Pixie's Chronicle: Loss

Well hello and good day to you all! I'm back for a personal update. Work, work, work. There. Done. Lol. It's so annoying being the most flexible member of staff sometimes, because that means that they automatically rely on you for everything. It's been a hardcore version of that for the past few months, and this month has been no better. Of course, that's left me with little time or energy to get some proper writing done. If I'm being honest, everything has been one huge blur, so I'm sorry if this entry is a little all over the place. I feel like I need to move into the middle of nowhere just to fully re-charge at this point. 

Anyway, I suppose I'll get the saddest news out of the way first: one of my gerbils, Venus, died. It was so sudden and out of the blue, and it was a huge knock-back for me. She'd been perfectly fine the day before. But then again, I know most animals are good at hiding any pain or discomfort due to not wanting to be viewed as weak. But one day, she was just sat in her sand-bath, and I didn't think too much of it first as she just looked sleepy, but alarm bells started ringing when she didn't come to snatch her breakfast off me. She's done that all of her life and never once missed a day. Even when asleep, she'll wake up and always snatch her food off me. So this was definitely very out of character. My other gerbil, Ceres, seemed fine, so I knew there had to be something affecting Venus in particular. 

I asked my mum to keep an eye on her for me while I went to work. I hated leaving her, and I was constantly calling and texting for updates. But there wasn't any change. In the end, I attempted to ring the vet for advice, and at first, I just kept getting past around from pillar to post. Eventually, one vet recommended that it would be best to get her looked at, and I managed to get her an emergency appointment for that very same night. At this point, she was starting to seem a little more on the lively side, but she still hadn't eaten anything. I'd managed to get her to drink some water at least. But every now and then, she would just come to a stop and start panting. 

The vet took her in and they were gone for a quite a while. It didn't help that I was in the same vet where my dog had died literally just the year before. It was awful and brought back some very bad memories. Finally, the vet came back out and she said that she wasn't one hundred percent sure what was wrong with her as they didn't have much experience with gerbils, but from her examination, Venus' belly felt swollen and distended. She said it could range from anything from a tumour to just a simple build-up of gas. In hindsight, I hadn't seen her poop in a while. So the vet gave her a shot of some painkillers, some antibiotics, and a gut stimulant in the hopes of removing any potential blockages. It cost me over £100, and I nearly fell through the floor when I was given the bill. But I really didn't want her suffering. 

I had been due to meet up with an old friend the next day to see her new house, and I was going to cancel due to my worries, but Jowy suggested maybe meeting halfway so that I could rush home in case something else happened. My friend was okay with this and was just as worried as I was, being an animal lover herself. She had actually wanted to be a vet for most of her life, but when she fainted after a work experience placement, she realised it probably wasn't the path for her. Turns out most medical stuff makes her faint, so now she just works as a scientist in a lab because she's just that cool. 

Venus hadn't seemed to have changed on that particular day and was still in her stop-start cycles she had been in since getting sick. Once again, my mum agreed to keep an eye on her and to ring me immediately if there were any changes. So after an hour of battling to get Venus to take her medicine, I met up with my friend for the first time since the pandemic started. We've literally been as close as sisters since we were 11, and we've actually never had a fight with each other. Sure, we've disagreed on stuff, but we've never fallen out or had rows. Not once in - damn - nearly 13 years now. Even through our bitchy-girl-teenage-years phase, we've never had a fight. So it was really nice catching up with her again. I went to a café for the first time since the pandemic started, and it was really nice to just sit and chill with a friend in the flesh. I ate the most delicious piece of parkin, and thinking back on it makes my mouth water so much. Of course, my friend had to have a cute fancy teapot because she is literally Iroh from Avatar: The Last Airbender. Shower her with tea and she's happy lol. 

But because she's also a middle-class dork, we ended up going on a hunt for a cheese knife for her. Turns out literally no where was selling them, which was hilarious. I've never seen someone so determined to buy a cheese knife, and it really helped cheer me up. I ended up treating myself to a few things while we were out, including some new markers which I've been desperately trying to get hold of for months. Now I can add colour to some of my sketches. Me going into a craft section is always dangerous as I could quite happily buy everything there. Plus my friend wanted to try and get into watercolour painting and wanted my advice on that. Must resist temptation to buy more paints and paintbrushes! 

While we were out, I also visited the pet store to ask for some advice. I knew that I had to accept the fact that there was a strong possibility that Venus might not survive, so I was worried about how Ceres would cope should such a thing happen. If they were both older, I wouldn't have been as worried, but since they're not even 2 years-old yet, I wanted to know what my options were. Gerbils are very social creatures and often prefer to live in pairs. If Venus died, then Ceres would be living on her own for another potential few years since she's still pretty young; gerbils usually have a 4 year life expectancy. I was worried about how she was going to cope, and wondered about whether or not trying to socialise her into a new gerbil group would work out. I knew if I went with that option, it would be a slow and probably near impossible process since it's a 50/50 chance whether they'll take to each other or not. 

I spoke to one of the workers who I was fairly familiar with and had given me some decent advice in the past, so I knew that I could trust her. She raises gerbils herself, so that was extra helpful. She explained that there was probably nothing I could do as the most likely outcome would be that Ceres wouldn't take to new gerbils, even if the process was done properly, and vice versa. The best thing that I could do was just to keep Ceres entertained and provide plenty of environmental stimulation, which I usually do anyway. We even joked that Venus might be pregnant since gendering gerbils was always so difficult - even the vet wondered if Venus might actually be a boy. But no, I'm pretty sure they're both girls. I've had boys before, and I can see the difference. Males tend to be a lot more relaxed and playful, and are larger than females. Females tend to be a bit grumpier and less playful towards humans. My male gerbils were always happy to climb all over me and just sit on my head or shoulder to enjoy a ride, but Venus and Ceres always look at me like, 'what the f**k are you doing?' when I try to show them any sort of affection or play with them. What I'm saying is, a glance between the legs usually isn't enough to tell lol. Plus, if I had a boy and a girl, I think I would have been drowning in gerbil babies a long time ago. 

Of course, that night, the unthinkable happened. Venus all of a sudden just collapsed and wouldn't get back up again. Ceres didn't seem to care, she was already burying her sister before she was even dead, so I had to dig her back out and ended up just fully taking her out of the cage and holding her. I really wanted to provide her with as much love and comfort as I possibly could since this was obviously the end for her. I wrapped her up in a tea towel to keep her nice and warm and gave her so many cuddles. As daft as it sounds, I even sang to her in the hopes that hearing my voice might help her. She seemed to know herself that her time was up as at one point, she grasped my finger in her tiny hand and gave it a squeeze as if she was clinging on me or reassuring me. I know that sounds stupid, and was probably just a nerve reaction, but I like to think of it that way. Then she suddenly stopped breathing, and her heart slowly gave out a few moments later.   

It was awful, and I was a wreck for hours. I know that might sound silly, but I get really attached to pets, no matter the species. And then watching Ceres just wondering about on her own was even more heart-breaking, because you can't explain to an animal what's happened. All she'll know is that her sister just disappeared one day. But luckily, she seems to be doing okay on her own so far. Ceres was always the more independent of the two. She's still being her usual self and isn't showing any signs of stress. So that's some good news at least. 

Rest in peace, little Venus. I'll even miss you biting my fingers.

Of course I had work to keep me distracted. We're still short staffed. Not to mention one of my colleagues had to self-isolate again due to her daughter testing positive for COVID. We were literally down to just three members of staff to run the whole place. More six day work weeks for me, ugh. And even then, people were STILL begging me to cover. It's driving me mental. The only consolidation is the pay check at the end of it all. But even then, I don't get paid extra for the extra responsibility of being in charge. Cheapskates. Honestly I've just been half asleep at work most of the time. I only wake up when I realise that customers are stupidly trying to poison themselves by taking 10,000IU of vitamin D a day when they don't need it. To put that in perspective, the average person in the UK only needs 400IU of vitamin D a day between the months of October and April, though you might need 1000IU if your skin is darker. These morons were literally overloading their liver because it's 'what the internet told them to do.' It took me forever to convince one guy he was taking way too much. I mean, this one small website on the internet was obviously correct rather than me, a TRAINED PROFESSIONAL. *facepalm* I dunno why I even bothered with these qualifications. Nobody ever listens. 

I'll quit ranting about work now, otherwise I'll be here all day. Instead I'll rant about my chemist constantly messing up my prescriptions. You know you've done goofed when someone with social anxiety disorder actually comes out of their shell to go into full-on Karen-mode. Okay, that's probably a huge exaggeration. I didn't raise my voice and remained polite, but I did chew them out over constantly screwing up my anti-depressants, which I need to function normally. Otherwise, I'd never get out of bed. When I order them, they either lose me in the system, can't find my tablets when I arrive to pick them up, or they just didn't receive my order at all, even though I had the email to prove I had done so. The previous time, I was supposed to have a review with my GP over them, but they just didn't think to tell me. So when I ordered them last time, they just ignored it, knowing it had to be approved by a doctor. They just didn't tell me. 

I then got sent to the receptionist of my GP, to which she explained that they had been trying to contact me about it. I told her I never received anything. No texts, calls, emails, nada. But finally, she did manage to properly order them in for me. I had my review a few days later, and decided to order some more other medication that I'm on while I was there. However, when I went to pick it up, I found out that the doctor had forgotten to put my prescription through. I give up. I would try and register with a new GP, but the only reason I stay with this one is because the nurses there are incredibly nice and helpful, and you're pretty much guaranteed a same-day appointment, whereas in most other places, you have to wait up to two weeks to get one. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

In lighter news, I did finally manage to see my friend's new house. It was super awesome, and I wish that I could afford a place like that. I finally met her boyfriend as well, even though they've been together for years at this point. After all the stress I've been under, it was nice to properly hang out with my friend and just relax for once. We ended up playing some Mariokart, exchanged the presents that we'd gotten each other for previous Christmases and birthdays, played Truth Bombs, and ordered Chinese take-out while watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. It made us laugh how I had gotten her normal adult presents such as tea pots, bath bombs and stuff, while she, knowing me so well, had gotten me bubbles, shiny tarot cards, and a wax seal maker for letters. Unfortunately, I have no clue when I'll ever get to use the wax seal kit since I never have to send letters. Hey, if anyone wants a letter off me, let me know! 

The tarot cards gave us a good laugh, especially since the very first card that I got was the devil. Because of course. Roasting each other in Truth Bombs was also really fun. Literally all of my answers for her were about 'the crystal shop incident.' *shudders*. I will never let her live that down. Some of her answers for me were pretty real as well. Most of them were frog related, since my obsession for the amphibians is notorious among everyone I know. I'm just sad that I had work the next day so I couldn't stay as long as I would have liked. But it's always nice to see my bestie, even if it is just for a short time. 

One of the main highlights of November was, of course, the new Animal Crossing: New Horizons update! Oh my god, I was so excited when I first saw the trailer! How could I not be? So many cool new features! I spent a lot of time preparing my island for it. I think the glowing moss is one of my most favourite new features; it's so pretty! It makes my enchanted forest area that I built look even more, well, enchanted lol. Jowy also decided to re-start his island since his was beyond saving from Persephone's wrath. Not before I stole some of his hybrid flowers though. Flower breeding can be such a pain, so can you really blame me for getting lazy? There are still some breeds that I need, some easier than others, but I haven't really had time to focus on getting them. I've been too preoccupied with all of the other new features. Since Jowy is the best boyfriend ever, he bought me the DLC! I have never been so addicted to something in all my life. Whoever came up with that DLC idea deserves a pay rise! I looooovvveee designing all of the little vacation homes and buildings. Though some requests from villagers can be... questionable. I can't remember who it was, but one villager just wanted a house filled with toilets. Why not... I guess? At least he's always covered in case of a bathroom emergency? 

Onto the topic of writing, I did manage to update at least one of my stories between now and my last blog entry. I finally updated Reflection, so if you want to read the latest chapter, you can do so by clicking here. I had hoped to have more updates done by now, but y'know, stupid overtime and all that. I even came up with ANOTHER Black Butler story idea *sigh*. The muses sure know when to pick their moments. Not to mention my brain has been begging me to work on Castles In The Air, but real life hasn't given me the chance. I need to finish Amicus first before I can properly start on that! And the next chapter is currently giving me a little bit of writer's block. 

Luckily, I just need to get through this week, and then I've booked a week's vacation from work, so I should finally be able to get some writing done then. My aim is to update Go and Conquer, Double Trouble, Amicus, and Reflection. It might be a bit too ambitious, but hey, as long as I get a good chunk of the next chapters out, I'll be happy. I don't exactly plan on going anywhere. But mainly, I'll just also be grateful for the much needed rest. Sweet sleep. I've forgotten what a full healthy eight hours of sleep feels like. Hopefully without the panic and anxiety attacks. 

Plans for Madness Unleashed are still up in the air. I still haven't heard anything from keysmashcharlie, and it just occurred to me a few weeks ago that it might be best for me not to publish the story until I've fully caught up on season 4. I realised this when an anonymous commenter accidentally spoilt part of season 4 for me on one of my Miraculous fan theories. The last thing I want is the show being spoilt even more for me when I publish it. So yeah, unfortunately, I'm still waiting until I have a chance to watch the English dub episodes properly in order. I got sick of episodes being aired out of order and ruining the story. I'd be fine watching the episodes in French, but Jowy hates subtitles lol. It would be a good way for me to practice my French as well, since I'm terrible at listening to the language. No offense to French people, but your language to me sounds like drunk gibberish. I have a much easier time with Spanish and German. In fact, I even managed to translate a German song my friend was listening to, and then, just to wind her up, her boyfriend and I started having conversations in German. My terrible, terrible German lol. Meine deusch ist nicht gut. See? That was probably grammatically incorrect. Out of all the languages I'm learning, Spanish is hands down the easiest.  

Anyway, yeah, I still have no idea when I'll be publishing Madness Unleashed. I really appreciate your patience, especially since it's now been over a year since I finished the first story. LycoRogue, I can hear your jokes about One and the Same from here. But at least it'll distract you from your tea harassment. I don't think it helps that I just haven't had the drive to write for the Miraculous fandom ever since what I now dub as the 'attack Pixie' incident of 2020. An exaggeration, but still, to be inundated with emails and comments bullying me to update and end the story how they wanted it to end was exhausting to go through. I'm just glad that the harassment stopped. For now, anyway. It makes me extra nervous to post the sequel. I hate being bossed around and disrespected by my readers. It makes me less enthusiastic to write and post chapters. I appreciated all of the constructive criticism, though, and I have taken it all on board for the sequel. I do sometimes look back at Madness Within and cringe at the way parts of it were written. But hey, you live and learn. 

So yeah, that's pretty much been what's going on for the past month. Once again, I'm hoping that things will calm down at work, but I'm not holding my breath. I really appreciate all of your patience and kind comments on my work! Hopefully next week brings you plenty of story updates. Take care of yourselves out there, and I'll see you all again very soon!

Reviews of the Month:

"Congratulations on finishing! I felt the ending for hawkmoth and Nina was fitting and enjoyed the last chapter. Wouldn't of minded seeing the epilogue go a bit further into the future but still enjoyed it."

- Rooster0972, Destiny's Dance

"I just found this story and binged it as fast as I could, it’s amazing and the development in every level is powerful. I absolutely adore this and Km so excited for part two!

And I also wanted give you a freaking trophy for calling out the impatient haters on their shit. It’s not something I see often and do I’m so proud of for doing that. I’m freaking celebrating you and cheering you on in my little corner of the world. Hell yes, you rock, you amazing, powerful person, you!

And I’m so sorry you felt the need to do so and to justify it with information on your personal life. I hope they’ve calmed down but I’m so sorry you felt pressured to share all the things you’re going through. You have my 100000% support forever and always. I sincerely wish you and your family well.

Thank you for gracing us with your writing."

- Roxypockets1, Madness Within

"This story...so intense...a psychological thriller, my friend! You have me hooked!

They're all borderline insane!"

- Running Bug, Madness Within

"I love this so much! Not only does the research make this so much better, but the mc is amazing, I’ve read so many stories where I’ve just wanted to put the mc’s head through a wall. Not only that, but protective Sebastian, possibly nesting Sebastian bc my man is a ✨burd. Pls update soon bc I will absolutely cry if this is one of those stories where the writer loses passion for it. I gotta know what happens! Ly"

- amypop122, Reflection

"Man i just recently found this story and I couldn’t stop reading it !! It now 5:30 in the morning and I blame you, because this is an amazing story !! I loved every second of it and I can’t wait till alucard meets his daughters !!

Hopefully I will read you soon !!

Take care and good luck

P.S. Will Alucard and Sera have more children ? Like a son ? Will this children come to the past too? That would drive Sir Integra absolutely mad hahahaha"

- Mayunemu96, Double Trouble

"So I grew curious about your works after the lengthy comment you gave me and I might I just say..

I love the lore you’ve depicted here. The reason why angels and demons are who they are—ah! It’s so perfect and very well written, and honestly a great reason as to WHY a demon would fall in love with a human. You’re so creative, I highly suggest you continue your pursuance of writing this story. I can only imagine what other ideas you could concoct."

- littlecorbin, Reflection

"I wasn't alerted when you updated! But I'm glad I decided to check here. I really like the implication that Sebastian brutally tortured Mary - without actually showing him doing it. I just thought the panning of the bruises on her neck to Sebastian's innocent white gloved hand just hanging there was really cool! Plus how she got terrified when Sebastian so much as stood in her direction. It spoke volumes and was just nicely done!

I'm surprised Flora didn't react more strongly towards Sebastian for doing that to her long-time friend, but I guess the fact she tried to kill her would have had Flora slightly bitter... eh, it shows what type of person she is. But I think I would still feel bad for her if I was in Flora's position. As always, I appreciate the historical references too."

- A. S. Oswald, Reflection