If you've already seen my Twitter meltdown, you probably already have a rough idea of what the majority of this blog entry is going to be about. This week has almost been like a huge wake-up call to me. And please know that when I talk about these issues I've been experience, I'm not talking about all of you, so please don't think that. I'm talking about a small majority that keep ruining things for me and making me feel miserable. It's been driving me crazy for the longest time, but it really came to a head this week when I posted the final chapter of Madness Within.
So yeah, I haven't had a good week. My mental health has been really suffering, not helped by all of the issues that I currently have going on on FanFiction and just in the Miraculous fandom overall. I'm just not sure how much more I can cope with, so I've been having to make some very much needed tough decions due to all of this. You're probably not going to like a lot of them, but I hope that you all understand.
Basically what started all of this was the final chapter of Madness Within. It wasn't originally meant to be the final chapter, but while working on the story this week, I came to the decision that it was in the story's interest that I split it into three parts. Originally it was all one big story before I had to split it into two, and now I've decided it's best if it is split into three. To me, it was the only way that the story was going to work. To try and ensure that the story wasn't over 200 chapters long, I was having to cut things out, rush things and abandon some ideas altogether, but I didn't like that. It turned the story into something that I didn't like as much. I felt all of that stuff was so important to include in order for it to blossom into what I had envisioned.
I knew this decision would be controversial, especially given that I had given you guys no warning. The vast majority of you I knew would trust me and would be understanding of my decision... but then there's the other readers of mine...
You see, ever since my stories became more popular in the Miraculous fandom, let's just say I've received my fair share of negative comments. I don't mind people criticising my story. It hurts sometimes, I'm not going to lie, because no one particularly wants to hear anything bad said about their hard work. But at the end of the day, it was the only way that I was going to improve as a writer. People have complained about the slow pace of the story and how things tend to go around in circles, and that's fair enough. I've explained plenty of times that this is intentional in order to more accurately represent mental health issues. If it gets too much for you and takes your enjoyment out of the story, then fair enough. Just stop reading and go on with your day. Don't send me abuse over it just because MY story is not going the way YOU want it to.
I'm really starting to understand how the creators of the show must feel, and why a lot of them (Astruc in particular) get so defensive and sarcastic with fans on Twitter. Fandom entitlement is always a huge issue, especially in today's age, but my god. The Miraculous fandom are some of the most entitled, rude and generally toxic fans I have ever come across. And I'm part of the Sonic the Hedgehog fandom! So that's really saying something!
Over the years I've had my fair share of incidents where I've had to unfollow people on Tumblr, Twitter and FanFiction because of all of the negativity. They're entitled to their opinion, but it just wasn't for me, so I stayed away from them. I just wish everybody could adopt this policy when people do or say stuff that they don't agree with (as long as said difference in opinion is not hurting anyone of course). I've often questioned why a lot of people are even in the Miraculous fandom and still watch the show if it's as awful as they claim it to be. Can't we all just enjoy stuff without having to bite and tear chunks out of each other or the creators? A healthy debate is fine, but this... this is something else.
I've wrote for plenty of fandoms in my almost ten years of being a fanfiction writer, and never have I had such issues when writing for a particular fandom. The Miraculous fandom/audience is the worst by far. Even when writing for the Sonic the Hedgehog fandom, I never received this level of entitlement, bossiness and verbal abuse. I never had people who were overly impatient for updates. I had the odd person nagging me, but they always did it in a more positive way if that makes sense? It was always out of excitment rather than "hey your story is now awful because you take so long to update." It would just be a simple review of "please update." The latter I can handle.
But I digress slightly.
Due to my decision to split the story into three, there were quite a few people who were not happy about that, and boy did they make sure I knew about it... all anonymously of course. I'd like to see them try this crap with me on AO3 where I can actually reply to them, because I'm being pushed to the point where I would happily publicly tear them to shreds. What a lovely bunch of cowards they are.
So yeah, people have been bullying me over updating again. Some have said they're not prepared to read my work anymore (so they claim) because they're tired of waiting around for me to update and expect me to work harder so they can read the stupid damn fics.
Ahem. Need I remind everyone that I do this stuff FOR FREE?! FOR FREE!!!!
I AM NOT YOUR ROBOT SLAVE!
Say it with me again: I. Am. Not. Your. Robot. Slave.
Capiche?
As if I don't already feel awful enough for not being able to get as much writing done as I would like. I don't need people reminding me by being bossy and intentionally making me feel even worse about it. Because there is nothing I would love more than to be able to write regularly and pump out as many chapters as possible. But real life is a thing, and I'm only human. In that said real life, I have things going on. Hey, maybe even sometimes I do just want time to myself to play some video games, do some reading of my own or just generally chill. I work hard enough.
I was so looking forward to cracking on with writing now that work has calmed down, but now I'm not so sure, especially when it comes to the Madness Within series. It's making writing for this fandom feel more like a chore. Like I HAVE to update just so I can pacify all of the leeches. Lately, when posting chapters, I've been terrified of checking the reviews in case someone new has decided to have a go at me over something.
So I've come to a decision. I will no longer be posting any new Miraculous fanfictions. I'll finish the ones I have already got going and of course finish the Madness Within triliogy, but after that, that's it. All of my new and up and coming ideas will be scrapped because I'm too tired to deal with this anymore. I'll be putting more focus onto my other works, including my original work. If you want to follow all of that stuff, then I would be really happy and appreciative. But of course, you don't have to if it's not your thing. Hey, maybe I'll even finally try and officially publish something at some point.
However, this whole thing has made me question whether I have what it takes to be a writer. It has always been one of my main ambitions in life and my dream job is to be a writer. But what if I can't do it? Is my temper tantrum right now proof that I can't do it? What if I can't cope? What if I can't cope with all of the pressure and the demands? I see what other writers put up with and is that what I want for myself? Do I want to sacrifice my dreams for the sake of a quiet life? Honestly if I could lock myself away from other humans for the rest of my life, I would happily do that.
As for what will happen to this blog, I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll still continue to upload Pixie's Chronicles for the foreseeable future, but I have no idea about all of the other stuff. Mabe I'll finish everything else that I have in the works and just create a new blog after that for different content. I'll have to have a long and hard think about it. Right now I'm just really tired and need some rest.
On top of dealing with all of that, it's been a tough week. My mental health is in free-fall and nothing I do seems to make it better. I just feel all weird and out of sync with the world. I keep zoning out and dissociating to a point where even my boss picked up on it yesterday and caused her to be concerned about me.
My brother got into a motorcycle accident, so that gave me a huge scare. Luckily he was okay, but it still knocks you back when stuff like that happens. I'm just feeling really lost right now. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do about it. I had a check-up with a doctor today and they've now increased the dosage of my medication - again. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Swapping and changing between different medications and dosages until I manage to feel at least semi-normal for a while before the whole cycle starts again? Having doctors randomly check on me just to make sure I haven't topped myself, not being able to do anything else for me apart from that?
Maybe I really do need to start focusing more on some original projects. At least that might help me feel like I have some sort of purpose. Because right now, I just feel like I'm having an existential crisis and like I'm wasting my life. It's both physically and mentally draining. I just don't know what to do for the best.
Sorry for how ranty and depressing this blog entry has been, but I wanted to be honest with you guys. I'm tired of having to remind people in author's notes that I'm not a machine - not that people pay attention to it anyway. I said at the beginning of the year that I was going to do my best to cut a lot of the toxicity out of my life, and it looks like I'm going to have to do the same with regards to writing stories for the Miraculous fandom. Maybe I'll still post the odd one-shot for it, but no more full length stories. I'm too tired of dealing with all the horrible people, no matter how many nice people there are reading my work. I love and appreciate everything you have all done for me, but there's only so much negativity I can take. Positivity can only counter so much for me.
I really am sorry.
I know that even without the pandemic there's this whole damn ocean keeping me from glomping you, but HOLY CROW DO I WANT TO JUST HUG YOU AND CRADLE YOU AND WRAP YOU IN A 7-LAYER BLANKET BURRITO! I wish I had words to help you, but, as always, I'm here if you need, and I'll try to reach out more (I used to be the person who reached out and messaged everyone first but after years of limited responses I just got conditioned into thinking I was bugging people so I've more-or-less left contact up to others, but I know that doesn't help my friends who are in an isolation spiral like yourself so I'll try to get over my own hang-ups).
ReplyDeleteI will encourage you to still write those stories you have in the works; the new ideas and plot bunnies waiting to be matured. You by no means ever need to share them publicly, but if they're ideas you love you should still write them. If they no longer bring you joy or if you are no longer inspired then I agree it's time to just let them die. I will certainly miss your writing since I'm only semi-aware of your other fandoms. However, you seem to write a lot of AUs anyway, so maybe I'll be able to follow? I'm excited about any original works you might have in store though.
Also, are you getting the same entitled brats on AO3 or Tumblr (or Wattpad if you have an account there?) My works aren't popular enough to garner hate like yours, so I can't say if the fandom is more decent on one site vs others, but if you haven't had the same negative responses on the other sites perhaps just migrating off of FFN will help? (I'm sorry, I'm greedy and want you to keep going, but you are 100% welcome to quit if that's what you need to do. I'll support you.)
As for "should I do this professionally when I can't update regularly?" First of all, I struggle with that question ALL. THE. TIME. (add in the "if I can't think of any original content" on my end). I'm also going through that existential crisis of "what am I doing with my life? Am I useful at all?" so I feel ya, and I'm sorry I can't help you out of that pit. :( All I can say is push through it with me. We'll figure it out. I promise we will.
I would give anything to be in a 7 layer blanket burrito right now. Especially now that my dog is having health troubles again. And hey, don't worry about reaching out to me. You have your own life and everyone is going through a pretty terrible time at the moment thanks to the pandemic. You certainly don't bug me when you message, but I have the exact same paranoia when it comes to messaging people.
DeleteI really do still think that this is it for me in terms of writing full-length Miraculous fanfics. When I've been writing for other fandoms I have felt nowhere near this miserable. I may write the odd one-shot for the fandom, but that'll be it. I'm just super tired of all the trashy comments I can get sometimes of people insulting me over not updating.
I'm definitely focusing on other fandoms now and have just released a Hellsing fic, and when writing in publishing it, I finally felt the joy I used to feel when writing fanfic. My passion was back and it actually felt great to work with a smaller audience again. As much as I love getting tons of reviews, it does create extra pressure that I can't cope with right now thanks to everything that's been going on in my life.
No, I'm not getting entitled people on AO3. Probably because writers can publicly reply to comments on AO3. That and I have a smaller audience on AO3. I'll have to have a think about maybe having just some AO3 exclusive stories. Especially for the smaller projects that I originally had planned. Awww it's okay, I don't mind you making suggestions like this.
Hurray for team existential crisis! *high five* It really is a hard pit to dig yourself out of. Doctors poking and proding at me and messing with my medication really hasn't been helping me on that front. My higher dose has lulled me into a bit of a zen state at the moment, but who knows how long that's going to last.
Aww, poor doggo. :'( I hope everything turns out alright. I will make a point to reach out more though, even if it's a random meme or glomp gif or something. Just to remind you that people are rooting for you. Here's to hoping the meds are finally a cocktail that works for you and the health issues clear up (as much as they can, at least).
DeleteI will definitely miss you in the ML fandom with regards to the writing, but I did see the Hellsing story. I was excited to see that you already have a 2nd chapter up within 2 days of publishing the first one. I've been rewatching a few episodes to remind me of the story and characters since I haven't done anything with the Hellsing fandom since, like, 2012 or something. But your story is all queued up. I'm also surprised that you haven't written for shows like Hellsing or Soul Eater before. They seem very much right up your alley.
My comment was getting too long, so I had to split it up.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, to go back to the professional writer bit, that's kinda two fold (look at me being Pot again).
1 - If professional writing is your day-job, then you no longer have the stress of your day job keeping you from writing. You can set your own schedule and manage your stress more. You can do things that might be stress-relievers/coping mechanisms such as random walks outside or curling up with a good book when it's raining out or whatever. No one but you (and your publisher/editor) will dictate when something needs to be done and how you have to do it. You can pick your own sleep and work and socializing schedule as well. You work better from 1am - 7am? Fine. Work overnight, sleep through the day, and socialize/do errands in the afternoon/evening. No one is stopping you. Work better in 2hr long sprints with 4hrs of chores/socializing/whatevering in between? Good. Do it up. Need a weeklong retreat where you shut yourself away from the world? Have fun, but make sure people know you're doing that first so we don't worry. I think you get my point. Also, you don't have to worry about the stupidity or cruelty or laziness or manipulative nature of co-workers. You find a publisher and editor that are supportive of you (because it's easier for them to get their paychecks if you do well). You'll still get haters and critiques because all famous personalities do, but you'll have a support base to help you see the vast majority of people who love your work, and sometimes Haters just gotta hate.
Now for my 2nd point: You don't have to be a writer. It's hard for me to accept this too, but just because you're good at it doesn't mean you're obligated to do so professionally if you're okay with keeping it as a hobby. Just because it was your dream doesn't mean you can't change your mind upon realizing it doesn't really work for you. From the age of, like, 10, I wanted to be an investigative reporter (like Lois Lane!). I did high school internships and ran the school paper both in middle and high school. I chose a college based on the print media curriculum. After a solid year of ACTUALLY doing everything reporters will do out in the work force, I realized I hated it. It wasn't what I imagined it to be. So I changed gears and never looked back. If you're realizing that professional writing is what you imagined it to be and you hate the idea of doing it, then it's fine to re-evaluate and change your dream. You won't be letting anyone down (including your past-self; screw her) and you are again not obligated to keep pursuing something simply because you have for any length of time in the past.
These are hard pills that I'm also struggling to swallow, but I know they're true. We can chat more on FB or Tumblr (or even go back to our multiple-pages of messages on FFN) if you'd like. But I think I need to wrap this up before my comments are longer than your post. LOL.
Sending love.
Lol, it's okay.
DeleteI totally get your points here. Hahaha haters are gonna hate sometimes. Writing has just always been such a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. One of my ancestors was also a famous writer, so it almost feels like my destiny in a weird way. Not that I believe in destiny. But it just feels right, if that makes sense? I went through phases where I wanted to be other things, but my mind and heart just always came back to writing. Heck, I was even writing fanfiction before I knew what fanfiction was. Some of my earliest memories are of hopping onto my dad's computer and writing stories. Creative projects like that were something that we really bonded over sometimes.
That's pretty much my life motto: screw my past-self. Lol. Your comments have literally made me feel 100x better about the whole situation so thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me about it. You're always so wise and I look up to you and admire you so much. I'm open to chatting with you anytime. Hahaha the multiple-page chats on FFN brings back some memories.
*hugs for days*
I get where you're coming from. While I don't have any famous author ancestors (as far as I know? My family sucks at passing down any sort of ancestral knowledge), I also just know that I HAVE to write to fully be ME. It is sweet that you have that fond memory of writing stories and bonding with your dad over them. I have similar memories myself. <3 I just wish I had the chance to learn D&D from him. I think he would have really gotten a kick out of having someone to play with again, and it would have been cool to do a collaborative storytelling with him like that.
DeleteI'm glad my comments helped lift you up. You deserve a great support system, and if I can be just a small fraction of that, it's quite the honor. Now, off to wipe these totally non-existent tears out of my eyes. Q^Q
Feel better, hun! <3
You are a very talented writer, I find myself here because I'm enjoying the Madness Within series too. Actually, finding out there are more chapters on fanfiction.net was an unexpected treat (I usually only use ao3) I wish I hadn't discovered that I had 13 more chapters to read at 1 am �� lol, my fault��. But if it's costing you your health it's too high of a cost. I'm so sorry to hear that you're being treated terribly, you don't deserve that. People have a problem connecting a real person to words online, people don't act in person the way they do online, and hopefully we figure it out soon because I feel like we're seeing an epidemic of online personalities all having mental health problems. You have have a real gift for putting words to human emotions and experiences which translate into actual art. I will continue to be grateful for whatever art you chose to release into the world.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes on your health ��
Awww thank you so much! Hahaha, I had hoped for the AO3 version to hav caught up with the FFN version by now, but I am still slowly getting there. I feel ya on discovering some good reading at 1am lol. Sorry if I ruined your sleep schedule. Been there, done that. I agree that people do often forget that behind the screen is a real person. It takes away a lot of the consequences of their actions. People are often a lot meaner online than they are in real life. Okay, you're legit making me cry now, oh my god, that is literally one of the sweetest things anybody has ever said to me! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!
DeleteWishing you all the best!
People are made of dumb. I curse all those harassing you with permanently itchy noses! I really love your stories and hope you can find joy in writing them again! It gets a bit too real at times, but that's what makes them so good!
ReplyDeletePlease consider switching to A03 only. I find they have a better quality of writers and readers. Plus you can approve comments. Fan fiction is a mess. I am eagerly awaiting the sequels to madness within, and your other works! And don't worry, I'll wait forever if I have to. I hope your life gets better, sending good vibes across the water for you.