Pixie's Chronicle: Stupid Anxiety

Howdy! I hope that you have all been doing okay for this past month. Things have been pretty average on my end with my typical misadventures. I had hoped to get a bunch of writing done, but I had to work more overtime again because my manager was off on vacation. I might as well just live where I work at this point because I feel like I never leave. January is always a slow month, and I've also been struggling with my mental health a bit - mainly my anxiety. I have no clue what triggered it this time, but I felt like I was close to a breakdown a few days ago. Luckily, I seem to be relatively back on the up again... for now...

But anyway, back onto the topic of writing, I managed to finally publish my first one-shot for Hellsing Hijinks. This is a series that I've been planning for a while because small random ideas are always buzzing around in my head, mainly focusing on Seras. We never really got to see too much of how she adapted to her new life in the Hellsing organisation, so that was something that I wanted to explore. I have tons of ideas planned, but Jowy has banned me from working on anything else until I finish one of my other stories first lol. It's definitely a good thing, otherwise I would have a million stories published by now, and non of them would ever get finished. But yeah, you can read my new series, Hellsing Hijinks, but clicking here. It's a sort of slice-of-life series based on Seras, my favourite character. I've always found her to be adorable and hilarious, so I suppose that's why I always tend to focus on her. The series doesn't focus too much on ships, but I guess you can see hints of them if you squint. 

The ship you'll probably most likely see is Alucard x Seras since that's my favourite. Their relationship is such a mystery, even to Hirano himself, so that makes for some interesting exploration and interpretation. It kind of reminds me of Sonic and Amy from Sonic the Hedgehog; a sort of 'are they or aren't they?' situation. It's fun to speculate. Nearly every character in Hellsing remarks on how odd and out of character it was for Alucard to have changed Seras into a vampire, so I definitely can't help but wonder along with them. Personally, I see them very much as soulmates, even if no romance ever blossoms between them. When you actually look at their characters and their backstories, they're very much mirror images of one another. So different yet so alike at the same time; yin and yang. 

I mean, let's be real; Alucard definitely could have saved Seras that night in Cheddar. He didn't have to shoot her. He literally could have done anything. He could have used his vampire speed, or used his shadows or whatever, but instead, he shot her and manipulated the situation to turn her into a vampire. He never explicitly asks her if she wants to become a vampire. Seras didn't know what the hell was going on the entire time. So yeah, I think it's safe to say that Alucard became very attached to Seras since the first moment that he saw her. He really didn't have to do what he did, and he really didn't have to bring her back to Hellsing either, or take her under his wing. So it does make you wonder. 

I definitely don't see it as a father/daughter relationship like some people seem to. I see a lot of people claim it's because Alucard gave her his blood and turned her into a vampire, therefore he is her sire, A.K.A. her father. That makes zero sense to me. By that logic, if you receive a blood transfusion or donation, the donor is now your parent. Seras has a mother and father. Alucard merely turned her into a different species. Yes, she 'inherits' a lot of his power, but that's not through DNA or genetics; it's simply because he's a powerful vampire himself therefore he can create a powerful fledgling. Even if there is no romance there, I still don't see it being father/daughter. And I'm sorry, but the way they meet in the anime is FAR from platonic lol. I know the anime isn't canon, but still. Plus, Hirano said himself that he doesn't see it as strictly a familial bond, but that overall, he has no idea. That leaves a lot of open speculation like I said. And my speculation is that there's something there between them. Maybe one day I might make a blog post going into further detail on my thoughts regarding their relationship. I briefly went into it in Double Trouble, and I'm glad to find I'm far from the other Alucard and Seras shipper out there.

Another major writing achievement this month has been finally updating Go and Conquer again. I finally managed to somewhat get out of the writer's block ditch I'd found myself stuck in regarding that chapter. It was shorter and not as good quality as I would have liked, but honestly, that was the best it was going to get thanks to it mainly being filler. I hate chapters like that. But hopefully I am now back on track with that story and you won't have to wait nearly a whole year again for an update. You can read the new chapter by clicking here. 

Reflection should be updated very soon. I had hoped to have updated it last week, but work and my stupid mental health got in the way. I especially want to get that story updated after a series of lovely reviews I got. See? Reviews really can make a difference and spur writers on. Some of the reviews nearly had me in tears. I'm so glad that people are enjoying the historical accuracy! I was so worried that people were going to find it boring, but I appear to have tapped into a desire that a lot of readers have had in the Kuroshitsuji fandom. A desire that a lot of them say is often not tapped into at all. I'm inclined to agree in that respect. As much as I love a lot of Kuroshitsuji fanfictions, sometimes the lack of historical accuracy, even in the manga and anime itself, can make me cringe. Never watch a historical movie with me, that's all I can say; I always end up ruining it lol. But if you hunger for more, then I highly recommend fanfic writer A. S. Oswald. Her Kuroshitsuji fics are also historically accurate, and are just overall terrifying and amazing. If you're a fan of horror, she has a talent for it, so go check her out and send her some love. 

These past few weeks, I've also had a lot of people enquiring about the progress of the Madness Within sequel. Progress is still very much the same as the last time I updated you guys. I still am planning on writing and publishing it, but it's still going to take some more time due to a variety of reasons. Firstly, I still haven't heard anything from my beta, and secondly, I still haven't caught up on season 4 of the show. Not to mention I'm still feeling a bit shy and timid writing for that fandom again. I don't know if I want to put myself through all of that harassment again. The majority of you have been super sweet and supportive, and I know I'm probably being pathetic, but I really have a short fuse when it comes to bullying. It's not so much what gets said to me that hurts me, but it's the act of the bullying itself. It makes me so angry to see people behaving that way and feel that it is okay to do so. That's what offends me more than the stuff that they say to me. I hope that makes sense? Literally, if you can't say nothing nice or constructive, then don't say anything at all. 

Anyway, I need to stop talking about that before I get myself all worked up again. Right now, that is the last thing I need. Like I said before, my mental health has been all over the place, especially this past week. I think it's a result of overwork and being burnt out as a result. Again, I'm working extra hours, and things have been pretty hectic. With our manager gone, me and my supervisor have realised just how little work she actually does while she's here. We've discovered some pretty shocking things. First of all, our fire escape is on the verge of collapse and is unsafe to use. She's known about this for months and hasn't done anything about it or said anything. We noticed our asbestos report is 10 years out of date, and while flicking through all the paper work, I noticed that she had forged my signature on a risk assessment... which is illegal. Basically, where I work is a health and safety nightmare. Oh yeah, and the toilet looks like it's about to fall through the floor. There's a huge crack in the floor that you can see straight through, because we've only now just found out that our bathroom was built into an old chimney shaft. Who's bright idea was that? We're going to die. It's only a matter of time before one of us falls through the floor or burns to death. It's been stressing us all out so much.

Our stress was further worsened by the fact that we now have a stalker. Again. Basically, there's this guy who has been a regular for years. We never thought too much of him. He was a bit on the stupid side, but harmless enough. Though it was annoying when he would constantly buy stuff only to return them days later. I don't think he ever kept anything he bought. One day a few weeks ago, he was caught swapping ticket prices on some expensive CBD products. He also pocketed some tissue salts. Of course, my supervisor confronted him and he denied all knowledge. Our manager then banned him from the store, as theft is a 'one strike and you're out' policy for us. We don't have the time to be keeping an eye on every known shoplifter who comes in. 

Well, this guys wasn't going to take that lying down. He has now been constantly harassing the company and making complaints about us. We've explained a million times that he was caught red-handed and insisted he wanted to see the security camera footage as proof. We all saw the footage ourselves and it clearly shows him switching prices and placing some items in his pocket and attempting to leave without paying for them. Of course, due to data protection laws, he's not allowed to see the footage. At first, the company wondered if we could let bygones be bygones and allow him back in, but while in the middle of deciding that, his harassment escalated. He approached other members of staff and again tried protesting his innocence only to be told that they had all seen what he had done. He then changed tactics and claimed that his mother had died and that he wasn't thinking straight. Then, a few hours later, my manager caught him filming her from across the street, watching her, and essentially spying on her. He's just digging himself an even deeper hole. 

Of course, that got me all paranoid as well, because stuff like that really doesn't do my anxiety any good. I already occasionally have delusions that I'm being spied on, so the last thing I need is having my stupid delusions being proven to be true. Naturally, this has now sent me bonkers. Yet our customer service team just didn't seem to be getting just how out of hand this was all getting. Things then got even more out of hand when he put in a complaint insisting that 'two big coloured male staff members intimidated him and barred his entrance'. Okay, A) we have no male members of staff, B) the only 'coloured' (I'm guessing he means dark skinned) person is our manager, and C) we all wish our security was that good! In fact, we have no security at all. Finally, this was what made our regional manager realise that the dude was crazy. So now we're all hoping that this means that his ban will be firmly kept in place. We'll only find out for sure when our manager returns next week. 

It's all had me super stressed though, because every time the phone rings at work, it's usually because he's put in another complaint and come up with some outlandish story. The back-and-forth is getting tiring, which is probably exactly what he wants. He's probably hoping to wear us down. But my manager is a tough cookie and won't budge, so thank goodness for that. I love how badass our manager is. She may be useless in the administration department of things, but damn, you don't want to get on the wrong side of her lol. She really doesn't have time for picky customers and those crazy crackheads that are always bothering us. It's always entertaining to watch. I wish I had that confidence.

But still, I don't have enough eyes and hands for everything that's going on at work right now. For once I would just like to have a shift without worrying about being stabbed in the stomach. Especially now that I've had to give an official statement to the police about the events before Christmas where I fought off that drunk guy. Weirdly, I wasn't so much worried about him coming after me, but rather I was terrified if I'd accidentally lied in my statement. I'm not good at anything official. If a police officer so much as walks past me, I'm convinced that I'm terrorist. At some point, I must have joined ISIS or something, or I've got a gun in my pocket that I had no idea about. Let's just say I didn't cope well when going through American customs when visiting Jowy. I actually got shouted at because I had been sweating that much due to nerves that the fingerprint scanner couldn't read me ahahaha help. I really am surprised that I haven't been probed at an airport yet. The closest I got was some terrifying female American security guard practically lifting me up by the buckle of my jeans when it set the metal detector off. Screw Atlanta airport; I've never been so terrified. No offense to any people from Atlanta reading this. 

Needless to say, even giving a simple statement to the police can cause me to have a panic attack. And that it did. It took forever for everyone to calm me down. Obviously my fear of authority can be traced back to a certain event in my primary school years... a certain teacher who saw fit to make my life a living hell. But let's not get into that. I've got a voodoo doll to help me with those issues hehe, and I totally don't still have nightmares about this woman pfffft no way. I'm 24 and totally still not traumatized at all. *twitches* 

So yeah, overall, my mental health had taken a beating. It was actually started to mess up my body pretty badly and I've been having bad stomach aches as a result. On Friday after my shift, I pretty much passed out and slept for over 12 hours. But hey, it worked, and I felt so much better the next day. I'm still an anxious mess, but I don't feel like I'm on the verge of slamming my head against the wall now. I might have to have a word with my manager and let her know that my brain is glitching again. She's always pretty good when it comes to my issues. However, until she gets back, all I can really do is rock back and forth in the corner of my office at work. Maybe I'll make friends with the silverfish again. 

Everyone also seems to be getting sick lately as well. Everyone at work caught something or other, and Jowy got hit with a pretty bad sickness bug too. It was up to me to nurse him back to health... well... as best as I could at a distance of 5000 miles anyway. I'm just glad that I'd sent him over some medicine a while ago from where I work. It seemed to do the trick, but thanks to his weak immune system, he's still a bit out of sorts. I've just been trying to get him to sleep since sleep is always the best medicine. 

While he's been resting, I've been keeping myself occupied by playing a bunch of video games. There's Universe Sandbox, of course, as well as Undertale, and I've been pretty addicted to Sims 4 lately. That's mainly because I made Alucard, Seras, and Lily and Luna from Double Trouble, and have been playing around with them. The first thing Luna did was play in the toilet... delightful. Lily also had a bad habit of destroying her dollhouse, only to then cry over having done so lol. I don't know what she expected? Alucard then got Seras knocked up with even more twin girls. I swear he's more fertile than a rat. So I had a whole house full of screaming baby girls and toddlers. I also thought it would be fun to make Flora and Sebastian from Reflection. It's just annoying that the game doesn't have anything remotely close to Flora's hairstyle. Actually, the hairstyles in the game are pretty crap in general. But I refuse to pay full price for all the add-ons. Stupid EA and their greed. 

I've also got back into playing Terraria again out of nowhere. I made a new solo world for myself, and of course, it didn't take me long to die. How was I supposed to know that some treasure chests were booby trapped? Not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, but 5 boulders dropped down and crushed me to death. Overkill much? But hey, at least I got an achievement out of it. If you wanna check me out on Steam, you can find me under Jowy's Pixie. Most of my achievements on there are purely accidental... mainly me discovering the most weird ways to die, especially in Terraria. 

Also, tomorrow I plan on re-starting my New Horizons island on Animal Crossing... again. I thought I was over this problem after New Leaf, but no. My stupid perfectionist brain is not satisfied again and wants to start again from scratch. Sorry LycoRogue. Now that I have my Jay amiibo card, there's nothing that can stop me. I will kidnap that bird and take him everywhere. He will never escape from me, my darling senpai. It should be interesting to see how life on my new island turns out. I'll be sure to give out the new info if you want to see it.

Writing wise, I'm not too sure when my next update will be. My shifts at work are all over the place, so I can't even give an estimate. But Reflection is definitely the next story that I intend to work on. Thanks to those awesome reviews, I've had a massive boost in motivation. I just hope that people still continue to enjoy reading it and that I don't let you all down. There's also a poll available again on my FanFiction profile, which you can access by clicking here, so you can vote on whether or not I make a series based on Lily and Luna. It'll mainly be one-shots based on their misadventures, and will feature what their life is like with Alucard, Seras and other siblings in the future. In the meantime, take care of yourselves, and I'll see you all again soon! 

Reviews of the Month:

"Ooo as you introduce more and more characters, the more i wonder what’s this going to lead to plot-wise. Like everyone wants a piece of seras while alucard’s out of the picture but what happens when he comes back lol

Thanks for the update, can’t wait to read more!"

- TheCrimsonSlayer, Go and Conquer

"😨😱😭 seraaaas !! Noooo !! OMG I hope seras is ok, i mean, I’m sure she will be ok, or there wouldn’t be anymore of a story 😂😂 but, i wonder how you will handle her “survival” next chapter ? And does alucard see what’s happening to her? In sure he feels so impotent whenever she is in trouble, I’m guessing that alucard was cruel to her, to “save” her, maybe integra or the directors of hellsing were going to order her dead, and alucard sent her away to protect her ? Well that’s my guess, so let’s see if I’m right in the future chapters !!

Hopefully I will read you soon !! Take care and good luck !!"

- Mayunemu96, Go and Conquer

"Excellent chapter! Alucard and Integra's exchange was phenomenal. It felt very in character and was super exciting. Loved the part of Alucard snapping and holding Integra from her collar -great way to show the pull of vampire offspring. Can't wait for next chapter and looking forward to Alucard reuniting with them. Keep up the great work!"

- Nyxlied, Double Trouble

"Wow, just wow! Your writing style is amazing and I love how you've written flora. As someone who struggled with selective mutism as a child you really hit the nail on the head on what it feels like to want to speak but not being capable. I can't wait to see more of Flora's personality jump to life and how it compares and contrasts to both Sebastian and Ciel ❤"

- InsideTH3fire23, Reflection

"Your background in the Victorian era should make for an immersive story! Just from the prologue, I can tell this is going to be good. It was so well written, especially towards the end of the chapter as you were describing the punishments on the demons and angels. It was a beautifully dark bit of worldbuilding. Especially since that’s never delved into in the anime. Demons and angels are just a given. I’m so excited to start on the next chapter! I’m honestly looking forward to a more accurate depiction of victorian England. I’ve always been drawn to this time period, it’s one of the reasons I love Black Butler so much. So for me, the more of your knowledge about this era you put in this story, the better.

“The light reflected off the misty and smoggy London air, creating an eerie halo around the wider street at the end of the tight alleyway.” This line was amazing. As I read this the visual materialized in my head. It made for such a moody yet beautiful setting, which is so black butler.

The fact that our heroine befriended a mouse is honestly endearing. Reminds me of Cinderella a bit. Like her, Floras hardship makes me root for her. Also, I’m in love with the way you write. Just the little details you pepper in makes this so much more immersive. Like floras hair being so unkempt the hair ties are stuck in it, her tying up the ends of her skirt a bit to keep it clean, burning their own doors for warmth. I don’t know, that kind of stuff adds so much for me. Her first sighting of Sebastian had me on the edge of my seat. I love how she was able to observe him for a bit while he wasn’t able to catch a glimpse of her. I cannot wait to see more of their connection!

I’m interested in Sebastian’s point of view in all this, and how exactly he’s being affected by Flora. We can see that he’s feeling some physical effects as well. It’s nice to see the unshakable butler falter, even if it’s just a little bit. Just from the little we’ve gotten of him, I can tell you’ve got a good grasp on his characterization. The way you’ve written him is spot on. Eloquent with a hidden darkness, and almost languid in his actions because of the certainty of his hidden power.

So far interaction between the both of them has been electric. I wonder what Sebastian plans to do with her. I’m assuming he knows more about their connection then she does. But I’m not sure how he feels about it. For all I know, he considers her a liability and wants her out of the way. I’m probably wrong but it’s fun to speculate. So far, these bits of intrigue about the mirror/box and the demon butler connection are making for an amazingly well crafted story.

I love this soul connection you’ve established. I think it makes more sense for a character like Sebastian. I mean, he’s seen so much of the human race. And his ambivalence for them is a big aspect of his character! It’s a bit harder for me to accept Sebastian being truly interested in a human the way we are for each other. This soul connection makes it totally plausible for me that Sebastian would take notice of her and actually give a damn.

I really love Flora as a character. She’s likeable and sympathetic. The line “Oh how much she wished that she was normal” when she was panicking in front of Ciel and Sebastian made me feel for her so much. Her reaction was relatable to be honest. I find myself shutting down sometimes when talking to people, and it’s a horrible feeling. Poor girl.

Also, the inclusion of the phrase “dandy-man gentlemen” to describe Sebastian gave me such a boost of serotonin. I love your writing.

Ooof flora kept his feather flora kept his feather that’s so cute. I gotta say, I’m really a fan of your portrayal of Sebastian and how unnerving you’re making him. Especially since it’s so subtle. It’s a special type of creepy when something is familiar but slightly off as opposed to just completely foreign and “scary”. And I go crazy when we see hints of Sebastian’s demon side. Like in the manga when we get a glimpse of fangs or demon eyes. There’s a wrongness to him in your story that I absolutely love.

This is definitely the best black butler fanfic I’ve ever read. I love the historically accurate aspects of all this. Something I forgot to mention in my last review was how perfectly you captured that sense of hopelessness in the streets of London. I was cringing reading about the state of the roads, houses, and the people. All the filth and disease everywhere. It was really well done. Sebastian and Flora’s interactions so far are really intriguing. It makes me crave more of them together. I think it’s really interesting how Flora won’t allow herself to warm up to him. It makes for a dynamic I can’t look away from. I prefer it over her being immediately smitten with him, I like her inner conflict. I’m excited to see how their relationship develops!

It’s honestly difficult to find well-written Black Butler fic, so I’m so glad I found this gem of a story. It definitely needs more attention. I appreciate that so far it’s all an original story too and not just copy and pasted scenes from canon. Of course if you do get to canon storylines I know it’ll be written just as well as all this. I’ll be excitedly checking back regularly for the next chapter!"

- LeBatman, Reflection

"First off this is GREAT! Like Awesome I’m in LOVE! Here’s why…Even though they’re fated to be together the natural pull of the bond, she fighting it and not giving in and not even thinking of giving in yet and that’s Awesome! I have read MANY MANY stories that the FL gives in, in like the second chapter! Other stories “says” they the FL doesn’t want to be mates or whatever and they would never give in but once the ML bats his lashes she is Puddy and is like “we’re meant to be together i’m tired of fighting it…” Like girl it’s the second chapter!

But with Flora she knows this ain’t right and no matter what she not about to give in but the bond and pull is there but her flight instinct and slum survival skills tell her other wise.

This is also very well written, the interaction with other characters between each other are smooth, and Even Sebby with his need to care for her isnt over the top or weird you balance out his demon and “human” side very well!

Finding GOOD Black butler fics are so hard and very rare so thank you! I really Do hope you continue this bus Very very interesting and I’m invested in their story to see how it will play out!"

- Akari.Wolf.Princess, Reflection