at all, but it turns out, I'm pretty good. I definitely sound better than a French person trying to speak German according to her haha. 

Oh yeah, I also edited my blog again in an attempt to make it more easier to read and navigate. Sorry if I keep confusing you guys every time you come onto here hehe. Hopefully it will be staying like this and that I don't find any new glitches that I have to fix. I'm not the best when it comes to technology, okay? I'll leave all of the fancy tricks to LycoRogue who actually bothers to mess with HTML. It's all just random words and symbols to me. 

Anyways, I think I've ranted on for long enough. Thank you to all of those who have expressed concern for me, I'm just really sorry that I had some of you worried. I cope, just like I always have to. I'm not going to do anything stupid, I promise. Though I'm not sure what made some of you guys think that I would. Is it just hearing about what I'm going through? Or did I make a stupid joke that got taken the wrong way? I'm guessing it's probably the latter. Me and my big mouth. Nine times out of ten, I'm just being sarcastic and melodramatic because those are my coping mechanisms. Kinda almost like I'm pretending I'm on some sort of sit-com. That, or my anxiety is making everything look and feel a thousand times worse than it actually is. So yeah, never take me too seriously. I'm just sorry if my behaviour has scared some of you. I really didn't mean to. 

Take care of yourselves out there guys. And remember that a woman has a right to choose. No ifs and buts about it. 

Pixie's Monthly Story Recommendation:

All at Once by Oxford Not Brogues | Hellsing & Kuroshitsuji | Alucard/Seras/Sebastian - Rewrite of Alone Together. After twenty-six years of ignoring Seras' existence, Alucard and Sebastian are forced by Sir Integra to interact with the Draculina. Feeling like a complete and utter idiot, Seras decides to give them a second chance. However, she won't stand for any more disappointments. If her mentors fail her again, she is done with them forever.

Reviews of the Month:

"This was pretty EFFED up, but it looks(hopefully) like Seras may finally start to do something for herself! Why are you so good at writing angst!? I wanna see her get out of this, and stop being so vulnerable! Cmon Seras! You can do it! Where the F are you, Alucard/you vampiric asshole!

I hope you can use writing as a form of stress-relief/therapy, as I have known of people who do that.

Oh dear, I'm so sad to hear about your struggles! Do not give in, Pixie! It's NEVER worth it to just give up to stress and such!

Oh yes, I remember that book! IT WAS HAUNTING!"

- pup, Go and Conquer

"They called him Jeeves I love this story

But they also hit Flora I’m about to throw hands with two fictional men

Don’t worry, this was an incredible chapter! Once again, the way you write creepy bassy is just *chefs kiss*. Immaculate stuff. I can’t even put into words how enraptured I am with every single interaction between Sebastian and Flora. I’m enjoying you “holding back” in terms of what Flora knows about Sebastian and ciel. It makes for a more interesting dynamic to keep her guessing about all the bizarre things going on. It’s also a nice change of pace from other fics where the oc finds out about Sebastian being a demon, the contract, the killer servants etc. right away. It also keeps us on the edge of our seat for other things too, like Flora speaking to Sebastian, finding out he’s a demon, seeing if she’ll warm up to him completely etc. Idk, holding back and making things more gradual builds anticipation and keeps me more invested. But maybe that’s just me. All these little mysteries you’ve got going on are just so good. I’m itching to know the truth but I’m also soooo ok with just being taken along on the journey.

Btw, I was rereading some of the earlier chapters and a specific line literally had my heart in a chokehold. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I’m fine with that :D It’s the scene where Floras hiding under the table and Sebastian’s trying to coax her out. Knowing what we do about soulmates. He says “Won't you please join me? It's really rather lonely out here on my own." And I just…the double meaning. Phew, you’re good. So good."

- LeBatman, Reflection

"Ha! I’m definitely binge reading this fic!!! Thank you so much for all your efforts in creating and sharing this. I’m upset that you had to deal with any toxicity in the past. Hopefully the positive comments can help you to realize that the people making those comments are not worth listening to. You are an incredibly talented writer and I very much appreciate you sharing your well written and in depth characters with us! Thank you!!"

- Longolsen, Madness Within

"My nips went from outies to innies when I read that scene. Good Gawd... (ᗒ﹏ᗕ)

While it's always nice to see you've updated, remember we're here because we love your story. The breaks in between only build up the suspense and anticipation. I hope your work situation becomes better, and I'll keep you and your grandma in my thoughts. Mental health struggles are truly terrible, and I wish you the best. 💜"

- Halex, Go and Conquer

"Awesome chapter! No kidding.

Feelings of loneliness (well, that is, that she is alone now) and Seras's powerlessness are well described. It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that Alucard left her so easily, in a deep dark void ... I hope Eve survives, for I was wary of the words of the insane countess.

By the way, about her. You should have heard my cry of joy when you recognized her only by one familiar name. Carmilla! MY FAVORITE STORY! 😍 I really like her madness at the loss of her angel, Laura, and the Countess's obsessive desire to get her back.

P.S. I hope everything goes well with your grandmother and you. As for chapter update, write and release chapters however you feel comfortable. I will always support you in my thoughts. So I, as a reader, will wait for the stories to continue for as long as it takes.

I wish you have a good day. 😉"

- Sailor28, Go and Conquer