I just had to go and open my big fat mouth, didn't I? I just had to jinx myself by bragging about how great I was feeling for most of last week and how much more postive I had become yadda yadda yadda. Screw you universe! Why do you hate me so much? Why do you do this to me? Karma certainly came for me full force this week for daring to talk about how much happier I had been feeling. It seems like the universe took that as a personal challenge.
While this week certainly hasn't been all bad, it's certainly been interesting to say the least. It's been a huge whirlwind, and by now, I am feeling super emotionally and physically exhausted to a point where I almost considered putting off writing this entry until tomorrow. But I figured I already had enough stuff to do over the weekend, and plus, writing these is pretty easy since it's mostly just me spewing my thoughts out where they will remain on the internet forever. It's all fun, she cries out hysterically. I'm such a walking disaster!
Blackadder definitely had the right idea when he said he was going to move away to the himalayas where he intended to live as a goat. I think I might do just that. Because no sooner had I opened my mouth on Friday about how great I was feeling when BAM! Major depression episode. I'm not sure if it was the Madness Within chapter itself that caused it, or if this was something that had been building for a while and I just never connected the dots. Either way, it was hell. So yeah, the dark topic of last week's chapter ended up triggering me to have an anxiety attack, especially after going into detail about Marinette's emotions.
I don't really remember much of what happened, but all I know is that I was freaking out big time. The feeling just wouldn't go away, and in the end, I had to sadly abandon the idea of getting the chapter up for that day. Because there was just no way in hell I could write that chapter with the way that I was feeling. I needed to break to calm down and get it all out of my system. I hated doing it, and that just made my anxiety even worse because I felt like a failure and I felt like I was letting you guys down. Especially since I keep messing you all about by saying I'm going to update on a certain day and then don't end up doing that.
Naturally, after a huge anxiety attack like that, the depression soon follows. I just completely crashed. I was literally just lying in bed and doing nothing for most of the afternoon and evening. My therapist told me to stop doing that, but this episode just wouldn't let me even begin to desire to get better. I just wanted to wallow around in my own misery. I ended up falling asleep super early, but despite that, as well as how tired I was feeling, I didn't sleep too well. But at least I woke up feeling a lot better the next day, apart from feeling weird and like I was in a dream.
At last, I managed to get the chapter finished, which you can read by clicking here. It took me all day and I worked super hard on it. It just unfortunately seems like reviews are slow on a Sunday. Unless people are getting bored of the story? Guess I'll see what happens with the next update, which should hopefully be tomorrow, but I don't want to make any promises just in case. So yeah, overall I was working flatout on Sunday, finishing that chapter as well as my review for the episode Miraculer.
Monday I already told you guys was a none-work-day since it was my boyfriend's birthday. We had a fun time watching 'try not to laugh' videos, and of course, I lost every single time. It really doesn't take much to make me laugh. I literally have the most childish sense of humour. But some things just also seem to really tickle me for some reason. Like I remember one time a good few years ago when I was just laughing at a random sock that had been left in the middle of a room. Like...why? It's really weird how a lot of weird and random things can just set me off into fits of giggles. My boyfriend certainly likes to use that to his advantage when he wants to tease and bully me.
For some reason I literally have no memory of what happened on Tuesday. I guess it must have been a really average day, which is a first. I think I also remember being really tired that day which might also explain why I don't remember much. I may have also had stomach ache in the morning which made work hell for a few hours.
I think I may have also built a bridge between me and that colleague I complained about annoying me a few weeks ago. All I did was simply compliment her on how pretty she was and how young she looked for her age. Then she literally just scooped me up into a huge hug, and I was like, okay, guess we're friends now. To be honest, I will literally be friends with anybody though. I gel pretty well with most people, even if they made a bad first impression on me. In fact, I literally became best friend's with one of my high school bullies at one point. I'm often told that people like being around me and being friends with me because I have a very calming aura, which is ironic considering I suffer from severe anxiety. Why can't I have a calming effect on myself? It's not fair.
On Wednesday I suddenly remembered that I had accidentally forgotten to upload the review for Miraculer onto my blog. Oops. Yeah, sorry about that. I also ended up being too tired and stressed to write the next chapter of Chat Vert, especially since I was trying to prepare for a job interview that I had today. I had hoped to write and publish the chapter on Wednesday, but it got to a point where I was like 'screw it, I need some rest.' Can't really remember what I did though. Thanks to my constant anxiety attacks and depression episodes this week, my entire memory of this week has almost been wiped clean. That's always one of the weirdest side effects that people don't know about or talk about often enough. It's annoying and confusing as hell.
However, one vivid memory that I do have from this week, is the dream that I had Tuesday night going into Wednesday. I'm shuddering now just thinking about it. I had a dream where a squid had attached itself to this guy's face, and it literally joined with his body, using him as a host for food and other nutrients. The poor guy was terrified, and there was nothing that doctors could do. It was quite graphic and I woke up super freaked out. How does my brain even come up with this stuff? I really scare myself sometimes.
Thursday was a bit of a hellish day. I didn't actually feel that bad when I woke up, but when I got to work, I ended up having an anxiety attack followed by another depression episode. So I mainly tried to keep to myself today, just doing jobs on my own which in hindsight probably didn't help me at all, but I really wasn't in the mood for people...well...more so than usual. I did end up cheering up a bit as the day went on though. The sunshine and none humid weather helped. After work, I was mostly just preparing for my interview which was stressful.
Since I was so nervous, I didn't sleep very well last night. This morning, I was downright near ready to fling myself back into bed and hide under my bed covers because I just couldn't deal with everything. I think I managed to put on a pretty convincing mask though. On my way to my interview, I stopped by to see my assistant (I'm just gonna call her that since that's basically what she is) and photocopy the documents that I had needed to take with me.
Then I recieved some advice off her that would cause my morning from hell: I wasn't dressed appropriately. Ugh! She told me that in job interviews, it's best to wear a white shirt and black pants, but I had never ever recieved that memo! I was always told to just dress smart! While I was dressed smart, it apparently wasn't the right kind of smart. As stressful as it was, I'm glad she told me since I had some time to pick up some new clothes in town before the interview, not to mention it meant that I knew for next time.
So off I go, walking into town, reassuring myself that it would be easy to get hold of those items and that everything would be fine. Then I remembered that I was wearing a black bra. This meant that I would have to get a white bra too which was annoying. Yeah, I'm gonna get a bit personal in this rant, but hey, we're all human. I don't have much dignity or shame left at this point.
Luckily, my assistant said she would give me the money back for everything I bought which was a huge worry off my back since I'd already spent enough this past week as it was. Feeling relieved over that, I headed into the usual clothes store I use that isn't a charity shop, since they're stuff is still fairly cheap. I pretty quickly find what I was looking for, but decided it would definitely be a good idea to try everything on first since my body is a weird and awkward shape. The best way I can describe myself is a short thick blob. I'm like a slug with arms and legs.
I thought that I better also try the bra on just to be on the safe side, and I am so glad I did because it turns out that my size has changed. Go figure. Thank you boobs for picking the most awkward time to decide to change your shape and size. But I thought, no worries, I'll just try the other stuff on and start experimenting with bras, I should have the time. The shirt also didn't fit. It wouldn't fit around - yep, you guessed it - my chest. Oh yeah, and the pants didn't fit either.
By now, I was panicking since I had noticed that time was ticking on and I didn't want to be trying on multiple different clothes. It didn't help that I had wasted five minutes by standing half naked and freaking out over the situation. I really didn't know what to do. I finally managed to calm myself down enough to come up with a plan. I figured that I could buy some tights which would hopefully smarten my look up! I was wearing leggings (no clue why I thought that was okay to do), and figured that was the best quick solution that I could find. It would match perfectly with my black dress.
I grabbed them and paid for them without incident, but now I faced the dilhemma of changing out of my leggings and into the tights. I figured I could maybe just use the changing rooms again, but they were all full. In my town, there's no public toilets which is really annoying. But I knew that there was a posh store down the road that did have some toilets inside. I figured that was probably my best bet, and since I was dressed smartly, I hoped that I would fit in.
However, I knew that the staff in that store don't like people just randomly coming in and using their bathrooms since that's something a lot of people did. Because of that, I was worried about being told off, so I made an awkward point of pretending to look around the store first before heading towards the bathrooms. The main group of people who shop there are old ladies, so yeah, there was a line for the stalls. Luckily I didn't have to wait long though, and I thought that getting changed would be quick and easy.
Noooooo.
Trying to put tights on in hot weather is never fun. I was already hot and sweaty from running around town, so that just made things even slower. The toilet seats were also heated, which is something I really hate. I was in there a while, and people probably thought I had bad diarrhea or something. I certainly got a few weird looks when I finally finished and left anyway. At one point, I did end up panicking because it didn't look like the tights were going to fit me. Then I had the huge problem of the crotch sag. I'm sure all you ladies, non-binary, transgender, and cross-dressing men can all relate to this one. Trying to pull the crotch part up. This particular pair was super difficult to sort out and position correctly. My dress wasn't exactly long either, so that didn't help.
But I luckily got myself sorted though and made it to the interview. I walked in on the manager talking about me, and she was saying some quite nice things, so that gave me the much needed confidence boost that I needed. I felt really good about the interview, and I think that it was the best one I have ever given. I got on really well with the manager, especially when talking about our mutual love for sesame sticks (sticks made out of sesame seeds and chick-peas and is one of my all time favourite snacks). My assistant thinks that I've completely smashed it, which is awesome! I'm so glad I have her. I'd be lost without her Even if I don't get the job, I finally proved to myself that I'm capable of coming across as confident, especially in spite of the disaster that had happened moments before. So go me!
However, by the time I got home, I was super drained. I was further cheered up though by one of my comic books finally arriving. So yaaaay, I am now finally starting to collect my own copies of the W.I.T.C.H comics again after my original copies mysteriously disappeared. These books are going to be my pride and joy, and no one else is allowed to touch them hiiiiiiissssssss. Considering Disney actually has to commission personal copies, they're waaaaay less expensive than I thought they were going to be. The wait time is long, but it's worth it.
I basically ended up falling asleep this afternoon since I was so tired and drained. The nap didn't really help me feel better though, and I still feel like I've been kept awake in some CIA torture experiment. Sorry if any agents are reading this, please don't probe me!
Errrr...so yeah, that's pretty much been my week. Not much writing stuff to report on unfortunately since other priorities ended up taking over. My schedule is almost completely out of the window at this point, so keep your expectations low for consistent updates. I will try though. Hopefully Madness Within will be updated tomorrow, but if not, the new chapter will be out on Tuesday I guess, I dunno. This Sunday I'll be spending the day with my friend, so getting work done that day is going to be impossible. But fingers crossed that I can get the next Chat Vert chapter finally out this coming Monday. Oh yeah, and my review for Timetagger will be out on Monday too.
Here's hoping that I don't incur the wrath of the universe again!
While this week certainly hasn't been all bad, it's certainly been interesting to say the least. It's been a huge whirlwind, and by now, I am feeling super emotionally and physically exhausted to a point where I almost considered putting off writing this entry until tomorrow. But I figured I already had enough stuff to do over the weekend, and plus, writing these is pretty easy since it's mostly just me spewing my thoughts out where they will remain on the internet forever. It's all fun, she cries out hysterically. I'm such a walking disaster!
I don't really remember much of what happened, but all I know is that I was freaking out big time. The feeling just wouldn't go away, and in the end, I had to sadly abandon the idea of getting the chapter up for that day. Because there was just no way in hell I could write that chapter with the way that I was feeling. I needed to break to calm down and get it all out of my system. I hated doing it, and that just made my anxiety even worse because I felt like a failure and I felt like I was letting you guys down. Especially since I keep messing you all about by saying I'm going to update on a certain day and then don't end up doing that.
Naturally, after a huge anxiety attack like that, the depression soon follows. I just completely crashed. I was literally just lying in bed and doing nothing for most of the afternoon and evening. My therapist told me to stop doing that, but this episode just wouldn't let me even begin to desire to get better. I just wanted to wallow around in my own misery. I ended up falling asleep super early, but despite that, as well as how tired I was feeling, I didn't sleep too well. But at least I woke up feeling a lot better the next day, apart from feeling weird and like I was in a dream.
At last, I managed to get the chapter finished, which you can read by clicking here. It took me all day and I worked super hard on it. It just unfortunately seems like reviews are slow on a Sunday. Unless people are getting bored of the story? Guess I'll see what happens with the next update, which should hopefully be tomorrow, but I don't want to make any promises just in case. So yeah, overall I was working flatout on Sunday, finishing that chapter as well as my review for the episode Miraculer.
Monday I already told you guys was a none-work-day since it was my boyfriend's birthday. We had a fun time watching 'try not to laugh' videos, and of course, I lost every single time. It really doesn't take much to make me laugh. I literally have the most childish sense of humour. But some things just also seem to really tickle me for some reason. Like I remember one time a good few years ago when I was just laughing at a random sock that had been left in the middle of a room. Like...why? It's really weird how a lot of weird and random things can just set me off into fits of giggles. My boyfriend certainly likes to use that to his advantage when he wants to tease and bully me.
For some reason I literally have no memory of what happened on Tuesday. I guess it must have been a really average day, which is a first. I think I also remember being really tired that day which might also explain why I don't remember much. I may have also had stomach ache in the morning which made work hell for a few hours.
I think I may have also built a bridge between me and that colleague I complained about annoying me a few weeks ago. All I did was simply compliment her on how pretty she was and how young she looked for her age. Then she literally just scooped me up into a huge hug, and I was like, okay, guess we're friends now. To be honest, I will literally be friends with anybody though. I gel pretty well with most people, even if they made a bad first impression on me. In fact, I literally became best friend's with one of my high school bullies at one point. I'm often told that people like being around me and being friends with me because I have a very calming aura, which is ironic considering I suffer from severe anxiety. Why can't I have a calming effect on myself? It's not fair.
On Wednesday I suddenly remembered that I had accidentally forgotten to upload the review for Miraculer onto my blog. Oops. Yeah, sorry about that. I also ended up being too tired and stressed to write the next chapter of Chat Vert, especially since I was trying to prepare for a job interview that I had today. I had hoped to write and publish the chapter on Wednesday, but it got to a point where I was like 'screw it, I need some rest.' Can't really remember what I did though. Thanks to my constant anxiety attacks and depression episodes this week, my entire memory of this week has almost been wiped clean. That's always one of the weirdest side effects that people don't know about or talk about often enough. It's annoying and confusing as hell.
However, one vivid memory that I do have from this week, is the dream that I had Tuesday night going into Wednesday. I'm shuddering now just thinking about it. I had a dream where a squid had attached itself to this guy's face, and it literally joined with his body, using him as a host for food and other nutrients. The poor guy was terrified, and there was nothing that doctors could do. It was quite graphic and I woke up super freaked out. How does my brain even come up with this stuff? I really scare myself sometimes.
Thursday was a bit of a hellish day. I didn't actually feel that bad when I woke up, but when I got to work, I ended up having an anxiety attack followed by another depression episode. So I mainly tried to keep to myself today, just doing jobs on my own which in hindsight probably didn't help me at all, but I really wasn't in the mood for people...well...more so than usual. I did end up cheering up a bit as the day went on though. The sunshine and none humid weather helped. After work, I was mostly just preparing for my interview which was stressful.
Since I was so nervous, I didn't sleep very well last night. This morning, I was downright near ready to fling myself back into bed and hide under my bed covers because I just couldn't deal with everything. I think I managed to put on a pretty convincing mask though. On my way to my interview, I stopped by to see my assistant (I'm just gonna call her that since that's basically what she is) and photocopy the documents that I had needed to take with me.
Then I recieved some advice off her that would cause my morning from hell: I wasn't dressed appropriately. Ugh! She told me that in job interviews, it's best to wear a white shirt and black pants, but I had never ever recieved that memo! I was always told to just dress smart! While I was dressed smart, it apparently wasn't the right kind of smart. As stressful as it was, I'm glad she told me since I had some time to pick up some new clothes in town before the interview, not to mention it meant that I knew for next time.
So off I go, walking into town, reassuring myself that it would be easy to get hold of those items and that everything would be fine. Then I remembered that I was wearing a black bra. This meant that I would have to get a white bra too which was annoying. Yeah, I'm gonna get a bit personal in this rant, but hey, we're all human. I don't have much dignity or shame left at this point.
Luckily, my assistant said she would give me the money back for everything I bought which was a huge worry off my back since I'd already spent enough this past week as it was. Feeling relieved over that, I headed into the usual clothes store I use that isn't a charity shop, since they're stuff is still fairly cheap. I pretty quickly find what I was looking for, but decided it would definitely be a good idea to try everything on first since my body is a weird and awkward shape. The best way I can describe myself is a short thick blob. I'm like a slug with arms and legs.
I thought that I better also try the bra on just to be on the safe side, and I am so glad I did because it turns out that my size has changed. Go figure. Thank you boobs for picking the most awkward time to decide to change your shape and size. But I thought, no worries, I'll just try the other stuff on and start experimenting with bras, I should have the time. The shirt also didn't fit. It wouldn't fit around - yep, you guessed it - my chest. Oh yeah, and the pants didn't fit either.
By now, I was panicking since I had noticed that time was ticking on and I didn't want to be trying on multiple different clothes. It didn't help that I had wasted five minutes by standing half naked and freaking out over the situation. I really didn't know what to do. I finally managed to calm myself down enough to come up with a plan. I figured that I could buy some tights which would hopefully smarten my look up! I was wearing leggings (no clue why I thought that was okay to do), and figured that was the best quick solution that I could find. It would match perfectly with my black dress.
I grabbed them and paid for them without incident, but now I faced the dilhemma of changing out of my leggings and into the tights. I figured I could maybe just use the changing rooms again, but they were all full. In my town, there's no public toilets which is really annoying. But I knew that there was a posh store down the road that did have some toilets inside. I figured that was probably my best bet, and since I was dressed smartly, I hoped that I would fit in.
However, I knew that the staff in that store don't like people just randomly coming in and using their bathrooms since that's something a lot of people did. Because of that, I was worried about being told off, so I made an awkward point of pretending to look around the store first before heading towards the bathrooms. The main group of people who shop there are old ladies, so yeah, there was a line for the stalls. Luckily I didn't have to wait long though, and I thought that getting changed would be quick and easy.
Noooooo.
Trying to put tights on in hot weather is never fun. I was already hot and sweaty from running around town, so that just made things even slower. The toilet seats were also heated, which is something I really hate. I was in there a while, and people probably thought I had bad diarrhea or something. I certainly got a few weird looks when I finally finished and left anyway. At one point, I did end up panicking because it didn't look like the tights were going to fit me. Then I had the huge problem of the crotch sag. I'm sure all you ladies, non-binary, transgender, and cross-dressing men can all relate to this one. Trying to pull the crotch part up. This particular pair was super difficult to sort out and position correctly. My dress wasn't exactly long either, so that didn't help.
But I luckily got myself sorted though and made it to the interview. I walked in on the manager talking about me, and she was saying some quite nice things, so that gave me the much needed confidence boost that I needed. I felt really good about the interview, and I think that it was the best one I have ever given. I got on really well with the manager, especially when talking about our mutual love for sesame sticks (sticks made out of sesame seeds and chick-peas and is one of my all time favourite snacks). My assistant thinks that I've completely smashed it, which is awesome! I'm so glad I have her. I'd be lost without her Even if I don't get the job, I finally proved to myself that I'm capable of coming across as confident, especially in spite of the disaster that had happened moments before. So go me!
However, by the time I got home, I was super drained. I was further cheered up though by one of my comic books finally arriving. So yaaaay, I am now finally starting to collect my own copies of the W.I.T.C.H comics again after my original copies mysteriously disappeared. These books are going to be my pride and joy, and no one else is allowed to touch them hiiiiiiissssssss. Considering Disney actually has to commission personal copies, they're waaaaay less expensive than I thought they were going to be. The wait time is long, but it's worth it.
I basically ended up falling asleep this afternoon since I was so tired and drained. The nap didn't really help me feel better though, and I still feel like I've been kept awake in some CIA torture experiment. Sorry if any agents are reading this, please don't probe me!
Errrr...so yeah, that's pretty much been my week. Not much writing stuff to report on unfortunately since other priorities ended up taking over. My schedule is almost completely out of the window at this point, so keep your expectations low for consistent updates. I will try though. Hopefully Madness Within will be updated tomorrow, but if not, the new chapter will be out on Tuesday I guess, I dunno. This Sunday I'll be spending the day with my friend, so getting work done that day is going to be impossible. But fingers crossed that I can get the next Chat Vert chapter finally out this coming Monday. Oh yeah, and my review for Timetagger will be out on Monday too.
Here's hoping that I don't incur the wrath of the universe again!
Just be something wrong with the universe because I had a crap week filled with a rollercoaster of emotions. Alls I wanted to do all week is crawl back to bed and sleep. X.X
ReplyDeleteYay on the interview going well! Although I've never heard of swearing black and white to look smart for an interview. I normally wear whatever nicest and clean. Usually involves colors. Maybe it's a different cultural norm in the US?
Ya know, I never did finish watching w.i.t.c.h. I think I'll add it to my pile of stuff to watch... eventually lol
Hmmm, maybe it was out to get all of us then. But yeah, I certainly know how that feels.
DeleteI'd never heard of it either which was why I was so confused. I don't think it's really a cultural difference but rather the safest bet? I dunno.
Yeah, the cartoon was pretty good, I'm just hoping and praying for a re-boot that more accurately follows the comics. I have a huge pile of stuff I need to watch too, so I can totally relate to that.