The inspiration behind Madness Within is deeply complex and personal. This isn't just some random dark, gritty idea that came into my head one day. This story was the result of a lot of personal experience, things I've seen other people go through and my desire to try and portray mental health as accurately as possible in fanfiction.
Let's start with the latter. I've always been a bit of a fan of darker fanfictions. I like seeing the characters in situations that you would never see in the actual show for obvious reasons. I'd read a few stories where Chat Noir turned evil and I had always enjoyed them. A main theme for a lot of those stories did tend to be mental health. However, mental health is no easy thing to write about. I found myself growing slightly frustrated with how inaccurately it was often portrayed. Not that I'm trying to criticise anyone of course, it's their story and they can write it however they want, but it left me starved of proper representation, as I suffer from some major mental health issues (something I'll get into in a little bit). In these stories, Chat Noir and Marinette would be quickly and easily cured and that just never sat right with me. Mental illness is far from easily cured. I think in all of my time reading fanfiction, I found one story that accurately portrays mental health issues. So it got me thinking. Maybe I could create a fanfiction that would properly represent this issue - or at least try to anyway. Because who better to do this than someone who actually suffers from this stuff?
I had always wanted to write a fanfiction in which Chat Noir switches sides. The idea had been in the works for a while after reading so many stories about it, so I thought I'd try my hand at it. But this idea, and the possible idea of maybe incorporating mental health issues into the story couldn't have come at a better time.
For many years, I have been suffering from a wide variety of mental health issues. From anxiety disorders, depression and post traumatic stress disorder, it's been a living hell. Three years ago, I had a complete and total mental breakdown. Not to mention, during this time, I had a friend who had her own death faked which was something that was particularly hard to swallow. Those were dark times, and it's safe to say that I feel nowhere near as ill as I did back then. But each day is still a constant struggle. Even in sleep I can't catch a break as I'm often haunted by nightmares. 2018 is a year that hasn't been particularly kind to me. So my mental health almost hit rock bottom again. I needed an outlet.
I knew I wouldn't be able to find the time to go back and have therapy. Not to mention, mental health funding has been cut so much where I live that there would probably be no point in going back for professional help; they probably wouldn't be able to do much for me. Medication is a definite no no. Expensive as hell and it often made me feel worse rather than better.
But that's when I noticed something. When I was writing my other fanfiction, Destiny's Dance, particularly during dark or emotional chapters, I almost felt...better? Like I was getting everything out of my system. It wasn't a cure, but it was certainly a helpful treatment. I was getting my dark thoughts out of my brain, releasing them from festering in my mind to a point where it almost felt cleansing. However, Destiny's Dance, wasn't always dark and gritty. So it made me wonder if I wrote a darker fanfiction in which Chat Noir and Marinette had been through some sort of trauma, would that provide an outlet for me and help me feel slightly better?
Anything was worth a shot at that point. I had completely exhausted all of my other options.
So I really began throwing myself into planning everything. I would sit at the back of class during my lectures or seminars, and instead of making notes on what life was like in King Henry VIII's court or the question of which country started World War One, I was making notes on this story.
I decided to use my own personal experiences as inspiration. I incorporated the experience of believing that somebody I cared about was dead, though I can't go into too much detail on that as it will spoil the rest of the story, so I'll leave that there for now. But that personal experience of mine was something I desperately needed an outlet for.
I also wondered how Ladybug and Chat Noir would react to such horrifying ordeals. I wondered how Chat Noir would react to believing that he was responsible for Ladybug's demise? How would Ladybug cope with losing to Hawkmoth, believing that she had failed Paris? I imagined that those mental burdens would be hard for them to bear. I've never really seen anyone look into the possible psychological damage that might come with being a superhero. Because after all, they must see some horrible stuff sometimes, not to mention all that pressure of keeping people safe as well as maintaining their secret identity, balancing both of their lives as a hero and civilian. Surely it must all take its toll at some point?
And that was it. I had my story.
Then one day, I was feeling pretty depressed. So as usual, I locked myself in my room away from the rest of the world and just sat in the middle of my bed, staring into space and hoping that it would all just go away. But then I did something different. I turned towards my laptop and began to type out the first chapter. In my state, it all flowed out so naturally. Within a few hours, the chapter was done.
I hesitated quite a bit over publishing the story. I wasn't quite sure how people would take to such a dark fanfiction. I was worried that it would be too much. But I bit my lip and hit that publish button. For the next few hours I was super nervous. I was terrified of the first reviews that might come in. But then literally at the stroke of midnight, they all suddenly came flooding in. I was in shock over what I was seeing. People actually...liked it? To say I was surprised would be an understatement, but I was so happy at the same time. It inspired me to keep writing this idea and it really helped me with my depression issues at the time.
But then the problems began.
To be honest, I had been expecting this. I just didn't expect it to take as long as it did. Obviously, writing a story that has a theme of mental health was going to attract some controversy and some criticism. But please don't misinterpret me here. I am all for constructive criticism. I really appreciate people taking the time to try and help me improve my writing.
But this was different.
I'm not going to name anyone for obvious reasons. I literally had people coming across as smug know it alls, trying to tell me that I had got mental illness wrong. That this was not how people who were mentally ill behave, telling me how it should really be. I had people demanding me that Chat Noir and Marinette should make a quick and full recovery. I had people trying to educate me with false information. The level of ignorance some of these people displayed was almost mind boggling.
I apologise if I come across as a bit butt-hurt here. It's just that this became a prominent issue at the beginning of the story so I feel like I have to talk about it here, especially seen as this is an issue that is important to me. They were preaching to the choir when they were "informing me" on what it's really like to live with P.T.S.D or depression, never once citing from personal experience. They weren't offering me advice, they were telling me what to do based on, for the most part, ignorance.
I get that these people might have thought they were trying to help me and didn't have ill intentions, but just the way some of them came across was down right insulting. Not that I was really offended, it just irked me enough to a point where I felt like I needed so say something. Of course, that's when I had to post that author's note explaining to people that I know exactly what I'm talking about, as mental illness is something I personally suffer from. Different people react differently to their mental illnesses as everyone's experiences with it are unique. The symptoms can often be pretty much the same, but not how people deal and react to it. And there was no way in hell I was going to have Chat Noir and Marinette make a quick recovery. I wanted this story to be as realistic as possible in its representation of mental illness and trauma. So having people make a quick, full recovery wasn't going to work. It's grossly inaccurate. But luckily, after posting that author's note, that kind of criticism stopped. I just hope people finally realised "hey, maybe she does know what she's talking about, so I'll back off."
I understand that mental illness is a difficult and controversial subject to tackle, and I was expecting some people to maybe get a bit defensive over it and express concerns to me about whether I knew what I was doing in handling this issue or not. But that's not what I got. What I got was people telling me what to do and acting like mental health experts when in reality, it seemed like they didn't know much about it at all. I'm no expert either. I haven't studied this stuff. But as a sufferer, I do have a lot of personal experience and I know what it's like to live with it.
Luckily, this was only a small minority of people, and the rest of my reviewers were lovely and understanding and provided me with criticism that was actually constructive.
On that note, there was another major theme popping up in the review section. The issue of pacing with this story. Funnily enough, at the early planning stages, this story was only meant to be roughly eight to ten chapters long. However I once again got thinking about trying to portray mental illness as accurately as possible. The plot also ended up getting so complex, that I just had to massively extend it. I've had a few people point out to me that the pacing of this story is a little on the slow side and that I keep repeating myself. I can totally see their point and for the longest time, I did feel bad about this and tried to think of ways to fix it and maybe speed the story up.
But then I watched this video that was talking about story pacing when it came to mental health. To paraphrase, the woman who made the video mentioned how the slow pacing represents how it actually feels to live with mental illness. If you think it's slow, then imagine how slow and arduous life is for those going through such issues. And that made me think, "yeah...so I don't need to worry about my pacing." It made me feel like I was actually doing a good job because I was providing an accurate representation. Battling mental illness is not one straight line race to the finish line where you're cured. The race track goes all over the place, meanders, repeats itself, goes in circles, has you scaling huge cliffs, trudging through crocodile infested swamps, and the worst part is, sometimes you don't even reach the finish line. People die along the way, some people run around in circles for eternity, some people get permanently stuck where they are, while only a lucky few ever manage to make it to the finish line.
That was something I really wanted to showcase with Marinette and Chat Noir in this story. That dealing with mental illness isn't easy. That dealing with trauma isn't easy. All of a sudden, this story became more than just an outlet to me. It became more than some silly little fantasy I had inside my head because I had become way too obsessed with a cartoon show for my own good. It became a message.
I know that sounds silly as it is just a fanfiction after all, but I have actually had people leaving reviews and sending me private messages thanking me and telling me how great it is to find a story that portrays the realities of living with trauma and mental illness. People were able to relate to Marinette and Chat Noir in my fanfic. I was so humbled by their messages and their experiences and it really made me feel like I was doing something good.
Despite initial problems, this story will always hold a special place in my heart. It is thanks to this story that I have managed to make some amazing friends. I can't thank everyone enough who has left a review or followed and favourited this story. I look forward to your future reactions as this story progresses. I just hope you're not all ready to kill me by the time it's over.
And remember: if you do suffer from mental health issues, it's okay to seek help. Don't follow Chat Noir's and Marinette's example by keeping it all bottled up. There are numbers you can call and people you can talk to. You're never alone.
To read Madness Within, you can click here, and to access my fanfiction profile, you can click here.
Pixie out.
Let's start with the latter. I've always been a bit of a fan of darker fanfictions. I like seeing the characters in situations that you would never see in the actual show for obvious reasons. I'd read a few stories where Chat Noir turned evil and I had always enjoyed them. A main theme for a lot of those stories did tend to be mental health. However, mental health is no easy thing to write about. I found myself growing slightly frustrated with how inaccurately it was often portrayed. Not that I'm trying to criticise anyone of course, it's their story and they can write it however they want, but it left me starved of proper representation, as I suffer from some major mental health issues (something I'll get into in a little bit). In these stories, Chat Noir and Marinette would be quickly and easily cured and that just never sat right with me. Mental illness is far from easily cured. I think in all of my time reading fanfiction, I found one story that accurately portrays mental health issues. So it got me thinking. Maybe I could create a fanfiction that would properly represent this issue - or at least try to anyway. Because who better to do this than someone who actually suffers from this stuff?
I had always wanted to write a fanfiction in which Chat Noir switches sides. The idea had been in the works for a while after reading so many stories about it, so I thought I'd try my hand at it. But this idea, and the possible idea of maybe incorporating mental health issues into the story couldn't have come at a better time.
For many years, I have been suffering from a wide variety of mental health issues. From anxiety disorders, depression and post traumatic stress disorder, it's been a living hell. Three years ago, I had a complete and total mental breakdown. Not to mention, during this time, I had a friend who had her own death faked which was something that was particularly hard to swallow. Those were dark times, and it's safe to say that I feel nowhere near as ill as I did back then. But each day is still a constant struggle. Even in sleep I can't catch a break as I'm often haunted by nightmares. 2018 is a year that hasn't been particularly kind to me. So my mental health almost hit rock bottom again. I needed an outlet.
I knew I wouldn't be able to find the time to go back and have therapy. Not to mention, mental health funding has been cut so much where I live that there would probably be no point in going back for professional help; they probably wouldn't be able to do much for me. Medication is a definite no no. Expensive as hell and it often made me feel worse rather than better.
But that's when I noticed something. When I was writing my other fanfiction, Destiny's Dance, particularly during dark or emotional chapters, I almost felt...better? Like I was getting everything out of my system. It wasn't a cure, but it was certainly a helpful treatment. I was getting my dark thoughts out of my brain, releasing them from festering in my mind to a point where it almost felt cleansing. However, Destiny's Dance, wasn't always dark and gritty. So it made me wonder if I wrote a darker fanfiction in which Chat Noir and Marinette had been through some sort of trauma, would that provide an outlet for me and help me feel slightly better?
Anything was worth a shot at that point. I had completely exhausted all of my other options.
So I really began throwing myself into planning everything. I would sit at the back of class during my lectures or seminars, and instead of making notes on what life was like in King Henry VIII's court or the question of which country started World War One, I was making notes on this story.
I decided to use my own personal experiences as inspiration. I incorporated the experience of believing that somebody I cared about was dead, though I can't go into too much detail on that as it will spoil the rest of the story, so I'll leave that there for now. But that personal experience of mine was something I desperately needed an outlet for.
I also wondered how Ladybug and Chat Noir would react to such horrifying ordeals. I wondered how Chat Noir would react to believing that he was responsible for Ladybug's demise? How would Ladybug cope with losing to Hawkmoth, believing that she had failed Paris? I imagined that those mental burdens would be hard for them to bear. I've never really seen anyone look into the possible psychological damage that might come with being a superhero. Because after all, they must see some horrible stuff sometimes, not to mention all that pressure of keeping people safe as well as maintaining their secret identity, balancing both of their lives as a hero and civilian. Surely it must all take its toll at some point?
 |
| My initial notes for chapter 16 |
And that was it. I had my story.
Then one day, I was feeling pretty depressed. So as usual, I locked myself in my room away from the rest of the world and just sat in the middle of my bed, staring into space and hoping that it would all just go away. But then I did something different. I turned towards my laptop and began to type out the first chapter. In my state, it all flowed out so naturally. Within a few hours, the chapter was done.
I hesitated quite a bit over publishing the story. I wasn't quite sure how people would take to such a dark fanfiction. I was worried that it would be too much. But I bit my lip and hit that publish button. For the next few hours I was super nervous. I was terrified of the first reviews that might come in. But then literally at the stroke of midnight, they all suddenly came flooding in. I was in shock over what I was seeing. People actually...liked it? To say I was surprised would be an understatement, but I was so happy at the same time. It inspired me to keep writing this idea and it really helped me with my depression issues at the time.
But then the problems began.
To be honest, I had been expecting this. I just didn't expect it to take as long as it did. Obviously, writing a story that has a theme of mental health was going to attract some controversy and some criticism. But please don't misinterpret me here. I am all for constructive criticism. I really appreciate people taking the time to try and help me improve my writing.
But this was different.
I'm not going to name anyone for obvious reasons. I literally had people coming across as smug know it alls, trying to tell me that I had got mental illness wrong. That this was not how people who were mentally ill behave, telling me how it should really be. I had people demanding me that Chat Noir and Marinette should make a quick and full recovery. I had people trying to educate me with false information. The level of ignorance some of these people displayed was almost mind boggling.
I apologise if I come across as a bit butt-hurt here. It's just that this became a prominent issue at the beginning of the story so I feel like I have to talk about it here, especially seen as this is an issue that is important to me. They were preaching to the choir when they were "informing me" on what it's really like to live with P.T.S.D or depression, never once citing from personal experience. They weren't offering me advice, they were telling me what to do based on, for the most part, ignorance.
I get that these people might have thought they were trying to help me and didn't have ill intentions, but just the way some of them came across was down right insulting. Not that I was really offended, it just irked me enough to a point where I felt like I needed so say something. Of course, that's when I had to post that author's note explaining to people that I know exactly what I'm talking about, as mental illness is something I personally suffer from. Different people react differently to their mental illnesses as everyone's experiences with it are unique. The symptoms can often be pretty much the same, but not how people deal and react to it. And there was no way in hell I was going to have Chat Noir and Marinette make a quick recovery. I wanted this story to be as realistic as possible in its representation of mental illness and trauma. So having people make a quick, full recovery wasn't going to work. It's grossly inaccurate. But luckily, after posting that author's note, that kind of criticism stopped. I just hope people finally realised "hey, maybe she does know what she's talking about, so I'll back off."
I understand that mental illness is a difficult and controversial subject to tackle, and I was expecting some people to maybe get a bit defensive over it and express concerns to me about whether I knew what I was doing in handling this issue or not. But that's not what I got. What I got was people telling me what to do and acting like mental health experts when in reality, it seemed like they didn't know much about it at all. I'm no expert either. I haven't studied this stuff. But as a sufferer, I do have a lot of personal experience and I know what it's like to live with it.
Luckily, this was only a small minority of people, and the rest of my reviewers were lovely and understanding and provided me with criticism that was actually constructive.
On that note, there was another major theme popping up in the review section. The issue of pacing with this story. Funnily enough, at the early planning stages, this story was only meant to be roughly eight to ten chapters long. However I once again got thinking about trying to portray mental illness as accurately as possible. The plot also ended up getting so complex, that I just had to massively extend it. I've had a few people point out to me that the pacing of this story is a little on the slow side and that I keep repeating myself. I can totally see their point and for the longest time, I did feel bad about this and tried to think of ways to fix it and maybe speed the story up.
But then I watched this video that was talking about story pacing when it came to mental health. To paraphrase, the woman who made the video mentioned how the slow pacing represents how it actually feels to live with mental illness. If you think it's slow, then imagine how slow and arduous life is for those going through such issues. And that made me think, "yeah...so I don't need to worry about my pacing." It made me feel like I was actually doing a good job because I was providing an accurate representation. Battling mental illness is not one straight line race to the finish line where you're cured. The race track goes all over the place, meanders, repeats itself, goes in circles, has you scaling huge cliffs, trudging through crocodile infested swamps, and the worst part is, sometimes you don't even reach the finish line. People die along the way, some people run around in circles for eternity, some people get permanently stuck where they are, while only a lucky few ever manage to make it to the finish line.
That was something I really wanted to showcase with Marinette and Chat Noir in this story. That dealing with mental illness isn't easy. That dealing with trauma isn't easy. All of a sudden, this story became more than just an outlet to me. It became more than some silly little fantasy I had inside my head because I had become way too obsessed with a cartoon show for my own good. It became a message.
I know that sounds silly as it is just a fanfiction after all, but I have actually had people leaving reviews and sending me private messages thanking me and telling me how great it is to find a story that portrays the realities of living with trauma and mental illness. People were able to relate to Marinette and Chat Noir in my fanfic. I was so humbled by their messages and their experiences and it really made me feel like I was doing something good.
Despite initial problems, this story will always hold a special place in my heart. It is thanks to this story that I have managed to make some amazing friends. I can't thank everyone enough who has left a review or followed and favourited this story. I look forward to your future reactions as this story progresses. I just hope you're not all ready to kill me by the time it's over.
And remember: if you do suffer from mental health issues, it's okay to seek help. Don't follow Chat Noir's and Marinette's example by keeping it all bottled up. There are numbers you can call and people you can talk to. You're never alone.
To read Madness Within, you can click here, and to access my fanfiction profile, you can click here.
Pixie out.
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